Why I Love the Holidays: Music Edition

One might think that hearing Christmas music 2.5 months would be annoying. They would be right. The thing that's good about Christmas music is that people rarely come out with new songs. You always know the song whether it's Christina, Bing Crosby or Beyonce and Friends singing it. The thing that's bad about Christmas music is that people rarely come out with new songs. i have worked for the same retail company for 7 years and the songs are basically the same from year to year. Here are some songs that I love for Christmas:

"Last Christmas"- Wham! I love this song because it's super sad for the holidays. But at least it's honest. This is the time of year when broke asses dump you so they don't have to buy you a present. I'm not bitter, but let's just move on. Jimmy Eat World also has a good version of this song

Anything by Christina Aguilera: She put out a CD like right after she came out. She was still white and pop princess-y. She also felt the need to belt out every note. Each song is littered with melismas and vocal runs. It's pretty funny how a simple song like "This Christmas" gets turned into a 25 minute long song full of cunty dramaticalness. I like the dance remix to "The Christmas Song" Another good song is "This Year" it's Christmas, yet it's a song you could knock boots to. I guess she's always been a little dirrty. We like that about her.

"This Christmas"-Donny Hathaway. This song is such a standard. I love it and it makes me feel all warm and toasty inside (oh wait, thats the egg nog) People seem to like Macy Gray's version, but I cannot endorse it.

"Santa Baby"-Ertha Kitt. I love how she purrs through the song. It's super sexy and superficial--it totally screams Christmas! Kylie Minogue has a pretty sexual version that is worth checking out.

8 Days of Christmas-Destiny's Child. I LOVE this song. It's pretty modern (2000, i think?) and is full of superficial desires paired off with things that are from the heart. (ie a pair of chloe shades and a diamond belly ring vs a gift certificate to get my favourite CD) The song doesn't stray from the fast delivery and sass that DC made their trademark and I like it when people remain true to who they are (see: xtina whoring up christmas tunes)



"All I Want for Christmas is You"-Mariah Carey. THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG. I think it just signals Christmas for me. It puts me in a good mood from the jump. Her whole Christmas CD is filled with really good Christmas songs. I like this version of the video because she reminds me of my mom from way back when here. It's my site, so I'll post whatever version I please. If you don't like it, feel free to send an email to idontgiveawhat@biteme.com




When is Amy Winehouse's holiday album dropping? I imagine her talking about doing blow with santa or punching Mrs. Claus in the face. I'll go ahead and cross my fingers for a 2009 release date.

Things that Make me want to be Jewish...

Christmas is the best/worst time to work in retail. I have worked retail for 10 years now and I think it has only made me dislike Christmas that much more. It's never like the movies, where people are nice and happy to be living. Instead, it's a whole bunch of "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU RAN OUT OF BOXES TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS?!?!" and "CAN YOU HURRY UP?!? I'm IN A RUSH!!!" Quickly, let me respond to these questions:

1.) Your shopping this close to the holidays is not my fault. I know we're in a recesssion, blah blah blah, but don't blame your lack on planning/saving on me. I guess Little Timmy will know that you shopped last minute for him and don't love him when he receives a girl's belly shirt with no box.

2.) Don't shop if you don't have time. Once again, I cannot be held responsible for your lack of time management. IF you only have 2 minutes to shop, then I suggest you do it online. There are no lines, and you won't get a side eye from the likes of me.


On top of silly folks, I have to listen to Christmas music. I have gotten to the point, where I block most of it out, but every once in awhile, a gem (cough) like this one just sticks out and stays with me the whole day:



Now, who told Ashanti, her non singing butt needed to ruin Christmas? It's just horrible enough that it grates on my nerves, but since it's Ashanti, it's catchy. I find myself singing along to her. Please note this video may look cheap and bootleg like it was made during these tough times, but no, it's just a busted video from when Ashanti was kind of a big deal (read: Pre Beyonce)

New Video: Halo

Even though I much prefer "Sasha Fierce" to the "I Am..." disc, I have to say that Halo is a standout song for me. It's the type of song that you wish someone would have written about you. This video does the song justice and almost melted my frozen heart. It kinda reminds me of the Sophie Muller videos for Gwen Stefani/No Doubt and is perfect for giving us that intimate feeling. B is really upping her dramatic side. I was waiting for her to overdo it with a single tear, but alas, she apparently has learned the art of restraint. Brava!


