That's Gay

So today started out like most any other day. I woke up, cursed the fact that I was up so early for no apparent reason and then went in to work later on in the day. Nothing remarkable really happened until...wait for it... I GOT HATE CRIMED!!! "Oh Ian, quit being dramatic" is probably what an insensitive fuck would say, but I'm assuming that no one who reads my blog (all 3 of you) is a fuck. Let me set the scene:

It's a somewhat busy Saturday in a kids section of one of the nation's largest clothing retailers. Ian is putting out some merchandise and trying to work on some Rihanna choreography in his head at the same time. A lady who looks like the stereotypical suburban house mom approaches Ian.

SHM Hi are you busy?

Ian: Hi, what's up?

SHM: *holds up some shorts* are these too gay for a 13 y/o boy?

Ian: *thinking he misunderstood what she says and gives her the benefit of the doubt* Personally, I don't love those shorts. I am a solid or more of a plaid guy, but that's just my preference

SHM: Oh, true. Yeah, they are kind of gay

Ian: *at this point is sure what he heard was right the first time, now begins to bite his lip before he says something to get him fired* Oh. Umm, well yeah, like I said, they aren't everyone's taste...

SHM: I mean, no offense, but you know... They're pretty gay

Ian: *is praying that his lip isn't permanently bruised from the intense biting, talks into his walkie talkie and excuses himself*




SO yeah, that's how it went down. I was annoyed for a few reasons:
1.) Just days after people were dancing in the streets because our President said that he felt gays should be able to marry, I am hearing people say this. Funny enough I was just discussing hours beforehand how I thought it interesting that people were getting worked into this tizzy over such a simple statement that doesn't fundamentally change much. I compared it to a baby step in the right direction, actually. If people still are talking like this, I'm going to need more leaps and less baby steps. Seriously, first GCB gets cancelled and now this!? What a rollercoaster week for team zest!


2.) I was so shocked and taken off guard that I didn't say anything. I'm no fighter. I'm a lover. Ok, that's a lie. I don't throw punches, but I pride myself with my use of words. I am rarely at a loss for words. Today I simply froze up and was taken over by a feeling of "is this broad serious!?" This leads me to my third point:

3.) I have been thinking of things to say and do since it happened. I could have spoken with a lisp and snapped my fingers while calling her "GURL" I could have been like "those shorts aren't really gay, but you know what is? BUTTSEX!" I just keep on thinking "Ian, you are funnier than that" Like maybe I not going to change her mind, as she CLEARLY knew the term was offensive, but I should have at least made her squirm for my enjoyment.



Anyway, well I guess once again, writing has made me feel better. Hopefully if and when this happens in the future I'll be ready to throw more shade than an oak tree and to read a bitch like the hunger games.

New Video: Where Have You Been

In other posts/open letters I've written Rihanna, I have often complained about her laziness. Yes she puts out an album every year and drops a new single every 6 weeks, but it just sometimes seems half assed. She started off her "Talk That Talk" era with "We Found Love" which is a huge dance song, but she didn't really dance in the video. Luckily it was an emotional take on young, crazy love, so I let that slide. "You Da One" was next and I freaking love the song. The video was forgettable and the song didn't perform well. They rushed to release the Jay Z assisted, "Talk That Talk" but that didn't work. I thought she'd given up promotion of the CD and moved onto her summer movie. I was wrong. Today she dropped the video for "Where Have You Been"

Before I go on, let's get one thing straight: Rihanna stopped giving a fuck years ago. Read her Twitter and you'll see that she is committed to the cause of not giving a fuck. Why did I bring this up? I like the word "fuck" and I say that to show that she doesn't really seemed concerned about pleasing the haters. Hell she doesn't even really seem to care too much about pleasing her fans. I don't know what inspired/motivated her to make such a bomb ass video, but I am perfectly ok with it. Finally she delivers a video that proves why she is deserving of all of that attention.

Some highlights:

I like the intro, where is is coming out of the water like some fierce swamp creature with scales over her titties.

At :47 I love that look. She looks so freaking exotic.

:52 she starts out in the first dance break that puts an island twist on the stanky leg. The choreo is sick and is full of intricate footwork.

