Why I'm Single: The Ninja Blender

For Christmas, I received a gift from the GODS!! OK, maybe it came courtesy of my friend/soulmate Ashley, but it was a heavenly gift nonetheless. What is this magical thing? A Snuggie? Girl, slap yourself! A unicorn!? Now you KNOW you can't transport those across state lines! It was a *Oprah voice* Ninja Master Prep Blender!! Holla.

You might be wondering how this blender differs from the one currently in my cabinet that I haven't used in well over a year. Well, this one had an infomercial. Anyone who knows me knows that I love me a good infomercial. I sit there hypnotized for hours on end watching how this glorious product will make the easiest of tasks even easier. When I was in college, I used to always go out, get drunk and then return to watch them late at night. Besides having an infomercial, this blender is just amazing. I could shave with the blades. IT comes with a large blender and then a smaller one to make dips and other delicious shit. Like what more could a zestleman on the go ask for?! (well, I would like a bedazzled one, but whatever..)

So how is this marvelous invention going to leave me single? Well, I am so entertained by it, that I really don't need any outside interaction. People are like "hey Ian, let's go to the movies!" I'm all "no thanks, I'm just gonna stay in and perfecIT'd bt my guacamole recipe" Or they are like "come over and let's have sex" and I'm like "Naw, I'm gonna make a milkshake instead" Hell even today I was talking to my girl Avalon and the conversation went like this:

I: Oh, I think I want a smoothie!
A: OK
I: Hmm.. would is be wrong to put wine in it?
A: It's noon
I: Not the question...what do you think?
A: IT'd be gross. Don't do it
I: It would totally be like frozen sangria! IF I want to be like a Real Housewife, I need to be about my day drinking!
A: Well if it's not yogurt based, then it might actually not be horrible..
I: Perfect! I've already done it
A: Please stop making sex sounds when you are drinking your boosie (copy written, don't copy her!)
I: I'll stop making the sex sounds when it stops being so damned delicious

end scene.

The moral of the story: this thing has lead me to day drink. Granted It was partly to finish off some wine before I go out of town, but still. Come on. No one wants to marry a booze hound. This ninja is making it hard for me to hide my Lindsay Lohan ways. I can't do the good old fashioned bait and switch, if my bait is soaked in red wine. At noon. On a Thursday. You feel me?

In addition to making me anti social, it's making me eat, which is a gay man's WORST nightmare! I live alone, and I'm making things like guacamole which needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Why else do you think Chipotle charges 234342.95 for a small container of it?! THey do it because they love us. I, on the other hand, apparently have no love for myself and eat avocado (one of the fattiest natural foods known to man) like it's my damned job.



So go ahead and add the ninja blender to the long list of why I am single. No one will love me when they find out I am a chubby, antisocial, alcoholic. Then again, maybe I can win them over with my bomb ass guacamole and my award winning (ok I just made that up) boosies!

New Music: Glory

So in the vein of so many artists before him, new father (well he is actually claiming this one) Jay Z has penned and recorded a song to celebrate the birth of his daughter, Blue Ivy. The song is a classic Jay track and I love it. I actually enjoy hearing him brag and boast, but it's nice to get a break and hear him being real. He opens up about the miscarriage the couple apparently endured. That is DEEP. It's actually just a beautiful thing to her him gush about this baby that he has only known for a couple days. My cold cold heart melted when I heard the realness of his delivery and his lyrics. I think this goes up there right next to Lauryn Hill's "Zion" which I think is an awesome song for a baby. Even though I am loving this song, I'm hoping that Jay doesn't trade "Money Cash Hoes" for "Diapers, Bottles and Binkies"


Is it weird that I really want to write a song or poem and have my mom perform it as her own. I really don't feel special that my birth didn't warrant some expression of art. Like come on now! I think my mom tells it that after giving birth to me she was all "time to get my tubes tied!" THat story doesn't really send the message of "I just birthed a gift from above. World prepare to be amazed!" I think I'll get to crafting that song right now! Well, first I'm going to nap and make a snack then I'll get right on it!

An Open Letter To Mama B

Dear Beyonce Giselle (Yes, I'm using your middle name because this shit is SERIOUS)

I need you to imagine the shock and surprise that I felt this Saturday night/early Sunday morning when I returned from a night of hoe shit in the club to read that you had given birth! I was like "oh hell naw! Not even a text?! I have to find out like this?!" Cold blooded, Bey. I couldn't even be sure it was real. You really whipped up the world (not just the zestlemen community) when you finally announced your pregnancy on the VMAs. Just thinking of your glow and the way you sang your ass off still brings a smile to my face. Right before the new year, it was reported via Twitter that you had given birth. I wasn't phased. I mean, Mediatakeout.com confirmed that. I think we BOTH know that site is a joke and is not to be taken seriously. In addition, my girl had seen your sister shopping in her store for random shit and I know if MY sister were to be birthing hip hop royalty, I would not be at Restoration Hardware looking for a new shower curtain. Don't they have assistants for that?

