Friday, December 13, 2013

Album Review: Beyoncé: Beyoncé


So Beyoncé released tour dates for her second round of the Mrs. Carter World Tour this week raising the question of “how in the world is this woman touring on no album?” Sure once was a coup and something novel, but two years doing her greatest hits? Who does she think she is? BEYONCE GISELLE KNOWLES CARTER, that’s who. In keeping with the idea that Bey does what she wants WHEN she wants, she has quietly released her fifth album online via itunes. A Friday the 13th release without any radio or promo tour? Who does that? BEYONCE, that’s who.

I heard awhile back that she was going to drop an album in December following the Jay Z Magna Carter blueprint (announce and release within a week) but had kind of given up. I knew that she was going to release this album when she was good and ready. This release comes weeks after Britney Spears’ album release, which was plagued by an early leak. Britney also streamed her album online for a full week before its release, which is another trend people are doing to drive promotion. Bey wasn’t here for that. Clearly she’s hit the point in her career that you want to see someone you admire hit: THE POINT OF NOT GIVING A FUCK. She’s doing things on her own timetable and in her own manner and I find it quite refreshing.
This album comes in an era where people have zero attention span. As a child of the 80s, I remember having to wait for things. Janet Jackson’s album got released when she said it was going to be released. There were countdowns and making the videos for all of my top artists and then you lived with the videos for months learning the dance moves. Now there is so much information constantly bombarding us, we really don’t take time to appreciate music the same way. I find that kind of sad.

Pretty Hurts: The video takes us back to Bey’s pageant days. This time around it’s a darker look into the pressures of society to be perfect on the outside. It’s an interesting way to start an album off and kind of feels like a modern day “Unpretty"
Ghost: This visuals will have illuminati conspiracy theorists saying “TOLD YOU SO” but I see a simple beauty video of her on a white background. The song has her pretty much doing spoken word over a pretty banging beat. Sounds like she is channeling her Ms. Hill as she seems to be over the politics of the music industry. “Probably won’t make no money off this but oh well” Girl, we all know by now that money is made on touring and merchandise!

Haunted: This track is unlike anything I’ve heard from Bey. I like how it starts out all sparse and then builds to a bit more of a dance song. It’s not David Guetta dance, but there is a thumping beat that makes me want to move. The video makes me think of American Horror Stories meets Disturbia. The whole time Beyonce looks like she is shooting a spread with Ellen Von Unwerth. I love the look.

Drunk in Love: This song… It’s a song about being dickmotized set to a beat that makes you want to screw up your face and bounce. Needless to say, I LOVE this. The Jay verse is good, but odd that’d he’d choose to refer to himself as Ike Turn Up and tell Anna Mae to eat the cake. When you are a musical couple, is that a wise analogy? Fuck it, you’re Jay, you talk your shit and leave us all to deal with it. The video looks like it was filmed moments before the two went off to try to give Blue Ivy a new brother or sister.

Blow: This video looks like Solange’s wet dream come true. There is roller skating, lowrider bikes and hipster looking people. The song has a decidedly throwback 80s vibe to it. It sounds like Pharell/Neptunes production. Towards the end of it, it switches into “Cherry” which sounds like TImbaland. Then right when you get used to the fact that Blow is over, she brings that beat back. The song(s) are light and fun and I love any choreography on roller skates.

No Angel: The video takes us back to H town and highlights all the hood shit that goes on there. Candy coated Lacs? Yup. Mean mugging thugs with gold toofeses? Ya bet! Stab wounds? CHECK! The vocals on this are falsetto and breathy. I enjoy it. IN other news: I still can’t get used to a skinny Paul Wall.

Yonce: I love the beat. It has a nice knock to it. This is a cocky/fun song and I love it when Bey acts out on tracks. Bey has recruited Chanel Iman, Jorudun Dunn and Joan Smalls to create a fly as hell girl gang. I’m seriously hurt that no one reached out to me.

Partition: I love how the video starts out with Bey sitting across from her lover at breakfast and he is reading the paper. She then goes into a daydream of her doing ho shit (but not like NIcki ho shit, but like classy Vegas showgirl type ho shit) The choreography is cool and sexy and goes with the vibe of this sexual song. I don’t have a car with a partition (or a car at all, actually) but the notion of getting freaky in the back of a car that has one just screams LUXURY. You know what doesn’t: he gonna Monica Lewinsky all over my dress. GIRL NO! OK, I’ll allow it.

Jealous: The video starts out the same way as Partition, but this time Bey goes in a different direction. Instead of sexy fantasies, she jumps up from breakfast, put on her lace robe with a collar higher than her neck, and stomps out. Sick of being ignored, she launches into Jealous, which I love. Then she flips it and talks about going out, talking to her ex and making her man jealous. Lyrically this feels very Frank Ocean to me and I am not mad about that in the least. Random note: I’m pretty sure Renee from ANTM 20 is in this video around 2:27.

Rocket: This makes me think of D’Angelo’s “Untitled” It is dripping sex. The video starts out following Bey’s amazing curves. For the majority of the video she is writhing in bed. When the song starts to reach its climax there are thinly veiled references like a gas nozzle being put into a tank and a drill penetrating a wall. Girl, you so freaky!

Mine: These are some pretty striking visuals. Bey starts out looking like saint holding someone painted all white, while holding a white mask. Behind her dancers in long, drapey fabric twirls for their lives, HUNNY! It all comes together to look like a moving painting. Drake comes in looking as emo as he wants to and I actually like the way the two blend together. I hate when people have a feature for the sake of a feature. I bet they stayed up late writing this song while eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching “Girls”

XO: So this track might be an early winner in my head. Something about it speaks my soul. It almost reminds me of how I felt when I first heard “Halo” It’s just quite simply, a beautiful love song. The video was the one she shot in Coney Island a few months back. Nothing too stellar here. Just her bopping around the park and people losing their damned minds. (not that I blame them)

Flawless: Ok, truth be told, I was upset when I didn’t see “Bow Down” on the track listing. Bey heard my prayers and she answered with this song which takes Bow Down, adds some lady talking about gender inequality and then ends with another cocky song. With new additions, Bow Down, seems a lot less anti female (as pressed bitches accused Bey of being) and more empowering to women and zestlemen alike. The video made me nervous at first as it looked like Bey was at a Skinhead concert. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently not all white people with shaved heads who are moshing are skinheads. Leave it to Beyonce to teach me lessons in a simple music video. #themoreyouknow

Superpower: A beautiful song with great lyrics. I like her with Frank Ocean and think their voices mesh well together. The video seems to have kind of picked up where “Run the World” left off. It’s that whole post-apocalyptic feel. Beyonce is doing a slow motion walk and people keep on joining. They all look mad as hell for some reason. I didn’t get the video. I mean, at one point Kelendria, Michelle AND Pharell have joined this march and we aren’t sure why they are marching. They all look amazing (yes, even Michelle) which makes it hard to look away. The video all made sense to me in the very last few seconds. Well played, Bey.

Heaven: Ok, I guess it wouldn’t be Beyonce if she didn’t make me tear up. The line of “Heaven couldn’t wait for you” just put me through it. The video is features my favourite dancer of hers and focuses on their friendship. Pretty simple. You know what wasn’t simple? Those seizures that followed after watching the last 30 seconds. Like who thought that’d be a good idea? I literally thought I was on my way to heaven. Wait.. Hold on. Maybe that’s the point. Bey, you’re so smart!

Blue: you already know I’m a sucker for a song that people write for their child. This song is so sweet you can’t help but smile and think about someone you love. If you don’t then you’re a heartless fuck. The video makes me want to go to Brasil STAT.

Grown Woman: I have waited for these visuals for so long. I love this song still and the video did not disappoint me. I love how they have her and Kelly re-enacting old footage and how the vintage footage is singing along to the track. This video brings us full circle to the pageant beginning of the album. I like the choreography and love the regal realness Mama Tina is serving up. Also, I wish I was the baby that she kisses in the end.



Overall I am satisfied with this album. It was refreshing to experience an album with visuals for every track all at once. I know I’m in the minority of people who still buy music, but it’s albums like this that demand I buy it. I don’t really like iTunes but trust and believe they got my 15.99. You want people to buy your shit? Make it new and different. Being _____ is no longer enough. (hey ciara!) You need to offer up something that commands attention. Will this album break first week sales records? I’m not Miss Cleo, how the hell would I know?! What I DO know is that it will make people sit up and listen and remember why they call this woman KING. (well that and she kind of strong armed us into it. You know who else demanded to be called King? Michael Jackson, that’s who.)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Album Review: Miley Cyrus: Bangerz (Deluxe Edition)



It might seem that my recent fascination/obsession with one Miley Cyrus is some new thing. I don’t usually tell people this, but I feel really close to you all, so I’m going to open up: I’ve been a closeted Miley fan for quite some time now. I mean, the line of “She’s just being Miley” is one of my favourites. I didn’t watch Hannah Montana, so my opinion has always been based solely on her music. I don’t think I am alone. I was out on July Fourth and saw a straight bar wild the hell out when “Party in the USA” came on.
So for those of you who don’t have cable, the internet or a general clue, Miley has been everywhere acting out and doing anything she can think of to show us just what “being Miley” entails. Apparently it has a lot to do with sticking your tongue out and taking provocative photos. She’s gotten all of our attention and has just dropped her album. She has a new sound and has been everywhere talking about how she wanted to make a classic album. Slow down girl! Rome wasn’t built in a day and Thriller wasn’t MJs first album released. So what’s all the hoopla about?