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New Video: Diva

This is the second video off the Sasha Fierce disc. I like this song because it's really repetitive. So much easier to sing along in the club after I've had about two or twelve... I like the choice of black and white and it's filled with tons of visual imagery. I'm not sure if I really get the ending with the cigar and blowing up the car, but I guess that's just how Beyonce rolls. She is constantly giving us videos that make us stop and say "the hell?" I guess that's good. She's never too predictable.



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Quotable!

So today I was in bed minding my own business, avoiding packing for my weekend getaway, when my sister called. She felt that since I had so much free time on my hands, I should make her a mix CD. Anyone who came at me like that at 10am would get a prompt "Hoe, sit down!" award, but she's family. I asked her about music and she was naming some songs, but complained that she felt out of the loop with pop music. She told me about a music station she listens to that plays top pop songs from way back to today. Pretty cool idea, right? She then went on to give me an example:

"Well, I mean, they play like Aaliyah, who isn't really making any new music for obvious reasons"

Ian: Obvious reasons, referring to the fact that she's dead?

Simone: "Well, yeah."



My sister is too extra. Don't be jealous.

New Video: Turnin' Me On

So I think it's safe to say that I am a HUGE fan of Keri Hilson. She is talented, sexy as hell and someone that seems like they'd be fun to be around. Unfortunately, she isn't over the top sexy and is "boring" (read: she doesn't fuck for tracks/make an ass out of herself on TMZ) so she isn't getting the heat she deserves. This is her third single from her album. Which has been pushed back to late 2033. Maybe she can have Svedka throw the release party, I hear they will be voted the number one vodka of that year. (Yeah, I don't understand those ads either..) Anyway, here's is her new song Turnin' Me On. I LOVE the song and the video. It's visually interesting and makes me want to go out to the club. Who knew someone could make bird walking cool?

Rehab

Dear Rihanna,

I have always been a fan of yours. I liked you when you were a dancehall pop tart in "Pon De Replay." When they upped your budget and gave you a makeover for "SOS" and "Unfaithful" I was applauded. When the good girl went bad, I was bought it immediately. I am a sucker for pop music and you make music that is just so freaking infectious, I cannot resist. I will say that you did lose cool points for re-releasing your last CD. I hate when people do that. I felt punished for buying it the first day it came out. I downloaded the bonus tracks (not from ITUNES, thank you!) just to act out.

Ok, enough back round. The reason I am writing you this letter is because of your refusal to go back to the studio. What happened to the Rihanna that released like 3 albums in 2 years or some crap? Granted, you were new to the game and trying to figure out your sound/look/ethnicity or what have you, but come on. Ne-YO did the same thing, and he's hit his stride, but continues to produce records.
Rehab is like the 16 single she's released from the CD. I am waiting for her to do a video setting the liner notes to music and her posing and mean mugging on a Bentley. If you steal my idea, I will hunt you down. No, but seriously, the days of releasing more than 4 singles are over. It kind of ended with Michaek and Thriller. Now society cannot stay focused on people long enough, so you have to re-invent yourself and release albums reminding us that you are, in fact, still worth your fleeting attention.

This video is really pretty. It reminds me of the photo shoot Posh and Becks did for W magazine. I love seeing people in the desert. Film it in black and white and add ten points. Up the dramatic factor by having everyone give their best "I wanna Oscar" face and I'm sold. I will say that the video is just pretty and not interesting in the least. Tons of posing and fierce looks, but nothing that moving. A song with lyrics like this one could have gone as dramatic(al) as the 'Unfaithful" video. Then again, if she's too lazy to release NEW music, then I guess she's probably too lazy to actually do anything but a beauty video.

Rihanna - New Music - More Music Videos

P.S. Is is me, or does it look like she's wearing diapers? That green outfit is too funny. I don't care how much you purse your lips, you look like your ish is WET! Oh, and does her tattoo on her neck look like it's spreading? Like a rash? I'm concerned.

Throwback Joint: Beep Me 911

This joint comes courtesy of Max Jones. I was stressed out and had no inspiration, but luckily he brought this song to my attention. It's from Missy and 702. This is early Missy when every video she dropped was an event. I like the whole video concept of the barbie dolls. This song is still relevant to me as I still tell people to "Beep me 911 or call me on my cell phone" yet I haven't had a beeper since mid nineties.

Who Knew?!

