BHM Day 29:The Cocoa Council

Today is such a BIG day for me. I mean, it's the last day of BHM which means that I no longer have to write a post a day. My carpal tunnel will be excited about it. It's the beginning of ANTM: British Invasion which means that I am sure to find out new levels of fuckery courtesy of one Tyra Banks. Today is New Month's Eve, which is exciting because it leads to new beginnings and gives me a chance to get drunk and make out with randoms. On top of it all, it's also leap day. Not sure what happens on a leap day but everyone else is in a tiz, so I just jumped on the bandwagon.

Even though there is so much going on today, I had one more BHM spotlight post to write. I've been thinking all day "Who should wrap up the month?" I mean there are a lot of Black people out there and I could really go on about any one of them. Hell I could even have shined it on the guy who looked like he was about to jump me as I walked into work today, but I decided to keep it classy this BHM. Instead, I am turning the light onto myself and my best friend Max. Yes I can win my own award. It's my blog and I make the rules around this bitch. OKKK?

I picked us for a bunch of reasons:

1.) We have really owned the reverse Oreo pose in the above photo
2.) We are forever educating cocoa inhibited individuals on the virtues of our cocoa culture
3.) I wanted to make a point that BHM isn't just for the rich and famous. You can ball on a budget and still live the dream!
4.) We created the Oreo dance move. That was truly a game changer.


Beyond those reasons, it still is cool to me that Max and I have both broken so many stereotypes and overcome obstacles. We both graduated college. Max even went on for further schooling. (always trying to show me up) At least one of us (me) swims. Our rap sheets are clean (NOLA foolishness doesn't count right?) and we are both gainfully (girl I guess) employed. I know these things sound completely unremarkable but you have to keep in mind that the statistics can be bleak for Black men in this country. We have been fortunate enough to beat the odds and that should be applauded. Go on, I'll wait.. I've got all damned night. Clap! (hands optional)

In all seriousness, Max and I aren't that odd anymore. That's why it still shocks me when people are so shocked that I am so well spoken. LIke am I supposed to sound like a character out of "Roots" or "The Color Purple"? Get out of here before I beat you like Harpo! There are plenty of people out there just like Max and me. Thanks to the people who paved the way for us waay back when (I see you Frederick Douglass!) and people who continue to pave the way today (Whattup Obama?!) we are constantly redefining what it means to be black in America. Yes the Beyonces and the Diddies of the world are showing people different facets of Black people and black culture, but it's the Maxs and Ians of the world who you know. Y'all are NOT hanging out with Bey or Puff. Lesbi-honest here. I truly feel like it's the daily interactions that we have that help change the way people think. Did I stage a 1 million man march? Hell no! You know I hate marching. But I know I have proven that Black people can swim and that Black people can be excellent at science. I am still working on proving that I can be on time, but Egypt wasn't built in a day y'all...

BHM Bonus!

OK, so I didn't write any of this, but I read it on someone's wall today and thought it was funny as hell. Like it literally had me guffawing in my workplace. Get into it:



Dana Alexander
stolen from Brandy McMillen
LMAO! To celebrate the last day of Black History I bring you:

Please add these overlooked facts to your "firsts", while teaching your family, friends or students these important events during Black History month:

Dedrick "Slick" Lawrence - First person to wear a fur coat when it's not even cold outside.

Charles "Sweet Mac" Farnsley - First to call someone else a jive turkey.

TORNETTE PITTS: First to warp the time-space continuum by slapping
somebody into next week.

Sequoia Brimley - First person to go straight to church on Sunday after leaving the club earlier that morning.

LOUISE PERKINS: First person to attempt to climb into a casket at a funeral.

Rodney "Hot Rod" McKenzie - First to tell someone that they play too much.

THADDEUS COLLINS: First person to wear a shower cap outside.

CEEPHUS MCCOY: First to ask for change back from a church collection plate.

George Watley - First person to sneak an entire dinner into a movie theatre.

Amelia Wooten - First to start a soul train line at a wedding reception.

Edna B. Cash - First to refer to soap operas as "the stories."

MAVIS BLACKWELL: First to use the phrase "the illustrious" to describe her pastor (i.e. - "I am a member of 1st Corinthian Leather Baptist Church where the illustrious P.J. Jones is the Pastor").

Drew Graves - First to sell bootleg music and movies in barber shops and outside grocery stores.

TROY BOOKER: First to refer to a flavor of Kool-Aid as "red."

VIRGIL T. BANKS: First person to use the phrase "see, what had happened was..."

Johnston Green - First to refer to someone as "high yellow."

Precious Robinson - First person to keep her good jewelry in a Crown Royal bag.