Adore You: This was an interesting way to start out an album called “Bangerz” This song is a pop ballad but has serious knock to it. The lyrics are actually really beautiful. Her voice is showcased quite well with the production.

We Can’t Stop: This is my life’s anthem. That’s all. No, but really it’s catchy for some reason I can’t really understand. When I first heard it, it felt like what it was: A song Rihanna turned down. Miley performed an acoustic version of this on SNL that was pretty dope.

SMS: Britney spears is on this song and it sample “Push It” by Salt N Pepa. There’s a LOT going on with the production here. Britney’s feature feels unnecessary here and doesn’t really do much to help the song.

4X4: I like this Pharell produced track. The song feels really country and she talks about driving so fast because she’s about to piss her pants. If that’s not country, I don’t know what is. This song makes me want to take shots of Fireball and dance on a bar.

My Darlin: I really don’t like Future, but I like this song. It samples “Stand By Me” and is really pretty and kind of sexy to me.

Wrecking Ball: This song is pretty genius. I like delivery on it and the chorus is just really big. It feels like a song that a Pink or a Kelly Clarkson could do justice as well. Once again Swedish producers have a hold of me. This song makes me want to drink wine while I burn my ex’s house down. Wait, is that weird? Shit.

Love, Money, Party: Way to follow up some a deep song like Wrecking Ball with this ignorant ass song. I actually enjoy the song, but there’s just not much to it lyrically. I will play this when getting dressed to go out while I do body rolls and make stank face.

Get it Right: Pharell is back and this track is so summery and breezy. I really love what they’ve done together and kind of wish there was more tracks of his. It sounds cute, but lyrically Miley is trying to get it in. MY GIRL!

Drive: There is this slightly annoying sound in the background, but I kind of like how hard the track just bangs you upside the head and doesn’t stop. I guess this is like Dubstep light?

FU: This song is pretty dope fuck off song. I like that it sounds super dramatic like something out of a musical or something. It’s really unique and not really like anything out right now.

Do My Thang: William from Black Eyed Peas (I refuse to be all cute with his name. Sorry) I like the track and it has Miley sounding urban as hell. I like how it sounds like it going to go the route of all other euro dance pop tracks but then it gets really dirty south.

Maybe You’re Right: another pop ballad. I like the beat and the lyrics are great, It’s not as big as Wrecking Ball, but I still am a fan.

Someone Else: It feels like this song had aspirations of being a dance track, but falls kind of flat.

Rooting For My Baby: This song genuinely bores me.

On My Own: The track is good. I think this is Pharell as well, but I’m far too lazy to google it. It makes me think of Daft Punk

Hands in the Air: I still love a Ludacris guest appearance, but this song is just mediocre.



So when I first listened to it, I was like “the hell?” but this is actually an album that you need to listen to a couple times. I was actually shocked by the way it turned out. I guess I was expecting songs more along the lines of “We Can’t Stop” and “Pour it Up” as those were the two main songs I knew the Mike Will Made It produced. I was slightly upset, but then pleasantly surprised. I mean, being versatile is always a good thing and I like when people zag when they’re expected to zig. Ya feel me? The title of “Bangerz” feels slightly misleading after hearing this album, but you can’t deny that every track has knock to it. Maybe Knockerz would have been a better title. Let me stop giving away all this creativity for free!

Anyway, I'm satisfied with the album and I think she'll have her fair share of people feeling some sort of way about this. It's not "Hood" Miley 100% and it wasn't Hannah Montana Miley either. Something tells me that she's fresh outta fucks and will continue to do what she wants. And yes, we will all watch and secretly love her morefor it.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Album Review: Ariana Grande: Yours Truly


I am too damned old to be concerned with Nickelodeon/Disney stars. However, when these stars decide to start making music, they become my concern. Ariana Grande is definitely on my radar. I hated on her first single when I heard it, but it won over my cold heart. Subsequent singles and even seeing her cover Mariah’s “Emotions” made me see that this chick is the real deal. Her whistle register is pretty dope. Yours Truly’ not only has to introduce the world to Ariana as a musical artist, but also let us know if this girl has what it takes to fill Mariah’s Louboutins. Here’s the blow by blow:


Honeymoon Avenue: The song and album start off with soaring strings (not unlike Justin Timberlake’s) which lead up to a mid tempo song that has some knock to it. Ariana’s vocals are really showcased and allowed to shine under this fairly simple production. I like how the lyrics stick to theme of driving to convey that she is over her man’s foolishness and wants him to go back to how he used to act when he was trying to first get in her panties. I mean, these are lyrics we can ALL relate to, no?

Baby I: The beginning of this reminds me of the start of a movie when they do the THX sound. I like the song. It’s really cute and frantic. The chorus has Ashanti written all over it. Hell, the whole song says “baby” probably 2342338 times. You know Ashanti is pissed that she didn’t write this first. It’s a fun and simple love song.

Right There: This song features not only Big Sean, but an amazing sample of a Lil’ Kim classic. I have always loved the beat to “Crush on You” so this song won me over quite easily. I like the addition of the snaps and the drums to make it sound a bit different and fresh.

Tattooed Heart: I have always said that Ariana is constantly styled like a girl from the 50s going to the dance. This song is most likely what her slow dance song of choice would be. It’s a bit boring, but it allows her to show off her powerhouse vocals.

Lovin’ It: A fun, bouncy track with a lot of hand claps and “hey” samples. This is starting to sound like her signature sound

Piano: I think I really enjoy the lyrics to this song. I just like the whole idea of “instead of being salty, I’m gonna get over it and dance”

Daydreamin’: She starts out all breathy and dreamy. She stops giving us 90s Mariah and serves up some 2000s Mariah for a moment. The song itself is decent.
The Way: This was the first song I heard about her. Many thought this was Mariah when it first came out. The Big Pun sample and the big voice definitely seemed like something that Mariah would have done back in the day. I didn’t love it when I first heard it, but it grew on me.

You’ll Never Know: I don’t have anything to say. It’s not horrible, just forgettable.

Almost is Never Enough: I freaking love this song. Productionwise it’s just a piano and some snaps (quel surprise) but the vocals and the lyrics is what makes it stand out. I don’t often care for slow songs, but Ariana and Nathan Skyes turned this song out. It kind of reminds me of Brandy’s “Brokenhearted”

Popular Song: I honestly thought MIKA was dead. I’m glad to report he’s not and he’s making music with Ariana Grande. I guess this is supposed to give unpopular kids hope. It’s kind of cheesy to me.

Better Left Unsaid: I guess no album in 2013 is complete until it has a fist pumping anthem. It’s an upbeat, fun song but it sounds like a bad David Guetta wannabe. I could have done without this.


Overall, I like the album. I don’t think the New Mariah” title is exactly just. Yes, the girl has pipes and a range that is far better than most chicks out today. With that being said, she still has a ways to go with learning exactly how to use what God has given her. I think she played it pretty safe with this album. She stuck to a formula of a piano, claps, chop and screwed vocals, and a few “HEY!”s for good measure. Yes, she had me nodding along, but a lot of material gets lost in the uniformity of the album.I think it was pretty smart to bring the 90s vibe. It comes off as something different for the younger generation who may not be familiar with 90s music. It strikes a chord of nostalgia with those of us who had some of our best memories set to 90s music.

I do think this is a solid first effort and that she could have a great career ahead of her. OR she could be the next Christina Aguilera. Remember when she was the new Mariah? How about Leona Lewis? When will people realize that calling new female artists “The New Mariah” is the kiss of death? Can we just call her “The next JoJo” and give this poor girl a chance to be great?

Here's little bonus:

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Album Review: Ciara: Ciara




Ciara’s album has finally made its way to release. This album is interesting in the fact that her last two have flopped horribly, yet she still has gotten chances to record. This broad is lucky as hell to have some type of longevity in the industry without the numbers to back it up. This album has been pushed back a bunch and even got renamed. I’m guessing that Ciara and her label are well aware that she needed to come back HARD. Quiet as it’s kept, I actually liked Basic Instinct and FantasyRide. They were solid efforts and probably could have done better with better promotion. This time around, the promotion feels much more, umm, existent. She has been all over “singing” (not unlike a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.. ya feel me? ) for her life. Recently, she was on the BET Awards and was probably one of the most talked about performances of the night. That’s the buzz that she should have been trying to create over this past half decade. Anyway, so here is a quick rundown track by track:

I’m Out: The track is banging and hype and would usually be a great way to start out an album. My issue here is that Nicki Minaj is the star of this track. She starts out with her rap and punch lines and ends the song. Ultimately Ciara feels like a guest on her own track. I like the song and the video is pretty dope as well.

Sophomore: Ciara slows it down on this song, which has a bit of an Island vibe to it. Lyrically she’s saying that her kitty kat is better than the next chick. Nothing too game changing here.

Body Party: This was the lead single and a Mike. Will Made It production. He is the go to guy so if he can’t give you a hit, you might as well go ahead and put in your application to Starbucks. The song is pretty sexy and I like the “My Boo” sample. The video is pretty sexy as well.

Keep on Lookin’: A man starts out screaming in patois, but then the beat turns a bit more grimey, Atlanta. This is a cocky song, but it’s pretty uninspired and I’m not really sure if I buy it.