1:30 she busts out a new lacefront. I like it because it makes me think of Whitney Houston. This begins the SECOND dance moment, which is her and all girls contorting on the floor. It kind of took me to Beyonce in "Run the World" but this has more stank on it.

1:54 Rihanna and her girls get off the floor and work it while standing. They do some arm movements and make what looks to be an eye that SHUTS. AWESOME.

3:08 starts the dance moment where Rihanna's dance is dedicated to her coochie. She frames it with her hands.

3:14 Ooop! It just got better, she does a move that I'm either calling "The Pussy Pat" or the "Coochie Clap"


3:30 This look has Rihanna looking like some queen of the forest or an Indian Goddess.


Rihanna goes back into the water, but this time we see that it is filled with her hot male dancers. I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume that she's gonna get it in.




So this video is pretty fucking amazing. She looks good AND she danced. See, girl, it wasn't that bad! Save beauty videos for ballads. But please don't put out ballads. It just never a good idea. I needed this after being let down by Nicki's "Starships" video. Thank you Rihanna.

Album Review: Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded

Nicki is dropping her follow up to her successful first album, "Pink Friday" with an album with an original title, "Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded" I think the title is kind of dumb, but whatever. Nicki has said she is pretty much at the point where she is able to do whatever she wants and people will eat it up. This is good, as it allows her to experiment and try things without feeling the need to please people. This album shows some growth, but it also shows her dabbling in a bit of everything and effectively seems like it's meant to please everyone. There is pop, R&B, and oh yeah, she raps too.

Roman Holiday: I didn't get or even like this song when she premiered it on the Grammy's. I think the performance was just too fucked up for me to focus. Now that I've listened to it, I get it. It's a great way to start out a CD, as has a frenzied pace and has a message of "Ok, I'm back to talk some SERIOUS shit"

Hood Shit:
Come on a Cone: This song has a hot beat. Nicki is talking some serious shit on this. She has a serious ODB vibe that people have come to want. I think the highlight of the song is her singing "Dick on your face" Like who says that?

I Am Your Leader: She pairs up with Cam'ron and Rick Ross. I didn't even know Cam was still putting out music, so I was shocked as hell. I actually like his verse a lot.

Beez in the Trap: this is for strippers and lovers of ratchet ass things.

Hov Lane: The beat reminds me of a throwback Lil Wayne/Hot Boys beat.

Roman Reloaded: "More knots than Eric from Basketball Wives" hahaha She is popping off on Rap Bitches. Again. *yawn* Little Wayne jumps on for some credibility.

Champion: How she got Nas to collaborate with her is beyond me. He is official and Nicki seems to realise this as this song is a bit more serious in the lyrical content. She sings the hook, probably to prepare us for things to come.

Right By My Side: She teams up with Chris Brown for an R&B joint. Told you she was prepping us for more singing... I like her verse at the end

Sex in the Lounge: nothing too notable about this song for me

Fist Pump Nation:
Starships: I really don't love this song. I feel like Miley Cyrus should have sung this. I am apparently in the minority, as this is one of her biggest songs. THis will be our first taste of Nicki's venture into fist pump nation.

Pound the Alarm: More club friendly music in the same vein ass Flo Rida.

Whip It: Nothing too special about it, but I like songs that have the sound of a whip in it. I'm a sucker for it, I guess.

Slow Jams:

Automatic: I feel like this could have been a Jennifer Lopez song to follow up "On the Floor"

Beautiful Sinner: Nicki singing over a club beat that builds up to a dramatic chorus.

Mariyln Monroe: I thought this was only a demo, but apparently it made the cut. This is us seeing Nicki being vulnerable.

Young Forever: The beat is cute, but the song is just ok to me.

Fire Burns: I think I would like this song more if Rihanna sang it.

Gun Shot: She teams up with Beenie man. I love when she busts out the island swagger. I really wish she would have went harder, but she is singing here. I would love to hear them trade verses, but I guess i'm asking too much.

Bonus Tracks:

Stupid Hoe: a ridiculous song that has Nicki *gasp* throwing jabs at a female MC *cough* Lil' Kim *cough*

Turn Me On: This was a huge song for Guetta and Nicki and I'm sure gave her the confidence to make a whole fist pump section to her album

Va Va Voom: Super Bass Part II. The same people that lost it over Super Bass will probably like this.




