New Month's Eve Presents: Cyan and Seven

So today is a big day. For those of you who know me, I take the last day of the month quite seriously. I enjoy looking forward to starting a new month and wiping the slate clean. Today was a bit more special, as my brother and sister-in-law welcomed TWO new additions to the Blake family. I had to work and couldn't be at the hospital for the birth, but I did get a photo. I was going to be all private, but have decided to go the Mariah/Nick Canon route and just blow these babies up online. I am looking into getting them their own site. Sadly, dembabies.com was already taken.

I am just beaming right now. I am really happy for my brother and loving my chances of them giving me one of their FOUR children. I mean 4 kids under 4? They will be begging me to take one or two off their hands. Mark. My. Words. I think my brother and his wife are done having kids. They have done more than their fair share to advance the Blasian nation. Looks like I'm up to bat next...


Fun facts:

They were born within a minute of one another

No one knows for certain if they are identical yet

They were both 6lbs 11 oz and 19 inches

All of my brother's kids were 19 inches at birth

They were born on my sister's half birthday

New Music: Elle Varner "Conversational Lush"

So I know I am late to really get into Elle Varner, but I guess better late than never. I just downloaded her mixtape late last week and listened to it at the gym yesterday. I LOVE IT. She has a cool vocal style and the mixtape is just really breezy. It's just something that I can vibe to. It's not too mellow, but I'm not throwing out my elbow while fist pumping. This mixtape brings the production, lyrical content and a good voice. Get into it, NOW. Plus, I think the title is pretty awesome.

New Music: Sleazy 2.0

I'm just gonna go ahead and say that this video is Ri-damned-diculous. I like it a lot for that reason. So Kesha decided to phone this video in and let a bunch of drag queens and random ass people (See: Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite) handle the task of being in the video. For some reason it works. I like the way it was shot and the beat still bangs oh so hard. I have fallen back in love with this song. Don't tell anyone, as I am still coming to terms with my love of Kesha's music.

Lessons in Cunty Dramacality: Christina Aguilera

Today's lesson comes courtesy of one Christina Aguilera. With the passing of one her idols, she was able to sing Etta's signature song at her funeral. It's no secret that she loves this song and sings it quite often. She sang the HELL out of this song. She went ahead and took us all to church. She reminded us all that her vocal gymnastics and hand gestures are NOT to be fucked with. So bow down! Ok with the facts having been stated, let's get down to some real talk:

1.) Should I just go ahead and accept that Xtina is now curvy as hell and move on? Is she planning to get on that Mariah tip and call Jenny? Is she just holding out for a fatter (get it?) deal? Is she thankful that Adele made it ok for a plus sized white chick with big pipes to be a hit?

2.) Who is styling Christina these days?

3.) How much do you want to bet that they tried to perform an exorcism on her ass before she left the church?


I guess part of me is glad that she doesn't give a fuck. She's all "God made these titties, so I'mma put em on display. What?" I had a hard time focusing on anything besides suppressing the urge to motorboat her. That's what's fun about X-tina: child birth? She's still gonna talk dirty. At a Funeral? she's still gonna remind us that her tatas are in fact, quite impressive. I guess stick to what you know girl!

Also, is she still making music? I mean Bionic flopped (I still thought it was an ok album) but she was on one of this year's biggest singles ("Move Like Jagger") so you think she'd try to strike while the iron was hot. Guess not. I can't do it all for you Chrissy, I need you to want it for yourself.

Road Trip

So last weekend I decided to escape and go to New Orleans to meet up with my friends from Illinois and my friend who lives there. It was last minute, so a flight was crazy expensive. I said, "fuck it!" and got on the road. After working overnight from 9p-4a. I promptly regretted it 4 hours into it when I was STILL very much in Florida. The drive was so lame and I had no one but myself to talk to, which was pretty cool. I did some thinking. I did even more singing which had me sounding very sorority, by the time I hit Louisiana. My iPod was on shuffle and seemed to be on a diva streak, as it kept on picking Christina, Whitney, Beyonce and Mariah songs. They were all vocally challenging. In the future, I will have to make a diva playlist with people like Brandy and Toni Braxton, so I don't strain my voice. I did all 234234 key changes in Beyonce's "Love on Top" and I'm pretty sure I heard something pop on the last change. I'm not even exaggerating.

I made it to NOLA safely. Well, I almost died twice but whatever. First I followed a car and almost ended up driving into oncoming traffic, as he apparently disregarded the one way street. THEN I was on a street and looked up and saw a street car coming at me full speed. That shit was scary. I felt like I was in that scene in "Clueless" when they are driving on the expressway. I made it to Wild Kitty's house and we went and got some food and a few beverages. It was cold as hell (read: 45 degrees) and I thought whiskey was the best way for me to warm up. Turns out I was right.

The next day, I woke up hella early to take a streetcar to the French Quarter to meet up with Ashley and the gang from Illinois. we took a cemetery tour. I didn't mind it, but everyone else was over it, so we bounced and Ashley told us interesting stories. We had a really good lunch and that kicked off a day of drinking. I think the Saints were playing that day, so being the sports fan that I obviously am, I took shots with the group to encourage them to score. IT WORKED. I was so proud and the city felt so electric. Then the 49ers made a play that shut the whole city of New Orleans the hell up. You could have heard a pin drop. We took one more shot but it was too late. Luckily the bartender comped it. I went out that night and say Will Ferrell and a bunch of other people who were in town filming "Dog Fight" Super random, but cool nonetheless.