Read My Lips: I love this song. It’s such a cute song and sounds super sweet. Upon a closer listen you realize that she is talking about oral sex. Sold! I will take two please.

Where You Go: Her man, Future is on the track which is quite vibey in feel. I just really can’t deal with Future on this track and he is HEAVILY featured here. He kind of took away from the song for me.

Super Turnt Up: I was thrown by the title. I was really expecting a track that was, umm, turnt up. Also I need people to stop using that phrase like yesterday. The track isn’t a standout to me.

DUI: Lyrically this might be one of her strongest songs. She is in the pocket vocally here. (read: her thin voice fits well with the track and vibe of the song)

Livin It Up: Another NIcki collaboration? Damn Gina! I actually am not a huge fan of the Nicki verse on this one. This song is a pop song about umm, living it up. It’s decent, but I don’t really see this on the radio.

Overdose: Another feel good pop record. The problem here is that this song doesn’t sound like it was written with her in mind. Something feels off.

So the album to me doesn’t seem to have too many hits for the radio. All tea, mostly shade, I think this album will flop. I’m guessing that with some buzz around her it’ll probably double the 37K first week sales of Basic Instinct, but I don’t see this going platinum. It’s not that she put out a horrible album, it’s just that she didn’t put out an AMAZING album. 10 tracks? Girl, this might be your swan song! Throw a few more tracks that might resonate with people! Also, I like variety from artists BUT I do feel like it’s important to have a sound/lane. Right now Ciara’s sound is her being a good dancer.

I really wish I had the unlock for Ciara. I really like her and oftentimes want to give her an old fashioned Tyra Banks “I was rooting for you! We ALL were rooting for you!” lecture. I can’t think of woman that can dance like her or perform the way she does. Hell, I can’t even really think of a video that she’s ever dropped that’s been lame. I’m hoping that this time around she will turn the corner and get the rest of the general population who buys music to care about her again.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Album Review: Kanye West: Yeezus



I am a huge Kanye fan. I have liked him from the jump and have always thought he was a great artist. I have respected his work and have been able to differentiate between his offstage antics and his work. With that being said, I am still able to be critical. I have lived with his new album for a few days now and these are some thoughts of “Yeezus”

On sight: The album starts out with an almost cacophonic sounding track. It’s jarring and a bit different sound. This track sets the stage for the rest of the album. Don’t expect to hear anything like what you’ve heard from the radio

Black Skinhead: The track has a great track with awesome drums. It ends up being a lush soundscape but it’s not the typical Kanye sound that we’ve been accustomed to. Funny enough it has a bit of the same swing as Christina Aguilera’s “I hate Boys” Ye’s delivery is rapid fire and aggressive. He ends it repeating “God” and sounding very Napoleon Dynamite.
I am a God: This track is just ridiculous. Play it on good headphones and you will appreciate it so much more. I think the second verse pales in comparison to the first. I like the song but think he could have taken it further. The track has screams and heavy breathing. Kanye, you stunt queen, you!

New Slaves: I like how the track starts out super stripped down (well for Kanye) so you can focus on his powerful words. I think lyrically this is where I like Kanye. I like when he’s talking about something a bit deeper over a banging beat. I kind of wish he brought this same lyricism to “I am a God”

Hold My Liquor: This track gives us time to pause. It is one of the more melodic, chill tracks. Maybe a bit of a throwback to his 808s album?

I’m in It: This track starts is weird in that it is minimalistic, yet has this bounce to it. Did he just say “put my first in her like a civil rights sign”? Umm, eww.

Blood on the Leaves: I love the sample used reminds me of Monica’s “IF you were the Girl” This song goes hard and might just fuck up your speakers. This is a standout track for me. It has the banging track and fun, quotable lyrics

Guilt Trip: I love this track as it has an almost ethereal feel to it. I think Kid Cudi was a good choice to guest on this.

Send it Up: There’s pretty much an alarm going off in the background of this song the whole time yet it’s not annoying. “We can send this bitch up it can’t go down” is as close to a hook as you are really going to get on this album.

Bound 2: This has the feeling of an old Kanye track. This time around, it still feels a bit more stripped down than old Ye. It has an old school sounding sample which is what became Kanye’s signature.


So after hearing this album about times now I am still hearing new things that I haven’t heard before. I LOVE that. It’s different and far from radio friendly. Typically I like songs that I can sing along to or be in a club yelling along drunkenly to. Yeezus doesn’t really give us that. Instead, it gives us something a bit more forward thinking and artistic. I say artistic, not because I think this is Kanye at his lyrical best. I say it because he is doing what artists should do: create art that makes them happy and that they think makes the world a more interesting place. Kanye’s sound is evolving to something that feels a bit more minimalistic than we are accustomed to. I suppose it is a nice balance to a man whose personality and ego continue to grow more and more over the tp. Overall, I think this is a great effort that is well produced and feels cohesive. It should be interesting to see how it is received by the masses.

Dates from Hell: How to NOT Have a One Night Stand



I’m sure that by now you all know the saying “The straw that broke the camel’s back” If you don’t then you are dumb. Real dumb. Anyway, in my experience I have found it to be more like “The shot that made me make poor life choices” I know I’m not the only one who has been out having a normal night out of fun and then that one drink/shot comes around and things go left. Like ALL the way left. Then you wake up pantless at 3:30a with Mariah Carey blasting on your stereo. Is that just me? Whatever. You just don’t want to admit to it. Thankfully my girl, Rebecca* has no trouble keeping it real with me. (even when it’s REAL messy)

So Rebecca is a 30 something woman who is kind of new to a major metropolitan city. She is on the fast track at work and things are looking up for her career wise. Now she is able to focus on building up her social life. So this past weekend, after work Rebecca goes out with her girlfriend and her gay friend. They are having drinks and enjoying one another’s company when Rebecca sees this cool phone and asks this guy about it. This leads them talking and flirting. Apparently the guy ends up being hot as hell and from South America. See, when I talk to strangers in a bar about something they have that I like, they end up being creepy and very local. Anyway, Rebecca was about to wrap up the conversation after the hot South American, who I shall call Alejandro from now on, mentioned his girlfriend back home.
Thankfully for the purpose of this story, the girlfriend and gay friend weren’t trying to let the fun stop, so they ordered a ridiculously oversized drink for Rebecca and Alejandro to share and the night started to heat up. They ended up going to a gay bar and having fun. They danced the night away and at some point someone thought it’d be a great idea to go a tequila bar for shots. This tequila shot was the final straw.
The two wing people went their separate ways, leaving Rebecca and Alejandro alone. By this point the gf back home was forgotten and the couple was on their way to Alejandro’s hotel. They were about to do what two drunk, attractive adults are prone to do when Rebecca had that all too familiar rumbling. She got up and proceeded to pray to the porcelain gods. Unlike me, Rebecca is not trained in the ways of the ninja and didn’t plan an escape so she ended up washing her mouth out and sleeping over.
The next morning Alejandro had to leave because he had an early flight. That’s what Rebecca told me, but I’m guessing her didn’t want to sleep with a girl who puked. Those are just my zesty two cents. Anyway, so he got up and showered and she slept in a bit longer. This, ladies and gentleman is a rookie mistake. Why prolong your walk of shame? Get out before the sun comes up is my mantra that has gotten me this far. Anyway, Rebecca had a last bathroom stop before leaving the hotel and heading home.

It wasn’t until she got downstairs and the door was VERY locked, that she realized that she had left her key in the room on the dresser. Damn, Gina! At this point Rebecca is over the whole situation. She puked and ruined her chance of getting with a hot South American and now she was locked out of her apartment. She walks up to the desk agent (mind you she still has on last night’s clothes and in my head she looks a hot ass mess) and explains that she met a guy in the bar last night and went home with him and now has her key in his room. The desk clerk is NOT discreet in the least (I mean, why be so for what could very well be a high priced call girl) and the next thing Rebecca knows, the whole world is hearing her business. They ask for Alejandro’s last name but Rebecca doesn’t know this, which makes it look even shadier! This, ladies and zestlemen, is why when you meet someone, you get his/her FULL name.

Rebecca ended up getting her key and went on her merry way. I’m guessing all of this foolishness MIGHT have been avoided if people had said a simple “no” to the idea of taking shots of tequila after a long night of drinking. You can take this however you choose. Some may just avoid the tequila. I say that it should be embraced, just be mindful of where you put your keys and get a last name. I mean really, only hookers don’t ask last names.

*names have been changed to protect the busy and whorey.

Album Review: Kelly Rowland: Talk a Good Game





So I really thought that Beyonce would have had an album by now. Hell even a single would have been nice. I never would have guessed that Kelly and Michelle are dropping new music before a Beyonce who is on tour. Anyway, it’s pretty bogus to start a review of Kelly Rowland’s new album by talking about someone whose shadow she seems to be placed in frequently. My bad.

Ok, so when Kelly first started dropping singles I got nervous. Her last album didn’t burn up charts the way people thought after her hot single, “Motivation” Her follow up single was “Ice” which followed the same formula as “Motivation” even down to the Lil Wayne cameo. Her dates kept on getting pushed around and she didn’t even have a title. I seriously thought she was on some Ciara foolishness. Kelly didn’t give up and just chugged along with her next single “Kisses Down Low” She even made a video for it, but the song didn’t do anything. Oh shit. Next up was “Dirty Laundry” which got a LOT of attention. It chronicled her domestic abuse as well resentment for Bey. It was pretty deep and got people talking about her. Shortly afterwards, she signed up to be on X Factor and announced a release date.