This is one of those "ohh, NOW it all make sense!" things:

Wanda Sykes spoke at a rally against Prop 8 recently. I just thought she was doing it for her gay BFF, but she talked about her wife and how everyone that knows her knows she's gay. I had my suspicions, but I just thought she was another Whoopi. You know, funny black woman who just doesn't care about being sexy, but still loves the peen. At any rate, good for her. Her speech is decent but it makes me laugh because of her voice. I love it!! I wish more angry lesbians talked like Wanda. Just a suggestion...

Penis Envy

Here is Beyonce at this year's EMA awards. I have to say that when I first heard this song, I wasn't a huge fan. Now, I love a good old fashion cunty and dramatical tune, but this one was just a bit too slow for me. This song has grown on me. Please take note of Beyonce's oscar worthy emotion she is serving up. I think the fact that she is still rocking her robo glove makes things that much better. She's so futuristic, it hurts!

My Hero

I was trying to find a good photo to post from Tyra's photoshoot with The New York Times Magazine, so I could show how Beyonce totally jacked her style. I couldn't find the picture I wanted fast enough (meaning I tried twice and gave up) but I did find this gem:



I found a link saying "Tyra Banks has 275 smiles!" I was like, "Ohh, lemme peep that!!" as I saw myself last night in the mirror of the club and realised that I look downright mean at times. I may make November the month of me smiling more. Beyond the smiles, I always like to hear Tyra speak. She seems to have a really good head for business and knows that her beauty won't be what makes her relevant for years to come. All that AND she can smile with her eyes? Damn, some people are just blessed like that...

Throwback Joint: Shake Ya Body

The other day I was watching the Tyra show and it made me think "When did Tyra become a real talk show host?" I thought that shit woulda been canceled with a quickness, but I guess she proved me wrong. I then thought of cycle 2, when she got all emotional and was talking about wanting to pursue her dream of being a singer. She made her girls dance and shake it in the video (now if that ain't a pimp, I don't know what is..) and it was probably only seen by a couple hundred people. Poor Darkchild is probably pissed her wasted that beat. Now, Tyra just makes fun of her singing skills (or lack thereof) and pretends like this never happened:



Oh, but it did. And is it wrong, that I don't hate it?

Hoe, Sit Down Award

Ok, this weeks' Hoe Sit Down Award goes out to this kid from LaFitness today. Sadly, I was unable to get the little fuck's name (ok, I'm not sad. I really don't care, but it just sounded nice to say "sadly" or "unfortunately") I know you are wondering, "How did he earn the HSDA?" If you just calm the H down, I'll tell you. Lemme set the scene:

*Ian is playing volleyball and having a good time for approximately 1.5 hours, when this kid (and I do mean KID) comes in and asks to join. He ends up on Ian's team.*

Kid: You need to move up

Ian: Naw, I'm good

Kid: No, but you need to move up to the center!

Ian: No, but seriously, I'm good here. I've been good here all night and this is where I'm going to stand *gives side eye and is caught by his extra "zesty" teammate who is thrilled at the prospect of something dramatical going down*


The kid then proceeds to show me that he is not good at volleyball and has NO business telling me what to do, as I was actually playing well. Like I know I have issues with authority figures, but I have even more issues with people telling me what to do when they don't know what they are doing. You don't see me telling LeBron how to play basketball, now do you? For this run in, I am giving the HSDA to homie from LaFitness. Congratulations!! Now, you can feel free to sit down, hoe.

Keeps Getting Better?

I think not. If you are going to name a song that, you had better have a video to back that ish up. I mean, come on now! We are in the midst of another Britney vs Christina moment and Christina has obviously lost. I like the song, it's fun and sounds very Rachel Stevens. (Look up "Nothing Good About Goodbye") I know this song is from her greatest hits and they probably aren't putting a ton of money behind the CD, but Damn! Give a bitch a budget! She is just sitting around playing on a board looking like Timbaland. Dance, vogue, do SOMETHING. I cannot endorse this:

Christina Aguilera - New Music - More Music Videos

Jesus Be My BlindFold!