Next day on like 4.5 hours sleep, I woke up and grabbed food. Then we headed to look at historic homes. We also saw some celeb houses which were cool. Then it was time for more drinking. After like 6 trips to New Orleans I finally made it to Pat O'Brien's. I didnt drink a hurricane, but my margarita was on POINT. I dropped the ladies off and headed to a boy bar. I didn't see any celebrities and it was actually really awesome for a Saturday in Orlando, but just ok for a night in New Orleans. THen I reminded myself that it was a Sunday. IN January. I freaking love that city! I fell in and out of love like 10 times before heading home.

I went home and slept for like 3.5 hours before my family was up and packing to leave. I was super sad leaving them as my time pretty much flew by. It was great seeing them. I went and met up with wild Kitty and we got breakfast. I will say I'm glad I don't live in New Orleans because the food is good and I'm sure it'd be enough to get me back into eating again. After a meal and some real talk, I parted ways with the city I love so much and headed back to Orlando.

I basically came to the conclusion that escaping every now and then is a necessary thing for me. It was just what I needed to clear my head from the residual fuckery of the holidays. I can't wait to do it again. Next time I will fly though.

An Open Letter to Heidi Klum and Seal

Dear Seidi,

First, I should say sorry for that attempt at a celebrity mashup name. It really didn't work. Furthermore, I HATE celebrity mashup names. That should just show you how distraught I am as I am writing this. Now onto business. Last night I was online looking up something (Ok, my friend Mike told me to look up Travis Barker's penis online) on a pop gossip site and I saw a headline saying "Heidi to file for divorce from Seal" I didn't believe it. I mean, just minutes earlier the internet was blowing up about Joe Paterno dying. Then he wasn't dead. I had my fill of emotional roller coasters fueled by internet bullshit.

Imagine the scene this morning as I am lounging in bed trying to think of a reason to leave bed early. I am cuddled up and I start reading about how Roseanne is attacking Beyonce fans. I start doing research on the topic and yet again come across divorce stories about you two. I got this one from a different source that seemed a bit more reputable. I mean, MediaTakeOut.com has NO credibility with me, so that is why I initially blew it off. Shit got REAL. All this before 9:15, mind you! I immediately had to take to my computer to write out a letter to you both, on why you should make it work. Ok, that's kind of a lie, I made some oatmeal first. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I do my best thinking when I am full or drunk. Social norms state that 9am is too early to be drunk, so I chose food.

Heidi and Seal, I love you as a couple. Heidi, you are beautiful in every sense of the word and your body still bangs HARD after what, 58 kids? Seal was there for you when you were left high and dry by that millionaire while you were fat (some would say pregnant, but whatever) and has loved you ever since. He even went along with your over the top Halloween costumes. I mean, I don't think I have ever been in love enough to want to do a costume with my partner. SEAL LOVED YOU! Plus, he gave you a bunch of kids. He is quite virile and you seem to like to be pregnant. I don't see what the problem is. Plus I'm guessing Seal is banging and slanging because you used to love talking about how great the sex was. It was almost too much. Nope, I stand corrected: it was TOTALLY too much.

Seal, you sang "Kiss from a Rose" which I still love. Being featured on a Batman soundtrack is the way to my heart I suppose. Let's just face it. You have a nice body and a nice voice, but you aren't traditionally hot. I don't know if you can bag someone much hotter than Heidi. The fear of a downgrade should be enough to keep a marriage together.

You both serve as a template for a great, blended family. You give interracial couples something for which they can strive to be. Hell, you give "ugly" dudes hope that they can end up with the pretty girl. Baby mamas get a message that yes someone will still love you and your baby that isn't his. Pretty much this marriage is much bigger than either of you. I suggest you two take a mini vacation away from the press and your 34234320 children. Reconnect and get back to why you two fell for one another in the first place. If it was Heidi's VS Angel body and Seal's mandingo, then go with it. Sex/Babies are great ways to keep a marriage together. That may have been a blatant lie, but I'm to the point where I will say whatever to keep you two a couple. I'm really just hoping that this was false information and that you are happy and having sex as I type this.


Sincerely,

Ian

p.s. I am not a baby mama nor do I consider myself ugly. I guess I would fall into the category of a fan of the swirl.

New Video: Stupid Ho

OK,
so Nicki went ahead and made a video for this song. I am really surprised as it seems like something off a mixtape. I don't see it getting played on the radio since it's pretty raunchy. I will say that I'm not really LOVING the singles I have been hearing from her. I feel like she can and needs to do a little better. I will say that the video is interesting. I was shocked I made it through it without having a seizure, but I attribute to being so distracted by Nicki's donk. Her makeup looks really good (shoutout to the MAC endorsement) and her wig collection is on point. I hope all of those bald headed women who sacrificed their hair know that it has been fried and dyed and now lays on Nicki's side, what an honour!

I must say that at this point, I feel that Nicki and Kim BOTH need to stop with the swipes at one another. It's just tired. Like Nicki is getting money, fame and is hanging with Madonna. And Kim, well she's dropping mixtapes that CRASH PayPal. Both of them are bad bitches. As a bad bitch, getting involved in petty squabbles is beneath you. You let them other hoes fight. That's been pretty much the saying that has kept me out of trouble and my mug in tact. I really would like Nicki to show me something beyond "Kim, why you mad?!" She always has such fun verses when she is a guest but then she kinda leaves me saying "eh.." on her own shit.

As for Hype Williams.. I just can't anymore. I mean, he was such an innovator and I feel like this would be good for someone else, but not Hype. It's decent. Maybe I need to just lower my expectations from him. I will say that bug eyed doll look was creepy and kind of cool. See, I am going to end this on a positive note.