Some thoughts on Kelendria’s “Talk a Good Game”

Freak: I like the way the album starts out. The track is sexy and slinky. Kelly sings “Everybody’s somebody’s freak” I never really thought of it. Thanks, girl!
Kisses Down Low: This was produced by Mike Will made it, who is the it producer right. He did Rihana’s “Pour It Up” and Miley’s “ We can’t stop”, both of which are doing well on the charts. This song actually had to grow on me. It’s a cute song and is about oral sex. Why I wasn’t on board to begin with is beyond me.

Gone: This song features Wiz Khalifa and sample Joni Mitchell. The song is basically telling someone to piss off. I love a good break up joint and I like it even more when it has a bit of knock to it. The best line of the song “You’re dinner waiting down the street, and you can have it your way” It just makes me laugh that she’s sending his ass to BK for dinner. Wiz delivers a forgettable rap and still sounds high as hell.

Talk a Good Game: The song is sexy and in a great groove and then Kevin Cossom comes through and it gets a bit more crunk. I’m still undecided how I feel about his feature on this. I also hate that she says “mines”

Down on Love: the lyrics are in line with the title. It’s a standard breakup song but I like the breezy feel the track has.


Dirty Laundry: The track sounds like a 90s throwback to R Kelly or one of his protégés like Sparkle. The lyrics feel deeply personal which is odd since she didn’t even write the song. (The Dream did) I like the honesty of the song. I have always wondered how it felt to be a victim of Beyonceitis and it’s great to get a glimpse of that life.

You Changed: After airing her dirty laundry, she brings Beyonce and Michelle on this track. It kind of sounds like the track “Girl” from Destiny Fulfilled. This feels like three artists on a track, not Destiny’s Child. Yet again Kelly graces us with a kiss my ass and then kick rocks track.

I Remember: This is a light track that makes me think of Drake’s “Take Care” for some reason.

Red Wine: This song sounds like a 90s throwback. Usually I’d mean that as a good thing, but this is pretty unremarkable. Not bad, just not great.

This is Love: This has a very Keri Hilson feel to it. I like Keri, so I like the delivery of the song.

Street Life: I LOVE this song. Pharrell isgiving us early 2000s Neptune’s sound. It’s funky and has a bunch of soul to it. Lyrically it’s not impressive. Here the track is the star and Kelly doesn’t get in the way of it.

Stand in Front of Me: This song sounds like it’s from a different era. She sounds sweet on it, but it kind of feels gimmicky.

Sky Walker: This song features The Dream and is a typical Dream slow jam. It has explicit lyrics and her sounding a bit nasal like he does at times. He does more of a rap than really sings.

Put Your Name on It: I like this slow jam and her vocals sound strong. This is a song that you can make babies to.
#1: Another breakup song. I like the lyrics “If I’m not your number one, then you better call number two” No one likes to be a back burner bitch and Kelly is singing a song reminding people of that fact! Finally.


Overall this is a solid R&B album. I don’t know if this is the best idea career wise as people aren’t really lining up to pay for R&B albums anymore. I have always liked her uptempo/dance tracks and thought she should stay in that lane. That way she could avoid the Beyonce comparisons and really stand out on her own. I do think that with “Talk a Good Game” Kelly can stand out. She seems to have finally found her lane in R&B. Now let’s see if people actually want to hear the sound upon which she has settled.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

New Music: Mariah & Miguel : #Beautiful



Can we just PLEASE take a moment to discuss Mariah Carey’s new single #Beautiful. Typically I wouldn’t give in to using the hashtag, but it’s Mariah, Dahhling! I have to! Before it even dropped, people were saying that it was classic Mariah. I hate hearing a ton of buzz on a song before it drops as it usually kind of messes up the experience of just hearing it and making your own opinion regarding it. I got super nervous when she released a promo clip that featured a sparse guitar and creepy giggling.

It starts out with a simple guitar line. Miguel starts the song off. The track builds with more instruments and a lot of Mariah harmonies in the backround. Miguel gives an airy delivery that goes along perfectly with the track which feels breezy and summery to me.
Mariah comes in halfway into the song. I am glad to tell everyone that she is using her big girl voice and not whispering during her verses. She actually does a good job showcasingthe many facets of her voice. We get some head voice, some whistle register and some creepy giggling. Everyone can be happy and shut the hell up now!

The song is short and sweet coming in 3:22. I like that aspect of it. I hate when good songs overstay their welcome. I think Miguel was a wise choice. Yes, he’s having a moment now and people love him and his well layed hair, BUT vocally the two blend nicely. I was a bit concerned at why she would let Miguel start off the song. She let Rick Ross and Meek Mill do the same on her last single and it felt like she was a guest on her own song. It wasn’t until I gave it a few listens that I understood that Mariah is ALL over this track at any given moment. She is constantly harmonizing and ad libbing throughout. . To be honest, I didn’t notice it until this listen. They are subtle but add a lot of character to the track. Say what you want about Mariah (actually don’t. I don’t have space for non Lambs up in here. Be gone, hater!) but the woman knows music. She holds her own on the track as a true diva would.

I don’t know if radio will pick this up as it isn’t autotuned to death, talking about strippers or shitty. Either way, I think Mariah did right by us on this one, so I can’t be upset. Another number one to shut Nicki Minaj the hell up would be #beautiful though… (get it? It’s a play on the title of the song)




Album Review: The Great Gatsby Soundtrack



Ok, so I’m a bit embarrassed that I have never read The Great Gatsby. I like to fancy myself as cultured and shit, so one would naturally assume that I would be familiar with the story. You know that when you assume something you typically fuck it up. That’s not how the saying goes, but this is my blog so I do what I want.

Anyway, I am stoked for the movie after seeing the trailer. When I saw the lineup for the soundtrack I got a musical boner. Beyonce covering Amy Winehouse?! Emeli covering Beyonce?! A New Jay Z song? Just typing that made my heart skip; thank God I am sitting as I type this. I’ve got to live with the soundtrack for the better part of this morning and here is a quick rundown

100 $ Bill- Jay Z: The production kind of has a “Watch the Throne” vibe to it. There is a screwed sampl e on it which Jay and Bey seem to love these days. I like the song. Jay’s delivery is aggressive and has some great one liners.

Back to Black- Beyonce and Andre 3000: This is one of my all time favourite Amy WInehouse songs. I like to sit at home, drink wine with the lights off and sing along while thinking of past loves. Wait, that might have been too much info… Anyway, the song starts out with Andre half singing/talking over a sparse, pulsating beat. He actually does cool things with his delivery. Beyonce comes up next. She sings her part in a slinky fashion that one might not expect given her powerhouse vocals. I like it though, as sometimes restraint can show one’s talent just as much as screaming and doing a bunch of runs. Yes, I am talking to you, Xtina.

Bang Bang- will.i.am Leave it to Will to mash up some 20’s sounding music with his robo/fist pump sound that he has been loving as of late. I don’t know who the girl on the hook is, but she sounds like a discount version of Fergie. Hell, it might even be Fergie. The song, like most of his other works gets stuck in my head and I hate to enjoy it as much as I want. Apparently the song borrows HEAVILY from another song, Epic.

A Little Party Never Killed Nobody-Fergie, Q Tip, Goon Rock: This is a VERY LMFAO type track. Lyrically there isn’t much to it but Fergie repeating the song title. She sounds like she’s stuffed up and talking on a prison phone (not that I know firsthand) but the effect helps give the song an oldtime feel to it. Q Tip’s rap is forgettable. No, I literally forgot any comments I had about it. Oh well. I’m glad to have Fergie back.

Young and Beautiful- Lana Del Rey: This song is beautiful and she’s her characteristically eerie sounding self. The track is dramatic and fits her voice perfectly. It will haunt you for at least 48 seconds after it ends.

Love is the Drug-Brian Ferry and his orchestra: This song sounds like what I would expect for the soundtrack in a movie like The Great Gatsby. Not bad, but not something that I would probably want to listen to many times.

Over the Love-Florence + The Machine : Ok, so now it’s Flo’s turn to give her very own dramatic and haunting song. I think lyrically, her song is stronger than Lana’s, but that’s just my opinion. Her voice is stellar on this song.

Where the Wind Blows- Coco O. of Quadron: I’m not sure who Coco O. or what a Quadron is, but she has an interesting voice. It has a nasal, Amy WInehouse quality to it. She doesn’t sound like she hits the Jack and Marlboros nearly as much as Amy did. (Rest her soul) I haven’t decided whether the pounding on the piano that serves as bulk of the track is fun and bouncy or just fucking annoying.

Crazy in Love-Emeli Sande: OH YES SHE DID. Ballsy. I like her very much as an artist and I’m glad to see her getting shine. Her voice sounds good, but I really don’t get the same level of crazy that I get when Beyonce sings it. Fun remix that makes me want to do the Charleston. Note to self: Learn how to do the Charleston.

Together- The xx: Pretty track, I just wished the vocals weren’t so muddled. I have no idea what he is saying and I feel like an old grandma. “what?! What’s he saying?! Turn up the radio!!” If what he is saying is anything like what the girl says that I’m guessing it’s chock full of raw emotion cunty dramacality.

Hearts a Mess-Gotye: Very cool track that is VERY Gotye. If you like him you’ll like the song. If you don’ t like him then you’re not cool in the least.