This clip came to me courtesy of one Max Jones. I don't know where he found it, but I am really alarmed. Aretha Franklin is SANGIN' MiMi's "Touch My Body" which of course makes me think of some poor man charged with the responsibility of fulfilling her request. She's got body for days y'all. I really hope she decides to end her feud with Beyonce and cover Single Ladies. Maybe she could change the chorus to "Put a chicken wing on may" or "put an onion ring in me (belly..y'all so nasty!)" Of she could dust off an oldie, but goodie and remake "Freakum Dress" I'mma stay posted on YouTube waiting for her next awesome cover. And I give you all the original ReRe:

Throwback Joint: Imagination

This video comes from Tamia. It wasn't as big as "Stranger in My House" or, umm forget it, but I still like it. It combines a riff from the Jackson 5 and has a Busta Rhymes "Put Yo Hands Where I can See" vibe. The video was the first time I really saw an urban chick doing something so edgy and dark. It looked very similar to the NIN video for "Closer" Fast forward to 2008 when people are knocking Beyonce for biting styles and looks and praising RiRi for being edgy and different. Anyway, here is Tamia being edge and different, all while biting another video. Keep this up Tamia, and I'mma have to call you BeRiRi.

New Music: Return The Favour

This is the second single from Keri Hilson. I guess "Energy" didn't catch on like they anticipated, so they went with this song that sounds like a slower sequel to "Way I Are" It was directed by Melina, who did Ciara's latest video and they both have that futuristic vibe. Keri looks stunning in this video and I like the vibe of the song. It's really slinky and sexy. She is giving us some major RiRi references in this video:
1.) The scene with her in the pink dress with the mirrors is very S.O.S.
2.) The dance breakdown in the water is very "Umbrella"

Am I right, or am I right? Alright, enjoy

I Hope It's Not Too Late to Put A Ring On It...

I know Beyonce/Sasha/Divine Wearer of the Asian Silky Jumbo #5 likes to look to the past for inspiration for her videos. I knew her "Single Ladies" video was shot in the style of one of those 60s variety show performances. What I didn't know is that B totally swagger jacked this Gwen lady. I first saw Gwen doing this exact same dance to Unk's "Walk it Out" I saw it last week for the first time actually. It had me rolling. Anyay, imagine my shock, awe, & moisture level when I found this video:



I'mma do B, like Us Weekly or whatever tab does it: WHO DID IT BEST?

Throwback Joint: There You Go

So MTV is pushing P!nk's new album like they have something riding on it. Between all of their shows, they are playing interviews with her. I'd like to say "F you, MTV, I see right through you and I will NOT buy into it!!!" Sadly, if MTV tells me to do something, I do it. I am kind of excited for her new album to come out. I just returned Ne-Yo's album (it was too slow) and I have 9.99 burning a hole in my pocket. Her new song is really catchy, so I'm hoping there will be more catchy songs and cunty dramatical songs that make me misty eyed. It's kind of her formula and I ain't mad at it.
Does anyone else remember when P!nk used to be black? Well I thought she was, when I first heard this throwback joint on the radio. I actually bought that album and it was decent. I was able to buy into the whole sassy, strong black woman, but I must admit that her rocker chick persona feels a little more authentic. At any rate, I really don't care about image and the like--it's all about the music man! Also, when did I become such a dirty hippie? Of course it's all about the image.

Put a C-Ring on It

OK, so a few posts back, I was bitching and moaning about not being able to do an easy dance to Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It). Apparently my working and going to school has stopped me from studying the video frame by frame to recreate the video for tens of people to watch online via YouTube. Thankfully, work/school haven't gotten in the way of this lad's attempts to Get me Bodied. Is that the correct use of that phrase? I still really don't understand it. At any rate, here is a Single Guy (Probably not for long after this clip blows up) dancing to Single Ladies:

Throwback Joint: This is Me Remix

Yesterday I was talking to my friend and she was telling me a serious story about this guy she is dating. Apparently he is all damaged, due to his crazy ex girlfriend. My friend has been trying to assure him that she's not (that) crazy. I had to interrupt her mid story to say "You know your situation reminds me of a song, right?" I then, proceeded to sing the chorus of this for her. So this goes out to my friend who isn't that crazy.
This video is also fitting because this was the original Danity Kane and MTB comes on tonight. Both groups had moderate success with their first albums, only to have rumours of breakups and solo deals tear them apart. Sad. I like how the video even has the Bad Boy answer to Eminem. Is it me or does he look like Donnie's guido-ed out cousin? Think about it and get back to me.