Overall I think this is a solid offering. There really is a lot of genre crossover going on throughout, which makes the album sound a bit schizo when you listen to it on shuffle. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that Nicki has been told she can sing and likes to sing a lot. I don't think it's horrible, but I really love it when she is rapping and dropping memorable verses. I was thinking that maybe she would shut people up who say that her most memorable verses are on other people's songs, but she really didn't do that here. Ahh well, still a solid album and I'm sure it'll be shoved down my throat for the next 2 years, so I had better get on board QUICK.

I'm not even going to talk about the album artwork...

New Music Video: Naked

So I have been about this song for about two months now. It's by Dev (she's the girl who got our attention on "Like A G6") and features Enrique. The song has a nice beat and vibe to it. It's nothing groundbreaking from what either or them have been putting out recently, but they do mesh quite nicely together. I must admit that I have this love/hate relationship with her when she says "It's the Cataracs!" Bitch, we know.

As for the video, I'm a fan. I was concerned when the first 30 seconds focused on her putting on Calvin Klein makeup. I really hate such blatant plugs. I would be lying if I said I liked her styling. She looks like an 80s porno Katy Perry. (not in a good way) She is one of those people who isn't necessarily striking to look at, but with the right styling could be decent. Dev, let me style you. Enrique looks great! His hair is laid. Dev made a smart decision to show him often (even when she's singing) I must say I'm a little upset at the lack of nudity in the video, but that's just me. Overall, it's well shot and i like how it has a Terry Richardson grit to it. The whole thing just makes me want to go to Vegas and stalk Enrique. Wait, what?

New Music: Every Time

So Amerie is back to making music. She hasn't really been able to find too much success and is often viewed as kind of a one hit wonder. Well, I guess she is ready to try to change that with her return to music. She has added an I to her name, but Ameriie just looks re damned diculous so I refuse to use it. This song sounds like classic Amerie, which is good and bad. It's good because she isn't trying to do what the next chick is doing and will probably please her true fans. It's bad because the song isn't very remarkable, much like classic Amerie tracks. I still am on the fence with her voice. I don't think I could sit through a whole album of it. It kind of annoys me after 10 minutes. Hopefully she sticks to short songs and squeezes out some more music before Beyonce gets off maternity leave.

New Music: Fuck Up the Fun

Ok so this is a new track by Azealia Banks. She has really been doing major things this year and I like her style. It's actually shaping up to be a good year for female rappers. For this track, she teamed up with my White Chocolate Boo, Diplo and the track bangs HARDER than a mofo. She spits her verses at a rapid fire pace and basically is talking a lot of shit. I'm not mad. Get into it

Open Letter: Kimberly "Lil Kim" Jones

I worked an overnight last night and I took a shower before going into work. This song was in my head and it stuck with me all night. I thought about how much I loved your verse in it and how to this day people remember it line for line. Then I thought that I haven't really heard memorable verses from you in a minute. You got so involved in changing your face (I'm going to leave that for another letter at another time) and shooting back at Nicki, that you lost sight of the music. The same way fans asked for "Old Nicki" I am wanting "Old Kim" I get that flows change and people do as well, but I still want a girl that spits with hunger and fire behind it. Don't rest of your classic lines, create new, even better classics.

I really do want you to win. Get to the studio and give the people what they want! I'm not asking for the pause, stop flow that everyone from Nicki to Big Sean are doing. I'm not asking you to grab your glowsticks and jump on the Guetta train. I'm asking you to do you. I have been listening to your CDs this past week and I'm finding songs that weren't singles that were doing some pretty different and innovative things. In "Can you Hear Me Now" you said:

My last album, some of y'all wasn't ready for it
Alright, I slow it up, put the brakes on for ya
I know what I'm doin, I ain't losin my mind
I'm just so advanced I'm ahead of my time
You all stuck at the back, I'm ahead of the line
Even in the dark, I'm still gon' shine
You'll see what I mean in 2009
I kick outer space raps - ILL RHYMES

You could not have called it any better. Sorry for that slap of reality. Maybe this awesome photo I peeped at Missjia.com will make you feel better! See, the whole time you were going after Nicki, when it looks like Drake is droppin down low and sweeping even more flo' than both of you heiffas!