Love is Blindness-Jack White: This man is hella talented. Allegedly. I don’t know as I didn’t really follow him that closely when he was a White Stripe and followed even less closely when he struck out solo. People seem to love him. I really do enjoy this track. His vocals and screaming really take the song over the top (in a good way) who knew that someone so sickly looking could have such a big voice?

Into the Past-Nero: I’m not a huge fan of this song. It feels a bit overproduced for my liking.

Kill and Run-Sia: It’s just Sia and a piano on this. Of course she comes with good lyrics and her signature vocals. Oh wait, I lied. Some sweeping strings have come in and have now propelled this song to even new heights of dramacality. I imagine Pink flying above the audience while singing a song like this.

I think overall the soundtrack is solid. I’m curious to see how all of these songs fit into the movie. If I’m not mistaken Jay Z produced this. His choice of artists shows that he knows some things. He could have done what people would expect from him, but he didn’t and it ends up working well for him. Now can he PLEASE tell wifey to drop that album before I have to raise my voice?! Kidding. I would never raise my voice to Beyonce as I fear the wrath of Solange and Mama Tina. Furthermore, you and I BOTH know Jay can’t tell Bey a DAMN thing. Who run the world?! Not you Jay. :(

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Happy Birthday Mariah Carey!




So today is Mariah NoMiddlename Carey’s birthday. Well it’s technically her birthday, but she stopped celebrating those back in her twenties. I think now she just has festive anniversaries. I am celebrating by drinking. I am alone and it’s slightly trending towards alcoholism, but Mariah likes a flute or 7 of bubbly every once in awhile, so I thought I’d play the part. I was plum out of champagne, so I made myself a soju/shochu (it’s half the calories of vodka and Asian—I’m so fucking trendy) cocktail and took that shit to the head!

Tonight I want to just stop for a moment and give Mariah some credit. I don’t think people really remember what a musical force this woman is. She is one of the top selling artists of all time. ALL TIME people! She set records for the most number one singles by a solo artist. She was in “Precious” and wasn’t glamourous in the least. She has (had?) a 5 octave range and a whistle register that is NOT to be fucked with. Basically she’s a big deal. She’s not in a tizzy over the Beyonce song “Bow Down” as she understands that Bey is talking to basic bitches and haters, not to people that are actually important. Plus I’m certain that Mariah exists on her own planet and doesn’t great radio reception out there, so she’s probably never even heard the track.
I decided tonight to dust off her first big hit, “Vision of Love” and I watched the video. Her hair was kind of eh and she wore a basic black dress. Missing was the drama, fans and show for which the Mariah of today is known. I read some of the comments on Youtube and people were yearning for those days. Really? The woman could sing but she was really boring. She churned out hit after hit but that plain Jane, girl next door thing started to get a bit old.

Things got REAL interesting when she started to break from Tommy Mottola. Her dresses go shorter and her stilettos grew taller. Her hair got better and she basically started to fully own being a diva. The voice was there the whole time, now she had the attitude and confidence to go along with it. I started to really like her even more at this point. I think it might have been in reaction to the growing number of people who were upset that she was changing her look and sound. I have always been one to champion the cause of the underdog/forgotten/people with hella issues. Don’t believe me, check my volunteering record or the people I’ve dated.
We all know that Mariah had the fall RIGHT before September 11th. Coincidence? Probably. She managed to bounce back and have a huge album. Well not at first, but after the album Glitter and Charmbracelet, she stopped fucking around and put out The Emancipation of Mimi. It was and still is a really solid album.

Recently she has been on American Idol. I would like to talk about it, but I haven’t given a damn about that show since Kelly Clarkson. I know that she is probably amazing and throwing shade at Nicki whenever possible, so even I am shocked that I haven’t tuned in. Her body has been on point as of late (I attribute that to young penis) and she seems genuinely happy with her husband and twins. I know that she’s in the studio and I’m really excited to hear what she has to offer. Mariah is someone that I think is over the top and ridiculous. I think it’s a joke and that she doesn’t take herself that seriously. She is super talented and often misunderstood; this is why we are soul mates. Well that, and we both love to wave our hands around in slow motion.

I could really go on about Mariah for a few hundred more pages, but I won’t. I have to make another cocktail. I mean, it’s what Mariah would want. What Mariah wants, Mariah GETS.




Has anyone else ever noticed how she blinks to the beat around the 11 second mark? GENIUS.

Monday, March 18, 2013

New Music: Beyonce: "Bow Down/I Been On"



So late last year, Rihanna started selling tickets for her world tour. I didn’t buy tickets as it was a tour to support her unreleased album. I know I am a Rihanna fan, but what if I didn’t like the CD? Rih isn’t exactly known for dancing and performing as much as she is known for pouting, posing and pussy patting. I decided to pass and when I first heard “Unapologetic” I was glad I did. I have since grown to like the album, but I’m still not running out to buy overpriced tickets to see her.

Now, Beyonce went ahead and did the same damn thing. She performed at the Super Bowl and then announced a concert right after. She was allegedly going to premiere a new song but never did, leaving people in the dark about the new sound/direction of the CD. All she did was release a long commercial with her dressed all regal like and being fabulous to an eerie ass track that stayed with me for a long while after hearing it. Would you believe that I tried my damndest to buy tickets to see Beyonce perform what could amount to her worst CD ever? If you are shocked, then you clearly don’t know me. I would pay good money to hear that woman read my W-2 to me.

So yesterday Beyonce released some new music. I was starting to wonder what her plans were, as her tour kicks off in less than a month and she hadn’t released any music or videos. You know you are bad as hell when you can get people to pay a premium on blind faith. Beyonce made it clear with her last CD that she’s just gonna make the music she wants to and we will all have to deal with it. “Bow Down”/”I Been On” is unlike anything I’ve ever really heard from Bey. She is cussing and telling bitches to bow down. My heart leaps every single time that woman says a cuss word. She’s just being cocky. The beat sounds like it would have fit well on her husband’s “Watch the Throne” album (It was produced by the same producer of Niggas in Paris) and gets chopped and screwed. Apparently Justin and Beyonce are making it their goal to make chopped and screwed the hotness in mainstream music.

Is this track my all time fave? Nope. Am I excited by it? Hell yes. It’s different and I like to see people like Beyonce and Justin Timberlake step out of their comfort zones and try new things. I wish she would have sung on “I Been On” as that track is SICK. Then part of me thinks it’s kind of cool that she went left on that track. When I heard it, I thought she was going to go for another “Halo” or “Ava Maria” track but she married her operatic vocals in the backround to some grimey lyrics.
The rapping and shit talking will have people talking. Hell Keyshia Cole made it clear on Twitter that she isn’t a fan. She called Bey out for being “girls stick together!” one minute and being all “bow down bitches” the next. She has a point. I just don’t think it’s that good of one, but whatever. Everyone has an opinion, I just figured after Kelendria Rowland checked her for coming for Michelle Williams (the black one) she would have learned to keep her mouth shut. The Beyhive is NOT to be fucked with.

Did I really just write 600 words about ONE track? Damn I should probably invest this time and energy in learning a new language or something. Check out the song for yourself! Also can we just discuss the cover art?




Friday, March 1, 2013

BHM Day 29: Kanye West




Ok, so I do have a calendar and I am fully aware that TECHNICALLY BHM is over. I think it's garbage that BHM is the shortest month, so I have decided to stick it to the man and continue posting for a normal calendar month. Today I want to celebrate Kanye West. He's a producer, rapper, designer, and America's stunt queen and today we will give him the shine he knows he deserves!


Yeezy automatically earned points from me by repping Chicago. I fux with people who know what Harold's Chicken is all about. To this day I think that his first CD is a classic and I've been on board with him musically ever since. I truly think the man is a genius. I think that he's going to be the type of artist who we fully appreciate only after he is dead and gone. When I think of Kanye, I'm reminded of the Lauryn Hill line of "I say a muthafucka, so you ignant niggas hear me" Yes, he brags, boasts and uses foul language, but I think it's just to get our attention so he can get his greater message across. Listen to a Kanye track with good headphones and you can hear just how many layers of sound that he incorporates into his music. Then adding in his lyrics and the music is taken to a whole new level. I know I sound like I've been drinking the Yeezy Kool Aid, but I don't care. I think he's dope and if you've got a problem with it, feel free to kiss my ass!


Kanye has always been a well together man. His style has evolved since he's hit the scene and he's even wearing leather skirts and whatnot. To that, I say "get in where you git in, whore! Go on and TWIRL!" He dabbled in gym shoes and then put on a full fledged fashion show of women's designs. I can't recall any other rapper putting out a non urban/streetwear collection. It got panned by critics, but you gotta admire the man for trying. Now his new thing is wearing masks. He INSISTS on serving us mere mortals Scarecrow from Batman meets Phantom of the Opera. This is the part where we must deal.

I love Kanye's rants. Remember when he was talking about how Bush didn't care about Black people? That shit was so awkward. Then he went on and interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV speech and everyone made him out to be such a villain. He wasn't. The man was stating facts. Was his timing ill advised? HELL YES, but the truth is the truth. Now look, everyone is hating on Taylor left and right. Kanye was a pioneer in the hate game. I think one of his best rants was about his art. He is sensitive about his art. I think the quote was "I may be flawed, but my music is perfect" I think that says so much. Yes, he's extra and a bit much, but at the end of the day he makes great music and is passionate about it which is so rare these days.