New Beyonce: Single Ladies

Ok, so today I had the pleasure of seeing not one, but TWO new videos from Beyonce! Wow. Now I KNOWS there's a God when ish like this happens. I haven't really been trying to download leaked tracks by Beyonce, as I want to be surprised when it comes out. This song is different. It kind has a "Get Me Bodied" vibe to it, but it's not as catchy. I instantly liked Get Me Bodied, but this one took me a listen of two before I could get into it. This song lacks a long intro that gives me time to run to the dance floor and that is a problem.
This video is actually pretty cool to me. I like how stripped down it is. One look, two dancers and nothing too flashy. It's kind of refreshing. I think she looks beautiful. I like her new lion mane and the body is banging. I am not sure how I feel about the robo arm. It's kinda fierce and creep at the same time. I like the dramatic breathing at the end. She wants us to know that she really put in some work. She's not just going to stand around and look pretty. She's not afraid to sweat out her perm. THIS is why I love Beyonce.

Throwback Joint: '03 Bonnie and Clyde

This song has been in my head the past few days and I'm loving it all over again. Just think, this was the first time people really started talking about Jay and Beyonce possibly being a couple. That was back in '03 and they're still together. As my close friend Whitney Houston would say "That's love....BLACK LOVE!" I think this video is beautiful and I love the melancholy vibe the Spanish guitar gives this song. Enjoy.

New Slang: Renee Zelwegger

So today's slang refers to a look that I use alot. I am not always allowed to speak my mind so instead I let looks do the talking. One look that I found myself using a little more than I should is one that Renee Zelwegger has really made her signature. It's a smile that says "I'll smile, but I want you to know just exactly how much it pains me to do so" Someone talking to you about some ish, you're not trying to hear? ZELWEGGER them bitches! Your boss pops off at the mouth, but you can't cuss him/her out? Serve them up a heaping plate of Renee Zelwegger goodness. Please note, you shouldn't get upset when people ask you if you are constipated or passing kidney stones.

New Video: Love Lockdown

I am still unsure of why Kanye chose to premiere his new clip on Ellen. Now I'm hearing that Britney is releasing her new video on Dateline or 20/20 or some ish. What happened to the good old days of releasing music on music channels? I guess we don't have enough news to cover, so we look to pop music.
At any rate, the video is really cool. I like the white on white. In true 'ye style, he has upped the cunty/dramatic factor tenfold. BRAVA!!

Thanks to Kanye's Workout Plan

So Septemeber was really rough towards the end as far as working out. I got super busy with life and pretty stressed out, so that fell to the bottom of my to-do list. I was driving home from school the other day and Kanye's "Workout Plan" came on. It really inspired me to get it back together. Well that and I put on a pair of jeans and they almost fit without me wearing a belt. I later realised that I had just washed them, but still, I was hella nervous.
Last night, I decided to go to a hip hop class to keep my workout fun. I haven't been in awhile and it's a nice change up to running for 30-40 minutes. I am so dedicated that I decided to miss making the band and watch it later. That's huge. But I'll get to MTB later. I show up and the instructor is this white guy who is taller than me. He was wearing sweatpants with CARGO pockets and that right there was almost enough to make me walk out of the class. On top of that, when he was waiting for the class to fill up, he was pop locking. Minus ten points. I decided that would give him a chance. I'm glad I did. The class ended up being a really good workout. During the class I kept on trying to place the face. It wasn't until the end that I remembered that I saw my instructor "dancing" at a bar. All the other go-go dancers were body rolling and booty clapping, but I remember looking up and seeing my instuctor and saying "why is he dancing like the boys of N*Sync?"
It's always weird when you see people from the bars out in normal situations. I guess baretenders and dancers need to go to school, workout, eat etc, but it always is weird to me. Kind of like seeing a dog walk on its two hind legs. ( I jacked that from Mean Girls) I saw a shot server at my campus bookstore and it was so awkward. I was thinking "you look different when you aren't harassing me to buy shots, have clothes on and you're not jingling your goodies in my face" Instead, I gave a forced Renee Zellwegger smile and kept it moving.
Anyway, I came home and was able to watch making the band. It was boring as fuck until the last 15 minutes, when we find out that Danity Kane doesn't really like one another. Oh snap! Who really cares? Do they make hot songs? Keep your issues locked up and get those checks while you can. At the end of the show Diddy kicks Aubrey out the group. I just noticed that she kinda has a little wonk action on her left eye. Sad. Wonky eyed AND booted from your manufactured girl group. what a day! Aubrella is all heated because there is talk of Dawn going solo and Diddy used Dawn to record demos. Well duh! Dawn has always stood out as a unique voice and she writes. Diddy has been loving her long time. But, I beg the ladies of DK to take note of Destiny's Child. Michelle and Kelly shut the fuck up when B went solo. They dusted off their hot pants and heels and made a record when B was ready. They had bills to pay and weren't going to F up a good thing. Since, I have zero desire to see any of the girls to go solo (well, minus Dawn) I suggest, they do the same. Let Dawn go out and play. She'll probably go the Nicole Scherzinger road, but hey, at least she'll see that DK is where he money is coming from. I don't want the ladies to make any hasty decisions (even though the show is taped and what's done is done) and I encourgage them to SLEEP ON IT.