Jamaica Masby - First to throw her hands in the air and wave them around as if she just didn't care.

Bennett "June Bug" McDaniel - Coined the phrase "My name is Bennett, and I ain't in it."

Jefferson Clarks - Normalized the practice of shaking up a handful of sunflower seeds before eating them.

UMAR X (birth name: Tyrone Griswold): First black male militant to marry a white woman.

Roland Jones - Perfected the "make four cuts on the side to keep the middle from bubbling up" method of frying bologna.

Jonathan "Lil' Johnny" Porter - First person to tell a woman he'd drink her bathwater.

EUGENE J. C. MILLSTON: First person to talk to the screen during a movie.

Marquita Parker - First person investigated by DCFS for burning her child's ears with a hotcomb.

TAWANDA DAVIS: First person to use hair gel to create baby hair all over her head.

WILL RICHARDS - First man to put something on his mama (i.e. - "TOUCH ME AGAIN AND WE GON' FIGHT, MAN, I PUT THAT ON MY MAMA!").

REV. W.J. SHANKLIN: Inventor of the church building fund.

Joseph Foster - First to inform people that you can't eat just anybody's potato salad.

Etta Lee Green - First person to call somebody else "worsome."

Rufus Wellsley - First man to shoot someone over a game of spades.

VERNON MCDANIELS: First person to eat a mayonaise sandwich.

Neeka "Nee" Hollsworth - First person to use the phrase "than a mug" to describe something (i.e. - "It is colder than a mug out here!").

Tyrone Clayburn - First person to refer to someone as a "play cousin."

Raynard Mack - First person to put a utility bill in a child's name.

JOHNNIE MAE WILKINS: First person to proclaim herself "too blessed to be stressed."

Georgia Buston - First person to attempt to heal a broken limb with
Robitussin and Witch Hazel.

WILLIE LAMBERT: First man to slap the taste out of somebody's mouth.

Trisha Jones: First person to have "been had" something (i.e. - "You just now getting that new Kenny Lattimore CD? Man, I been had that").

Jason Hill - First person to purchase $2 worth of gas at a gas station.

DELORES "BIG MAMA" COLE: First person to refer to diabetes as "that sugar."

ORVILLE WASHINGTON : First man to "wish a motherf**ker would...."

Buford Humphries - First man to walk into a salon and request that his hair be "fried, dyed, and laid to the side."

AMBROSE WILLOBY: First person to tell someone that they "don't know nothin' bout this"

Tenitra Hollbrook: First person to call somebody a player-hater.

Tamika Bunsen -First to begin a sentence with the phrase "me myself personally..."

SAMUEL HINKLEY, JR.: First person to take a picture in a Wicker Chair

Rorie McCauley. First person to tell somebody that she don’t have to do nothing but stay black and die
VONIQUE BATES: First person to successfully slap the black off of someone.

THALMA MARTIN: Cultivator of the "ni**a please" facial expression.

MAYBELL BROWN: First person to cover a piece of furniture in plastic for everyday use.

These Brothers and Sisters have been omitted from the history books. After having read this, you know why.

BHM Day 28: The Illuminati

Today I would like to take a quick moment to shout out the organisation behind Black America's success. Illuminati, please stand up! We all owe you a big muthafucking round of applause for the likes of Beyonce, Michael Jackson, Jay Z and basically anyone who is famous and has skin that isn't white.

If you are a complete moron, you wouldn't get that I was being sarcastic. I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy but I'm tired of hearing of the Illuminati. It's gotten to the point now that when someone Black becomes famous, people start looking for ANY clue that they are tied to the group. Nobody was hollering Illuminati when Rihanna was begging he DJ to turn it up on "Pon de Replay" but as soon as she started making major waves, people were REAL quick to yell that she had signed up with the devil. Youtube is now cluttered with thousands of videos that dissect the videos, statements and even mannerisms of famous black people and then they break it down and tell why it's so Illuminati. People get a fucking life.

It irks me even more when black people are so quick to jump on the bandwagon. I think Illuminati is today's flavour of Haterade. ____ has more money/fame than me? Must be the devil's doing! Instead of hating, go out and get our own money/fame. I seriously would hope that after 27 days of me showing various black people (and a few whites for fun) that people would get the idea that Black people can be whatever they want. You want to play basketball? Go ahead. Be a singer? Sure! Hell, if you want to run the country, you can be president now. That is what BHM is all about to me, remembering all the endless possibilities and the people that helped make those possibilities endless.