Kanye has recently impregnated Kim Kardashian. Screw the Grammy awards and critical acclaim, fatherhood might end up being his greatest achievement. I have no doubt that he'll be a great dad. I feel like he's a great godmother (yes, I said mother.)to Blue Ivy already. We all need to just lift him up at our next prayer circle so that Brother Kanye can turn that ho into a housewive and NOT just a baby mama. Good luck with that Kanye!





you all probably thought I was going to go the Gold Digger route didn't you? Too easy. Far too easy.

BHM Day 28: Kid 'N Play






I know that people think they Diddy, Jennifer Hudson and Beyonce are doing something special by being triple threats, but I'm here to let you know that they didn't pioneer black celebrities wearing multiple hats. You know who did? Of course not, you ignant as hell! Kid 'n Play don't get the credit that they deserve.

They released 3 gold albums. If you asked me to hum one of their hits you'd be waiting for a long ass time. The duo wasn't happy just collecting those checks from music, so they branched into movies. They starred in a few House Party movies which ultimately lead to America being introduced to Martin Lawrence (thanks guys!) and Tisha Campbell (umm.. thanks again... *side eye*) Did you know that "House Party" was originally written with Fresh Prince (you may know him know as Will "I'm not gay" Smith) and DJ Jazzy(Hey, I matter too!) Jeff? Probably not as I know tons of shit that people don't know.

Kid 'n Play then moved to the small screen. They had their own cartoon on Saturday morning. That's pretty impressive as I can only remember Hammer having one. It was pretty dumb but I still watched it. The things I do to support black people! THe last time I heard from either member was on one of those "I love the 90s" shows. Kid (the light one) looked REAL aged and it was a mind blow as I imagined those two being forever young.


To help round out their triple threatedness, the duo also has a dance and hairstyle named after them. Like Beyonce is bad, but she doesn't haven't her dance (yet) Rihanna has her signature pussy pat move, but doesn't have a hairstyle of her own. Kid 'n Play managed to do both. Because they wouldn't settle for being a rap group whose music I would soon forget, I must shine my BHM spotlight on the group Kid 'n Play.

Anyone else feel like doing the Kid 'n Play?!



Thursday, February 28, 2013

BHM Day 27: Traci Bingham




I never saw an episode of Baywatch a day in my life. It never really appealed to me. I wasn't really the beach type and couldn't really relate to the stories that I assume they would talk about. I doubt I'm the only Black person to feel this way, as I feel like "Baywatch" wasn't really watched by many Black people. Today I will shine the BHM light on one of the few Black people to appear on the show,Traci Bingham.


To be honest, I was never really a fan of Traci. She always came off as really ditzy. Like my mum always says, "I can't stand a silly bitch" I totally get it. I used to kind of hate that she played into the bimbo thing so well. Why couldn't she stand up as a sexy, SMART woman?! WHY?! I guess that's when I should have known I was gay. When one is watching a Baywatch beauty and can only wonder why she is not living up to her full potential, that may be a good time to question some things.

Moving along. So BHM Spotlight is not about hating or putting down anyone. I have 11 other months to be hateful! Traci Bingham broke new ground. I mean, people STILL to this day are shocked to hear that not only can I swim, but I was on a team. Here Traci is saving white people from drowning in water! Pioneer! Also, she became a sex symbol. She graced the pages of Playboy and was pretty much the chocolate version of Pamela Anderson. To be able to hold her own on a show surrounded by other buxom babes speaks to her ability to spread cocoa curiosity.

Today, I salute sister Bingham and her flotation devices.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

BHM Day 26: Men With SERIOUS Swag



When people are asked to think of attractive Black men, they often first go to the Taye Diggs, Columbus Shorts, Ian Blakes and Denzels of the world. Today I am going to shine the BHM light on the non traditional Black men that people find attractive.Better yet, let's just call it men with SERIOUS swag, as that sounds nicer.

First, let's talk about Cee Lo Green. He gained popularity as a member of Goodie Mob and then crossed over as a member of Gnarls Barkley. Cee Lo went on to find success as a solo artist. The man wrote and produced "Don't Cha" for PCD. If that's not talent, then I don't know what is. He was a judge on "The Voice" and people got to see even more of his over the top personality. The audience seemed to fall in love with him. But let's just be real for a moment: the man looks like a penis, no? The best part about him is he doesn't seem to care. He named his last album "Lady Killer" Clearly you can't tell this man a damn thing! That's what I'm talking about!




Next up, let's talk about Rick Ross. The man is the go to man for rap hits and has seen a large amount of crossover success. You know you are in a good place when veterans like Diddy and Mariah are coming to you for street cred. But once again, let's get real: the man has clearly never done a situp in his life and probably hasn't seen his penis since the early 90s. That would stop most men from being shirtless. Rick Ross is NOT most men. He is all "you will look at my titties and you will LOVE them!" He is confident in his curves and for that we must salute him (or at least motorboat him)





Last up: Lil Wayne. He has been on the rap scene for quite some time now, but recently has seen his popularity grow up. He has people in the streets AND the suburbs buying his music (well people in the streets usually are getting that bootleg for free.99, but you know what I mean!) which is the best way to make money and rule the charts. His style has been copied by many and his co sign helped launch the careers of Drake and Nicki Minaj. But for real though...the man looks like an anorexic predator. I throw up a little each time I hear some girl talking about some "ohh Weezy could get it!" That's just nasty! Apparently he seems to do ok in the dickdown department as he has about 234234234 kids with 2342342 baby mamas. Y'all, he smashed Lauren London. IF you don't know who she is, Google her! The fact that Ms. London allowed Weezy penis near her kitty box deserves a round of applause.

I really dislike the term swag as I feel like it's just played out. In the case of these three men, I think that swag is the perfect word to describe their appeal. Sure they are all rich (which we all knows helps) but these men can't be told that they aren't the shit. The believe they can steal your girl and that confidence is what will get them laid. These men give men all around the world hope that they too can get laid. For being such inspirations let us shine our BHM light upon these "unconvential hotties"

BHM Day 25: En Vogue




Today we are in a girl group lull which kind of sucks since I LOVE a good girl group. Sorry, I’m not here for the Saturdays or any other British girl group. I’m looking for some R&B/Pop the likes of Destiny’s Child or TLC. OR, I could take it back to En Vogue. Yes, I’m gonna do that. Today we’re shining the BHM light on En Vogue.

The group started out as 4 and ended up at 3 (kinda like Destiny’s Child) and had a string of hits along the way. They came along and blended church harmonies with pop/R&B grooves. On top of that, they brought a level of class and sex appeal. They were sexy but never raunchy. They didn’t have to be, as they had amazing voices.

I could really go on about them and their influences but it’s getting late and I’m tired. Hell, I really wanted to give them today’s BHM spotlight solely based on the breakdown in this song:


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

BHM Day 24: Harlem Shake (The Original One)

Harlem is having a great little run right now. People are talking about it left and right all because of this Harlem Shake craze that has America by the balls. The new Harlem Shake has nothing to do with the original, so I'm not even sure why it's called the Harlem Shake, but whatever. I hope you weren't under the impression that I was going to do a BHM spotlight on a dance that has nothing to do with Harlem. If you were, you are dumb. So dumb. For real.

The original Harlem Shake was started in 1981 and is a dance that people from Harlem do NOT take lightly. I first came across the Harlem Shake when Diddy introduced me to it. Yes, I'm lame. Sorry, that Diddy had to put me up on some new-new, but hey, I'm from the MidWest. Many Harlem Natives are sick and tired of this New Harlem Shake and are out to set the record straight. It's pretty cool seeing some sort of tradition carried on. Plus, these kids are dope as hell. I might have to do my part to bring the original back to it's former glory.

Monday, February 25, 2013

BHM Day 23: Solange Knowles





So many people don’t know that Beyonce has a sister who has not one but THREE albums out. (Well two albums and an EP) Solange Piaget Knowles is the younger, often over looked sister who seems to finally have found her stride. For that, I think she is deserving of today’s BHM spotlight. I mean, one can’t be THAT Beyonce adjacent and NOT get some shine.

When Solo first hit the scene, she came out styled very Rastafarian and it seemed pretty odd. Her first CD, “Solo Star” was actually decent. I don’t think many people other than me and her mama actually bought it. Fun fact: Solange was actually supposed to be in a group with Ashlee Simpson at one point. I couldn’t have made that shit up if I tried. Random as hell, but true.

Most artists who flop like Solo don’t get a second chance, but Beyonce’s sister did. She put out Sol-Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams and actually got some critical praise for her single “I Decided” It seemed like she was poised to take her rightful place and the heir to Bey’s throne. Then that CD flopped and I thought it was over for Solo and singing. She then turned to DJ’ing which annoyed me as it seems to be what everyone was doing. It turned out that she wasn’t half bad at it thought. Who knew?!

It was around this time that I started to see a different side of Solo. She went from being sweet and media trained to ratchet as hell. I LOVED seeing it. She would go on social media and threaten to push back the wig of anyone who tried to come for her sister. She went on a Fox News program and the first words out of her mouth were PURE SHADE. Basically Solo just let it be known that Beyonce was the one who had to pretend to care and give fucks, but without that level of fame she was free to meet you in the parking lot and whip your ass. Damn, I love this woman.