New Music: Go Girl

I was watching BET for the first time in months and I saw the "Access Granted" for Ciara's new video "Go Girl" At first listen, I was not a huge fan of the song for a few reasons:

1.) It's midtempo
2.) It features T-Pain
3.) It features T Pain

After hearing the track, I was wondering what Ciara would do to inspire folks in the club. Luckily, she enlisted the director, Melina to direct the clip. It's pretty hot. There's no story and she's not giving us any raw emotions. She is simply dancing in various get ups and set ups. We see her first at work. She is rocking some librarian glasses and using a typewriter. If this is supposed to be futuristic, why rock granny glasses (with a chain) and use something as antiquated as a typewriter? Maybe cooler effects were too costly. Damn this recession!
The next setup is Robo CiCi, who looks like a first cousin to Beyonce's "Get Me Bodied" Robo B. Beyonce rocks the gold, while Ciara gives us the silver. Her body looks banging and we all know I'm a sucker for the phony pony.
The last Ciara is the street Ciara that we all know and kind of like. She looks really good in this video, I cannot even hate. This is a prime example of how a video can help me change my mind about a song. I hated it significantly less after her first Chinese split. The she did another split using a chair? She is raising the bar. How am I supposed to do that in the club? Dance floors are dirty. I have long, giraffe like legs. I hope for the next clip, Ciara picks a faster song and gives us a less aspirational dance. I'm thinking, slide to the left and clap. Slide to the right and clap. Just a suggestion...

Fearless

So I have been loving Jazmine Sullivan for a minute and her album finally came out last week. I snapped that ish up with a quickness and boy am I glad I did! She lived up to the hype and I would have gladly paid full price for her album. FULL PRICE, that is serious, given the current price of oil and the recession. Here's a breakdown:

1.) Bust Your Windows: As the title implies, it's about bustin someone's windows out after they messed with your heart. I have never really wanted to do something that drastic, but it's dramatic and I'm a sucker for a dramatic chick (see: Mariah) This is a bomb ass revenge song

2.)Need You Bad: The single that is blowing up. It has Pepa from Salt N Pepa. I like the reggae vibe. It's a sharp contrast to the opening number. This one is more like "damn, I should have never left you. you were the ish.."

3.) My Foolish Heart: I like the beat. It reminds me of A.D.I.D.A.S. by Killer Mike

4.) Lions, Tigers and Bears: I LOVE this song. It's about being afraid to fall in love. As someone who is dead inside, it's nice to know that there are other people out there who aren't so quick to fall in love.

5.) Call Me Guilty: This is a bit dramatic for me. It's about domestic abuse and whether or not she should catch a case over the mofo.

6.) One Night Stand: "Usually I'm the one that's in the control, i Be the freakum, leave him, move on to the next man" That's how the song starts out. I wish she would stop trying to steal my life! No I kid! kind of.. It's about catching feelings for a one night stand. Kind of a different take on the one night stand.

7.) After the Hurricane: This reminds me of Monica's "Shoulda Known Better" as far as the beat. It's another breakup song, but I don't mean that in a bad way. She sings it with so much raw emotion that you can't help go through it with her.

8.) Dream Big: I guess the album needed a pick-me-up to stop us all from jumping off buildings.

9.) Live a Lie: "if the truth is gonna make me cry, I'd rather just live a lie" Amen J, AMEN.

10.) Fear: She is talking about the many things of which she is afraid. It kind of makes me think of what I'm afraid of. I'm going to have to go with everything.

11.) In Love With Another Man: It's just her and a piano and she's telling her man that she's in love with someone else. It's not the vulgar "I'mma do who I want, what what?!" that people are always saying. This is sweeter and is just about the heart wanting what it wants.