SO the next time you hear someone talking that booty chatter about Illuminati, I urge you to give them a strong side "I hope you know the Easter Bunny ain't real either" side eye. In other news: if the Illuminati is real, please don't ruin my credit in retaliation. Thanks!

BHM Day 27: Oprah

So I woke up to this video today and I was instantly reminded of how awesome this woman is. She stopped her show last year but still continues to be HBIC.

Oprah somehow managed to work her way into the hearts and minds of America. She wasn't the prettiest, the thinnest or the most white washed, yet she got to a place where she would mention a product a million of women would run out and buy it. How did she do it? Hell if i knew I wouldn't be writing this blog I'd be on television giving away my favourite things and screaming celebrity names. Alas, I am not :( No, but seriously, I think the key to her success is being someone that everyone can relate to. Yes, she is rich as hell, but she doesn't come off as snotty. She still talks the same and never randomly picked up a British accent (Oh hey, Madonna!) We have all seen her battle her weight and that is something that people in the flat states can relate to.

I wasn't sure how she was going to fare post talk show, as the OWN network hasn't really taken off the way many anticipated. Building a network from the ground up is no easy undertaking. I still think that O is winning. She is able to do what she wants and how she wants to. If that's not the definition of a boss then you need to go ahead and tell me what is. Go on. I'll wait.... See, told you!

Oprah is incredible. Seeing someone who is fearless in her approach to life just is an inspiration to get up, get out and do something. Maybe I might get started writing that book! Hell, I could start filming that pilot for that show I've always wanted to do. Shoot, I may mess around and apply for grad school!! First I should probably put on pants. Oprah would put on pants, right? Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about Oprah. I feel like someone should knight her (or Dame her?) or give her a Nobel Prize. Until then I guess the BHM spotlight will have to do. Oh, and plus I ALMOST forgot about this gem of cunty dramacality that she blessed us with:

An Open Letter to Rihanna

Hey Ri!

It's me Ian. I haven't written you in awhile, but I've been busy and shit. You know how that goes! Ok K K?! Anyway, I'm going to get straight to the point. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU!? I have stood by your side through the good times and through your beatdowns. Hell, I was even there through the Sideshow Bob hair. How do you repay me!? By acting a damned donkey, that's how.

I remember when you were talking to Diane Sawyer about the Chris Brown "incident" and feeling sick to my stomach. I went through it for you. I bought (yes paid my US dollars for it) "Rated R" and even though people thought it was dark and moody, it really struck a chord with me. I think it's your best album to date. Then you lightened up and got LOUD. You seemed like you were ready to leave the drama behind and have fun again. That a girl! Shake off that negative and do something fun! You quickly put out 2424230 singles and had your sights set on the next project.

Now, we are in the Talk that Talk era and I guess sales aren't what you wanted. After the smash success of "WE Found Love" people were surprised that you didn't kill on the charts. "You Da One" apparently didn't do what it should have, which is weird since i LOVE that song, so you rushed to a Jay Z assisted track, "Talk That Talk" Even that song doesn't seem to be catching fire so you reverted back to some stunt queen 101 foolishess: You got your attacker on a remix to a song.

One more time: YOU HAD THE MAN WHO TRIED TO RE-ARRANGED YOUR FACE DROP A VERSE ON YOUR NEXT SINGLE. What in the fuck have you been smoking? (besides reeefer?) Your career took off after the assault. Many accused you of using it to sell albums. It didn't help that you released an album RIGHT after finally talking about it. I said "back up off her, it's her right..." You wanted to be the voice of battered women and give them strength. Is this how you do it? Ike beat the hell out of Tina. I'm guessing she came to some sort of peace over it, but you didn't see her bringing his ass up on stage to do "Proud Mary" You KNEW people were going to talk that talk (get it?) when they got wind of your collaborations (yes, that is an S, because you did a verse on his new single as well)

The RI-mixes came off as nothing but cheap publicity. Neither of you needed it. I get wanting to show that you are over it, but this just seemed like a bit much. Plus you still have all those girls out there who are ignorant enough to make comments like "Ohh CB is so hot he can beat my ass any day!" Not cool. It's one thing to forgive, but only a silly bitch forgets. Don't be a silly bitch. Remember, you WANTED to be a role model for young girls who were being abused. Beyond that, it is reported that your management team at Roc Nation was PISSED and tried it's hardest to block to singles from being released. They are trying to protect your image. If you aren't getting paid, then they aren't. Now you are missing with Baby Blue's money and Jay & Bey are NOT having that. Please take note that Jay actually took his latest pop princess, Rita Ora to the radio to introduce her new single. You think he did that for ALexis Jordan? Hell to the naw.