Recently, Solange has become quite the fashionista. She is constantly photographed wearing up and coming designers and being right on trend. She’s back to making music and seems to have found her calling: Being to hipsters what Beyonce is to the masses. I think it’s great to see her finally find her lane and be able to exist as more than Beyonce’s sister/stunt double. Ok, I don’t know if she was ever Bey’s stunt double, but that’s totally some shit I could see Matthew Knowles putting her up to.

I have always freaking loved this song:

BHM Day 22: Accountants




Today’s BHM spotlight is gonna shine brightly upon accountants. Black accountants? Sure, whynot! I am actually shining this light on the whole profession of accounting because wealthy black folks need to learn how to stay wealthy. I know that somewhere in my tens and tens of readers there Is a black celebrity out there that will find some use from today’s BHM spotlight.

Black folks going broke isn’t really new. I think Black folks often feel that pressure to stay fresh to death and I’m working out my hypothesis about it being in our DNA. When I was growing up, I remember hearing when MC Hammer went from having 30 million to basically being flat broke. People were so amazed that something like that could happen so fast. Toni Braxton followed suit and filed bankruptcy not once but twice. The hell? I mean, maybe the first time she missed Hammer’s Behind the Music” but two times? Damn, son!
Beyond spending too much money, it seems like a ridiculous amount of black celebrities find themselves in trouble with the IRS. How people like Chris Tucker and Lauryn Hill think it’s ok to not pay taxes is beyond me. I make a fraction of these people and freak the F out every year during tax season because I’m afraid of going to jail. I mean, people like me aren’t built for jails. I’m tall and need lots of space. Plus, have you people seen me? They’d be trading me for cases of Newports in NO time. OK, so this just became about me. Ugh. Sorry.

Black celebrities, I need you to listen up: HIRE ACCOUNTANTS. The same way you go out and find a good jeweler and car customizer, I really need you to go out and find someone who will ensure that you won’t have to go on a reality show just to make ends meet. We all know who does these shows for the money and it’s NEVER a good look. You’ve worked hard to get your money, so why not do everything you can to protect it? I really need the stories of people like Mary J. Blige going broke to end. You’ve all been put on notice and have no excuse any longer. You’re welcome.




Thursday, February 21, 2013

BHM Day 21: Dawn Richard




Danity Kane was formed on a season of MTV’s “Making the Band” We got to follow the whole process of selecting the 5 members from open auditions and ultimately saw them get broken up by Diddy. I was heartbroken, as I REALLY loved the group. IT seemed so odd, as the group had just put out their sophomore CD and it seemed as if they were poised to be a wildly successful group. One of the members Dawn Richard happens to be the recipient of today’s BHM spotlight.

When she was in the group, I really didn’t care for Dawn. She was a great dancer, but I never really cared for her tone or her style. She was a bit boring when contrasted with her band mates like Aubrey or D. Woods. In later seasons of MTB, I grew to respect her. She seemed like she was 1) just happy to be in a successful group and collecting a check 2) a hard worker and 3) not an ego driven bitch (Hey Aubrey!)

Diddy apparently picked up on what I did and put her in his group, Dirty Money. I think they released one of the best CDs of that year, but they failed to be HUGE. They disbanded and all did their own things. Kaleena went back to being popular in Russia. Diddy went back to peddling Ciroc and fondling Cassie’s newly purchased titty balls. Dawn went to the studio and went into BEAST mode.

To be honest, I always felt like Dawn was great in groups and not much of a solo artist. I was so wrong. She somehow managed to find her own lane and started her own movement. She went the independent route which is NOT easy by any means and put out compelling songs and videos that kept people interested. I would have never pegged her to be the DK member to be the most relevant musically post DK.

Dawn just released a CD, “Goldenheart” which is actually dope as hell. It flows together and takes us back to the days when albums were cohesive works of art and not just a bunch of singles thrown together. Dawn is proof positive that hard work and talent can and will win out in the end. Brava girl, keep doing your thing!



She deserves the BHM spotlight for the Heel-Toe at 4:39 IN STILETTOS. Come on now!


BHM Day 20: Steve Urkel




Today’s BHM has me feeling kind of conflicted. On one hand he played a character on TV that we had never seen. He became a pop culture icon at the height of his show’s popularity. On the other hand, when people THOUGHT they were being funny, they would call me this person’s name. Who do I speak of? Taye Diggs? No! Tyson Beckford? His tiny ass wishes! I speak of Jaleel White A.K.A. Steve Urkel.

Urkel quickly became the standout star of the show “Family Matters” The show itself was big, as it was a show based on a Black family that was a little more middle class than America had seen with “The Cosby Show” The characters showed America that there could be healthy two parent Black households with smart, well adjusted children. Somehow Urkel, the neighbourhood geek became an American obsession. He had one liners like “Did I do that?” and had an unmistakable style and voice. Hell, the boy even had his own doll. Oddly enough my brother (who was 11 years older than me) owned one of said dolls.
The fact that Urkel was able to win over the hearts and minds of Americans (even those in the flat states) speaks volumes. He wasn’t the most attractive, or coolest. He wasn’t someone you aspired to be, but you couldn’t help but love the little bastard. I personally feel like Urkel didn’t get enough respect. He appeared on Full House, had a high rated show on TGIF (Which was the shit, mind you) and even played his own cousin, Myrtle as well as a cooler version of himself (Stefan Urkal) The man was hustling before we had a name for it! Give a bitch an Emmy already!

I see that Jaleel White is now hosting a show, and I’m proud that he somehow survived being a child star without turning to drugs (like his co star who played Judy) or porn (also like his co star who played Judy). Urkel, keep on making us proud!

If you’ve forgotten how to do the Urkel, here’s a refresher course:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

BHM Day 19: Sweet Brown



If you tell me you're not jealous of Shemar Moore in the above photo, I'mma call you a damn liar!



So I was going to really spend today talking about a historical Black leader of the community who helped make the world a better place. I then, realized that I didn’t feel like doing any research and one phrase came to mind: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” It was at that point that I was like “Duh, talk about the American treasure known simply as Sweet Brown” Don’t you just love when great things come to you?

If you don’t know who Sweet Brown is, you are 1) living under a rock and 2) not living at all. She is a magical being who came to us in a viral video, where she told her story of going out for a cold pop and coming across flames. FLAMES I SAY! The way in which she tells the story is just precious. Her face lights up and she really takes you back to her complex and you can actually smell the smoke. She is a wordsmith, not unlike the great Maya Angelou.
Beyond her way with words, Sweet Brown has also helped talk about the important of issue. Before her , no one had time for it (get it?) but she brought national exposure to this super unimportant matter. Talk about using one’s celebrity for good! I sure hope Kim Kardashian’s trifling ass is paying attention.

The Sweet Brown video is old as hell, yet she has managed to stretch out her 15 minutes of fame. She could have gone the way of that sweet, sweet zestleman, Antoine Dodson, but she has decided to stick around. Can someone please cue up Beyonce’s “I Was Here”? Truthfully I think she just happened to luck into a phrase that just applies so often in people’s everyday life.


Example:
Boss Lady: Ian, can you please go through those email I sent you to find that one file whose name I can’t remember right now?
Ian: Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Or

Restaurant patron on a busy Friday night: Can you please go through your wine list and tell me about every single offering?!

Bitchy server who has bigger and better tipping tables: Girl, ain’t nobody got time for that!

See, it really does work for just about anyone at any time. With just six simple words Sweet Brown has found a way to unite the masses. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or your economic status, her words bond people. BHM is all about unity and today BHM is about Sweet Brown.

You know you’ve seen it, but you know you can’t stop watching it:





Oh, and Beyonce likes her too:


Monday, February 18, 2013

BHM Day 18: Condoleezza Rice




Condoleeza Rice may not be a huge fixture on the political scene anymore, but I think people have forgotten what a huge force she was. Today that foolishness stops! BHM spotlight, DO YOUR THING! Condi, today is your day and people will know that you are a bad broad. You’re welcome.

I’m not quite sure why, but I’ve always been fascinated by Condoleezza Rice. Ok, I get it: first African American Secretary of State, first female National Security Advisor, She advised on the dissolution of the Soviet Union. Enough! We get it. She’s done a bunch of groundbreaking things. I’m just impressed by a black woman being a republican. I kid.

I think for me, my fascination lies in her restraint. I never really felt like I knew much about her. It seemed as if playing classical piano was her way of letting her hair down and that just didn't really satisfy me. I always imagined her being hella sassy and shooting straight from the hip. If anyone knows her to be any different, I beg you to shut the fuck up and not ruin my fantasy.

Since Condoleezza gave the youth something to which they could aspire you have to celebrate that. It doesn’t matter her political affiliations. In this day and age when people look to the likes of Natalie Nunn, it’s nice to see an educated woman doing things for herself. With that being said, I will give a kidney to the first person who can send video of her doing the Harlem Shake. Hell, I’d just like to see her do a soulful wobble at a wedding.


BHM Day 17: Jamie Foxx




I was super proud of getting all caught up on my BHM posts and then my internet went out and I couldn’t post. I don’t want to point any fingers, but I’m thinking the MAN had something to do with it. (well him, or my landlady who knows NOTHING about anything) I will not be silenced and my BHM spotlight will shine BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND.