People were desperate for this baby. I find this funny since many of those people who were needing this birth to happen didn't really think you were pregnant. MTV was even desperate enough to cite a New York psychic. Umm, when did that become a credible source of news? He said you were going to give birth to a baby BOY to be named something like Jaylen to honour your husband. I found that husband, since your husband's name is Sean. That'd be like T-Pain's baby's mama naming a child Tepania, to celebrate her husband's name. Usually people tend to go with birth names, not stage ones. Now that I've put it out there I'm guessing there are probably a few Tepania's out there. That makes me sad inside and out.

OK, so let's get to it. You poppped out a baby girl! Kelendria was right! Now, let's have some real talk. I need you to put on your Oprah wig and lean in REAL close so you can take in a few points.

-Blue Ivy? sounds kind of like a club. I'm not mad about the name though. You were bound to be dammed either way. Like Jennifer Carter? People would call you boring. You are a bad bitch (excuse my French) and I feel like your daughter needs a name that is an unique as yours is (Well was. Now there are Beyonce's, Biances, and Beyonsays galore I'm sure) I'm guessing Mama Tina knew you were the bad bitch so she gave you the fantastical, icon status name. Solange, well, umm, let's stay on task here.

-I think the whole IVy thing is actually kind of cute. I was trying to figure out how you'd incorporate 4 into your birth process. I know you were probably heated you didn't give birth on 1/4/12, but whatever. MY grandma's name is Ivy, so I think highly of it. I'm already hearing Illuminati's Very Youngest from dumb ass people. Like seriously. If you are down with them, I would at least hope you'd be a bit more creative.

-Blue has actually grown on me as well. I think I can handle that more than your girl Gwennyth's "Apple" That shit is still stupid as hell to me. I guessing your hanging around with her made you feel like you could dust off your "I'm so different banner" and wave that bad boy high and proud. I'm ok with that.

-Ok so Blue Ivy. I'm really hoping you learn from people's mistakes. Let's look at Laurence Fisbourne: his daughter is crazy as hell now and is now doing porn. The man is an accomplished, respected actor and his daughter felt the need to slang her poonanny at the highest bidder? I mean, I know she went with Vivid, which is special, but come on... Moral of the story, keep an eye on that girl. Money doesn't mean that she won't end up stripping or doing porn. Plus, with a name like Blue Ivy, you are really setting her up well.

-Ok, now let's turn our attention to one Bobbi Kristina, child of R&B singing sensation and Whitney Houston. Tee hee! I got jokes, Bey! No, but seriously, Whitney is so pretty, and has a legendary voice. Bobby can sing too and can perform his ass off. High expectations for their spawn, right? Well, BK ended up looking like Bobby with long hair. She even has his gap. Her voice is decent and she apparently is now trying to get into music. Lesbi-honest. She won't ever be Whitney. Hell, she probably won't even do what Bobby did. They set the bar hella high. I feel like BK felt the pressure early on and started to rebel. She was on Myspace (name: Nympho Baby. <---I can't make this shit up) smoking weed and doing shit that kids do. Moral of the story? Crack is whack! Don't get on it, and raise your damned child. Also. send her to the Alps to be raised by monks so she isn't exposed to all the fuckery that fame brings.

-Before we move on from BK, let's just pause and say a quick prayer to hope that Blue Ivy ends up looking a LOT like you and not so much Jay. I mean, today at work, a coworker said "no, babies are cute! They have little noses and.." That's when I cut her off. I mean seriously! The child of Jay Z has a strong chance of having a massive nose to face ratio. But I'm looking at your dad and he's not that good looking, so I'm guessing that Mama Tina's creole DNA is STRONG. Maybe she has some creole secrets or spices she could share with you, but I'd hit her up sooner rather than later.




I will let you go, as I know you have shit to do. I get it. I just look forward to actually seeing your child for the first time (at least I hope I will want to actually see her) Love your child and I'm sure she'll turn out fine. But while you are loving that child and in between feeding sessions, can you get back to the studio and give me the music that I need o get through life? That was hella dramatic, but I needed to get your attention, now that I have to compete with Baby Blue.