Do I think Rita has the potential to replace you? Eh, that's up for debate. She seems to be more in the lane of Katy Perry or Jessie J (girls who can really sing) but still... You can't take what you have for granted. You aren't a great singer. You aren't a great dancer. You can pose your ass off, I will give you that. Keep in mind that for packaged artists like yourself it all comes down to who is working with you.

1.) Ester Dean: She writes most of your biggest hits. She was just signed to Roc Nation

2.) Star Gate: They produced most of your biggest hits. They have been part of Roc Nation since the jump

OK, so if you keep playing games and fucking around your writer and producers will be contractually obligated to ignore your Barbadosian (I didn't feel like googling the real term) ass. Think about that the next time you want to be all rebellious and shit. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you. I do this because I love you. Well that and because I have a lot of free time now. I am including some footage of this Rita chick so you can see who people are saying is in line to snatch your wig. Study up. Remember you are a bad bitch and can do things without cheap stunts.



Sincerely,

Ian

BHM Day 26: Jay Z

Today's BHM spotlight lands on Mr. Carter. You may know him as Jay Z. I simply refer to him as Beyonce's sperm donor. He really deserves it. I'm guessing you want to know why, so here goes:

Jay Z is not what one would call classically attractive. He has been called Joe Camel and has very exaggerated features. I know that when I heard Bey was carrying his seed, I prayed the baby would look like the mother. My prayers were answered. Jay is a man who embodies the idea of Swagger. Yes, that word is hella overused, but I think it fits him. The man had enough swagger to land the hottest chick in the game. He has style and knows how to wear clothes well. He is the epitome of working with what you've been given. Way to prove that "ugly" dudes can win in love/life!!

Jay is a taste maker. People want to be like him. When he started wearing throwback jerseys they flew off shelves. He then switched it up and started with tailored suits and people took note. People wanted to drink Cristal until he deemed their comments racist and now you couldn't give Cris away in the club for free. Ok that's a lie. I love champagne and was taught to never turn away a free drink. Ok, that's another lie...no one ever taught me that, but I feel like that's just common sense. Unless it's like from some sketchy ass person and has a high chance of containing roofies, I'mma drink that drink. O KKK?! Moving on.

He is a business, MAN, not just a businessman. See what I did there? Ok I stole that from him, but it's totally fitting. He is a major person in the industry. He left Def Jam to be on his own at Roc Nation. Granted, he hasn't really put out too many people yet, aside from a few WIllow Smith singles and albums from J Cole, Cheryl Lloyd and Alexis Jordan, but it's beyond album sales. He is taking control of his music and brand. He manages Rihanna and has signed on the likes of Ester Dean and Stargate (the writer and producers of smashes across different genres) He is basically making money hand over fist. Baby Blue's college fund is looking REALLY good at these times...

Lastly, I do think the man is talented. After watching "Fade to Black" and seeing how the man works, I must admit that I gained a new respect for him. To be relevant in rap over the age of 40 is no easy feat and he shows no signs of slowing down. Gotta love a man who is constantly evolving and who claims his children! (we're going to overlooked that alleged baby you had with that chick a few years back Jay) Enjoy your day in the light, Shawn!

BHM Day 25: Dionne Warwick

With the passing of Whitney Houston, I was reminded about a bad chick that needs today's BHM spotlight. Who is it?! None other than Dionne muthafuckin' Warwick! What do you know about Dionne? Probably not enough. She is just more than nippy's cousin, y'all!

1.) She is behind Aretha Franklin as the most charted female singer with 56 singles hitting the Billboard 100 from 1962-1998

2.) She has a bunch of friends who are psychic and started a network for them. Her informercials kept a young Ian up many a nights during his youth.

3.) She smokes pot. She was caught in MIA with 11 joints in a tasteful case during a routine search at the airport. Basically she is a boss because the charges didn't really stick AND she didn't even have to take a mugshot. That my friends is the definition of a BAD BITCH. Paris Hilton, take note.

4.) She sang one of the best parts on "We Are the World"

5.) She sang " Say a Little Prayer for You" which is a pretty awesome song and should be loved by all.


Pretty much after watching her on television recently, I have decided that Dionne is cool people. SHe is that fun cousin who will not only let you smoke weed with her, but will show you just how to roll a blunt the right way, so that you get the most out of your pot. Hell she might even sell to you if you don't tell your parents! Dionne is like teflon. She doesn't give a damn! When Aretha was a no show at the funeral she just rolled with the punches with a "oooooook, alright!" I love her smokey, voice. I just smile when I think of her and I am so proud to shine this little light of mine on her. Enjoy your time Ms. Warwick.


Please take note of her awesomeness at 1:45