Today I’m going to give props to Jamie Foxx. Who would have known that he would have blown up like he has judging from his days on “In Living Color”? I certainly did not. I mean, he was funny doing Wanda, but I was never his biggest fan. Apparently I was alone on this one, as he soon landed his own show. It was mildly funny but kind of borrowed heavily from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He did come up with his own unique hand in the face with a screeching sound movement that became all the rage.
Jamie did “Ray” and earned tons of accolades. He was a legit actor. So like any great actor before him (DeNiro, Brando, Demi Lovato) he turned to music. Luckily for us, he actually has a decent voice. He smashed on Kanye’s “Golddigger” and made us ALL blame it on the alcohol.

Recently he played Django in “Django Unchained” I think he played this role exquisitely and made me interested in the movie the whole time. I mean, what’s not to love about a slave who loves to dress flamboyantly and kill white people? The movie helped remind me of his talent and made me forget about his somewhat douche-y personality. In this BHM, I am not here to point out any shortcomings, so let’s lift up brotha Foxx for being so damned talented!

Also, so how awkward was it for me at work the next day after seeing Django to have someone talk to me for an uncomfortable amount of time about his penis? *shudder*


Saturday, February 16, 2013

BHM Day 16: The Dream




Have you ever wondered who wrote some of today’s biggest, most dramatic(al) songs? Probably not. Songwriters are some of the unsung heroes of the music industry. There are a few who have made the transition from writing and producing to artist. I thought of talking about Ne-Yo, but everyone knows his story and he has more shine than some other prominent writers but lesser known artists. Terius “The Dream” Nash is one of those. He has experienced decent success with such hits as “Shawty is a 10” and umm, that’s all I can think of. Today I am actually going to shine my BHM light on him because of his contributions writing for other artists.
He has written for the Brits and the Biebers of the music industry. Rihanna, Beyonce and Mariah all go to him when it comes time to record albums. The man is a beast, yet most people wouldn’t have the slightest idea who he was. I will tell you who he is: THE MAN GETTING MONEY HAND OVER FIST. Writing is where the money is people!

Mariah:” Obsessed” Platinum

RIhanna: “Umbrella” 3x Platinum

Bieber: “Baby” 3x platinum in the US

Beyonce: “Single Ladies” (yes a dude wrote that) 4x Platinum

Kanye: “All of the Lights” Grammy winning

His track record is pretty damned impressive and he somehow managed to bag Christina Milian. Then he cheated on her. Clearly this man has something going for him and needs to be recognized. He did have Jay Z make fun of his “swap meet hat” at this year’s Grammy’s but I’m certain that my blog is FAR more influential than that silly show.

BHM Day 15: Serena Williams





Today’s BHM shout out will be short and sweet. Serena Williams is a beast and a bad bitch in general. I mean, on a tennis court it’s like she is straight up bullying these heiffas. I know that I would be terrified to have a Serena serve or even a backhand come my way. Then she’d top off her amazing win with a crip walk that would make Snoop himself shed a tear.

I haven’t even started talking about the crazy clothes that she brought to a pretty drab sport. She took this love of fashion and now sells it to bored housewives and zestlefolk on HSN. WORK SERENA! Feel free to twirl in one of your Serena William’s dresses.
So beyond her tennis ability and her fashion sense, she also has ass for days. It has lead to her being name checked by Kanye and has bedded Common. She was giving us ass before Nicki even finished paying hers off. She’s the O.G. and people need to respect this chick. She IS from Compton (don’t mistake her being well spoken and polished for the media as her being soft)

This week Serena returned to the number one spot in women’s tennis. She’s 32 and is STILL a boss. If that’s not reason enough to celebrate, this most certainly is:


Friday, February 15, 2013

BHM Day 14: Tika Sumpter



Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love the show “Gossip Girl” It was filled with drama, fashion and had NYC as it’s backdrop. I mean, what is NOT to love about it?! Umm, I will tell you what; it’s lack of black people. How is a show taking place in New York and only has ONE Black character for the bulk of it? Sounds real “Friends” like to me, but don’t even get me started on those people.

Anyway, so imagine how excited I was a couple seasons back when they introduced Tika Sumpter and her family to the Upper East Side. Finally black people with money who could scheme and plot with the best of them! On top of that, she was able to capture the interest of Chuck Bass! Who knew his zesty ass would be cocoa curious and certified in a matter of a couple episodes? Blair was hating and doing some squats in the hope of keeping up.

Right around her stint on GG, Tika seemed to be everywhere. I really hadn't heard of her before the show but started seeing her on every red carpet and at all the award shows. Apparently she was a soap actress, but I can’t be bothered with soaps. Like seriously, who does? After her role in “Sparkle” she seems poised to have an even bigger career ahead of her. I wouldn't doubt it as she is beautiful and I think she’s a pretty good actress as well. On top of that, she was all up on Oprah’s Instagram the other day. Now if that’s not a co sign, then I don’t know what is. Good enough for Oprah means your good enough for the BusyBoyd BHM spotlight. NOW TWIRL!






BHM Day 13: Black Bond Girls



So I’ve been obsessing over James Bond for the past two months or so. I gonna go ahead and blame Adele for that one. I’m reading the books, listening to theme songs and I saw “Skyfall” awhile back. In that movie, people were making a big deal about the fact that there was a Black British girl as a Bond girl. Yeah, in 2012. Like seriously?

It’s cool that Noemie got that role and it’s even cooler that she shot James’ ass. I think it’s important to remember that she wasn’t the first and only Black Bond girl. Trina Parks was actually the first, with her appearance as Thumper. She rocked a yellow bikini, flawless skin and an afro while kicking James in his junk. I’m pretty sure Bond learned early on that Black girls don’t PLAY.
Rosie Carver appeared next and actually let James up in her goodie jar. That was pretty important and even had to be edited out before the film was released in South Africa. It was 1973 and people weren’t necessarily ready to see all that swirl action JUST yet. Grace Jones followed in 1985 and was scary as hell. I haven’t seen the film but I saw a still from it and she looks terrifying. Then again, I just am scared on Grace Jones in general, but that’s a different story. Halle Berry got hot and heavy with Bond in 2002.
See, there have been Black women represented in these films. Some see their exclusion as a good thing because Bond girls are usually nothing more than sex toys. I see the inclusion of these women as a good thing as it shows the changing face of America and helps dispel the notion that only Blonde hair, blue eyed women are beautiful. Hell, the Black women have all had natural hair, which is pretty major itself, since often times Black women need to adhere to White ideals of beauty to be considered beautiful.

So today let’s give a shout out to the Black Bond women. They are an amazingly awesome group of bad chicks who have paved the way for other Black actresses in Hollywood. Plus they all look good in swimwear.


Thursday, February 14, 2013

BHM Day 12: Tami Roman




I'm a HUGE fan of reality television. I started watching the Real World when it was filled with average looking people (minus Eric Nies. Can I get a witness up in here?!)living their lives and interacting with one another. It then moved on to LA later on and we were introduced to Tami. She was an aspiring singer at the time and had interesting stories during her season. She wired her jaw shut for weight loss, she had an abortion and she helped create a now necessary role in reality tv: The Angry Black Woman.

After Real World, Tami went on to act. I think she may have even been in a fellow BHM spotlight recipient, Kenya Moore production. She would up marrying Kenny Anderson and got divorced which made her PERFECT for Basketball Wives. The title of the show should have been "Basketball Exes, Tricks and Baby Mamas" but I guess that title is just a bit long. Oh well. On that show she came on and showed some growth. She had kids now and a new wig and was ready to show a different side of herself. She quickly ended up becoming the show's resident bully and was known to be quick to flip. Drunk ass Tami once again owned her title of Angry Black Woman/The Raging Thundercunt.

Tami doesn't just get the spotlight for her pioneering ways. I mean, without her the world would have never met Real World's Coral, Bad Girl's Club's Tanisha, or ANTM's Bianca. She has also figured out how to stretch her 15 minutes into 15 years. She is now somewhat relevant again and that says a lot since I'm not quite sure where her talents lie. She does weight loss ads and is launching some nail polish line. Girl, I guess! I'm not here to hate (esp during BHM!) so go on and collect them checks.

This is where is all began...

BHM Day 11: Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben





I was grocery shopping in my typical fashion ( me running up and down every aisle in a crazed pace and looking like a contestant from “Supermarket Sweep”) when I had a revelation. Well actually I had a few. First, Supermarket Sweep was an AMAZING show. Second, I totally should probably start making grocery lists. Finally I started thinking about Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. I’m no histrorian and I’m far too lazy to look up the details of these brands, but it seems as if they were both established after slavery. So, who thought it’d be a great idea to have their products represented to mainstream America by characters who conjured up memories of slaves?

I’ll tell you who: WHITE PEOPLE. I just have always found the whole Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben thing to be so fascinating. Growing up, I remember seeing commercials for these products and the characters were always talking to wholesome, all- American families who 1) didn’t look anything like me and 2) sure as hell didn’t look like they should be calling these people their aunt or uncle. Somehow these characters managed to stand the test of time and became iconic. Aunt Jemima equals pancakes. Uncle Ben is my go to guy for rice. (just kidding. I actually prefer jasmine or just plain brown rice for those of you who care)

So today I am shining my BHM spotlight on Ben, Jemima, Rasus and even Mrs. Butterworth. They were one of the first waves of black “celebrities” to cross lines and enter the homes and hearts. of white people all over. They opened the doors for the likes of Will Smith. For that we should all be thankful. They also serve as a reminder of ignorance, from times (not so) long ago. Damn, now I REALLY want some pancakes. Ugh.