So today is Mariah NoMiddlename Carey’s birthday. Well it’s technically her birthday, but she stopped celebrating those back in her twenties. I think now she just has festive anniversaries. I am celebrating by drinking. I am alone and it’s slightly trending towards alcoholism, but Mariah likes a flute or 7 of bubbly every once in awhile, so I thought I’d play the part. I was plum out of champagne, so I made myself a soju/shochu (it’s half the calories of vodka and Asian—I’m so fucking trendy) cocktail and took that shit to the head!
Tonight I want to just stop for a moment and give Mariah some credit. I don’t think people really remember what a musical force this woman is. She is one of the top selling artists of all time. ALL TIME people! She set records for the most number one singles by a solo artist. She was in “Precious” and wasn’t glamourous in the least. She has (had?) a 5 octave range and a whistle register that is NOT to be fucked with. Basically she’s a big deal. She’s not in a tizzy over the Beyonce song “Bow Down” as she understands that Bey is talking to basic bitches and haters, not to people that are actually important. Plus I’m certain that Mariah exists on her own planet and doesn’t great radio reception out there, so she’s probably never even heard the track.
I decided tonight to dust off her first big hit, “Vision of Love” and I watched the video. Her hair was kind of eh and she wore a basic black dress. Missing was the drama, fans and show for which the Mariah of today is known. I read some of the comments on Youtube and people were yearning for those days. Really? The woman could sing but she was really boring. She churned out hit after hit but that plain Jane, girl next door thing started to get a bit old.
Things got REAL interesting when she started to break from Tommy Mottola. Her dresses go shorter and her stilettos grew taller. Her hair got better and she basically started to fully own being a diva. The voice was there the whole time, now she had the attitude and confidence to go along with it. I started to really like her even more at this point. I think it might have been in reaction to the growing number of people who were upset that she was changing her look and sound. I have always been one to champion the cause of the underdog/forgotten/people with hella issues. Don’t believe me, check my volunteering record or the people I’ve dated.
We all know that Mariah had the fall RIGHT before September 11th. Coincidence? Probably. She managed to bounce back and have a huge album. Well not at first, but after the album Glitter and Charmbracelet, she stopped fucking around and put out The Emancipation of Mimi. It was and still is a really solid album.
Recently she has been on American Idol. I would like to talk about it, but I haven’t given a damn about that show since Kelly Clarkson. I know that she is probably amazing and throwing shade at Nicki whenever possible, so even I am shocked that I haven’t tuned in. Her body has been on point as of late (I attribute that to young penis) and she seems genuinely happy with her husband and twins. I know that she’s in the studio and I’m really excited to hear what she has to offer. Mariah is someone that I think is over the top and ridiculous. I think it’s a joke and that she doesn’t take herself that seriously. She is super talented and often misunderstood; this is why we are soul mates. Well that, and we both love to wave our hands around in slow motion.
I could really go on about Mariah for a few hundred more pages, but I won’t. I have to make another cocktail. I mean, it’s what Mariah would want. What Mariah wants, Mariah GETS.
Has anyone else ever noticed how she blinks to the beat around the 11 second mark? GENIUS.
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