XOXO

Ian

Isabel Marant Sneakers

OK,
I'm not really into high tops. They have never been my thing as I think they look weird on feet as large as mine. I rock Puma and Asics all day. Ok, enough free publicity. I saw these shoes in the Beyonce video for "Love on Top" and thought "Wow, Beyonce isn't wearing heels for once" The ones she wore in the video were all black but I actually liked them. I just found out that they in fact, do have a heel. They have 3.5" hidden heel. Once again Beyonce hasn't let me down.

New Video: You Da One

So this is one of the standout tracks for me on "Talk That Talk" I love the airy, fun vibe this song and I was glad she chose this as a single. It's nice to get a break from heartache and heart break (and getting beat up by Chris Brown--I won't let that go, I don't care how many hot songs he puts out) and talk about being in love for a minute.

This video was shot by Melina who shot "Rude Boy" and "S&M" Melina makes good videos but often recycles and just flat out bites other people's style (see: S&M video and anything by David LaChapelle)THis time around she bites herself, as this feels like a rehash of "Rude Boy" I would have avoided any references to Rude Boy" as the song itself has the same island/ raggamuffin vibe, so you would probably want steer the video elsewhere (but that's just my not so humble opinion)Hell, she even does some of the same dances. And the styling is in the same vein as the Armani Ad Rihanna shot.

I know it sounds like I am hating on the video, but I'm not. It's a simple beauty video. Rihanna looks amazing and the video is well shot. Not every video is going to have an intense story like "We Found Love" and I accept that (side eye to Lady Gaga) Let the record show that I love how the smoke coming out of her mouth spells out lyrics. I fear that people will follow suit. I still see people trying to rock RiRi Red hair and it makes me cry inside. Now I'm going to see a bunch of chicks picking up Newports trying to smoke and be sexy. I propose that next video Rihanna picks up a book or a college degree! Ok, that's a lie. I like her best when she's being bad and inappropriate!

Thanks for the early Christmas gift, Rihanna! Sorry I didn't get you anything. But hey, I actually bought (yes paid for) your CD, so that should be good enough!

Art of Celebration

So this new ad for Ciroc came out recently. I have to admit, that I feel pretty lame being about liquor endorsed by rappers, but I was converted during the Robyn concert by a bartender. She turned me on to Ciroc Redberry, and it was game over. What exactly is a redberry? I have no fucking idea, but it makes for a divine vodka. Enough talk about this smooth deliciousness of Ciroc, as I am starting to get hella thirsty and it's only 11am. However, I am OFF, and it's 5pm in Amsterdam so I guess it's GAME ON!

I am posting this ad because I think it's really well shot. Visually it's stunning. It is taking everything in me to stop myself from buying a ticket to Vegas and a case of Ciroc. Anthony Mandler directed. He is the guy behind many of Rihanna's most dramatical videos, and this one has the same cinematic feel to it. Diddy is surrounded by Eva Marcille (of ANTM fame), Chad Michael Murray (who is hot but seems kinda douche-y, but is still HOT) and Jesse Williams (who is just flat out beautiful) This ad is well cast and makes me feel kinda bad about my life right now. I'm sure Ciroc and Vegas would cure whatever it is that ails me...

Lessons in Cunty Dramacality

Ok,
so without owning a tv, I have to be very selective in what shows I watch. I don't watch X Factor as I think it'd be annoying as hell to keep up with and impossible to not have it ruined by people on Facebook. I will say that I saw part of an episode and thought that it was a pretty cool concept. I do loves me some Nicole Scherzinger and I'm always just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for Paula to stumble into some crazy ass comment that would surely make my day.

Anyway, so last week I saw people online basically cursing the day Nicole was born. She has received a whole lot of backlash over a voting decision that ultimately sent Rachel Crow home. I really don't give a flying fuck about the votes and blah blah blah. What I do care about is the video that resulted. I mean honestly! This, right here... THis right HERE is a lesson in cunty dramacality. I know neither of those words really exist, but I don't think that words in existence can give justice to the red level amounts of raw emotion in this clip.

1.) We have an adorable pre teen (I think? I didn't feel like Googling it to verify) whose dream may/may not be crushed

2.) We have Nicole giving a long ass speech as to why she voted the way she did. The whole time she is fighting tears and boos

3.) We have a collapse on stage (she straight up gave me black woman at a funeral fever with that one) The other contestant tries to help but is pushed away by the host.

4.) We have a mother comforting her crying child on stage while she blubbers 'You promised!'

5.) We still have Nicole crying. This time Paula throws herself over Nicole in an act of one upsmanship.

6.) We have the girl giving an Evita-esque exit speech after her dramatic montage is played.

Well played Simon and friends. I think I am hooked from here on out.