12.) Switch: Kinda cheesy and I could have done without it.


Overall the album is awesome. I can relate to most of the songs on some level. Her voice and delivery make you feel every note and emotion. I know everyone is looking for the next Lauryn Hill (minus the crazy) and as much as I hate to put my faith in people this early on, she has potential. Now if I see her ass on the cover of KING bent over and sucking on a lollipop, I'm deleting this review and I'll refuse to admit to ever having faith in her as an artist.

Throwback Joint: Dip It Low

Today's throwback joint came to me in my excitement around Beyonce's new CD that is coming out. Since I love Beyonce ALMOST as much as she loves fake hair, I could have simply posted a clip from her first album. That wasn't throwback enough for me. At work the other day, I saw that Ashanti will be in Gap Ads for Holiday 2008. That got me thinking of all the other R&B chicks out there who just fell the F off the Earth after Beyonce decided to go solo. I chose Christina Milian because I really enjoy this song. I like the video for a few reasons:
1.) It's Asian, like me
2.) The dance move at :47sec where she drops to the floor. Genius!
3.) Her introducing me to "poke it out, like yo' back broke"
4.) Rolling around and painting with her body

Basically Christina upped the hoe game and it kind of worked. We all were interested for a minute. Then Beyonce released a single or went to Starbucks and we all just stopped caring. Sad.

Let's Get Political!

Ok, so when I typed the title of this entry, I was thinking of "Let's Get Physical" It made me giggle like a schoolgirl. If you didn't get it, then you can bite me. There, I said it. Anyway, I was looking at videos online today and I came across this Chris Rock interview with Larry King. My alleged twin was funny as hell in my opinion and made some valid points. When asked about how he felt about a black man running his answer was similar to what I always say. I am proud of Obama for being such a GOOD candidate, not just a black one. Neither Chris, nor myself, would be as thrilled if it were Flavor Flav running for the presidency. The interview is kind of long, but it's worth your time.

New Music: Pocketbook

So my boy Max sent me an email putting me up on the new song by Jennifer Hudson called Pocketbook. I think it's produced by Timbaland. It's interesting because the beat is like someone beatboxing and her flow over it has a throwback feel to it. Ludacris appears and I really love him. The song is sassy for a few reasons:

1.) She repeatedly says "Don't make me hit you with my pocketbook!" Is that you granny? Maybe it's a southern thing, but I think people using the word pocketbook just sounds so 1940. I think I'mma use this as a threat for the next week

2.)"You ain't the only one trying to get under my skirt now"- girl you so nasty! You can't be showing your puakenikeni after you marry Punk. Does he have a real name? Is he always that glossy?

3.) "I've got my hair in a ponytail"-- I love ponytails! Now that's she's an official artist with an album and a second movie, I bet she's able to afford her own clip on ponytails. Say goodbye to the days when she'd pick up Beyonce's leftover jumbo silky #5 and make her own. That shit brings a tear to me eye. For real!

4.) "They say I stride like a model, got curves like a bottle"- She's embracing her thickness and being sexy as hell. Go on Effie, go on!!

You can listen to it here: (and by listen, I mean dL)

Pocketbook: http://www.zshare.net/audio/186680921152ed9d/

Validation!

If you know anything about me you should know of my love of skittles, false pony-tails and interviewing people. I really need to get a mic for the bar (read: buy me one for christmas, bitches!) so I can really start prepping to take over Oprah's spot. This is the first interview that I'm posting and it's from Adam, who is from Chicago. He was here visiting friends of mine and I had limited interaction with him. I did, however, get him to basically validate my feelings of being completely awesome. It's awesome what people will say when you have a mic (or fist that you call a mic) in front of their face. Please note my mating call at the end.

Genius!

It's pretty rare that a music video comes along and really stands out to me. This one comes courtesy of Gnarls Barkley. It's from a few months back, but I was thinking about it today randomly. I often like to think of new and innovative ways to be cunty and dramatic when breaking up with someone. I've never really had to do so, so my mind tends to run wild with the possibilities. Here are a couple ideas:

1.) Launch into Effie White's speech/song from Dreamgirls. (complete with clutching my gut and giving off all that jennifer hudson raw emotion)

2.) Just say no. As in, "Ian, this isn't working out and I want to end this." I'd say "No." and change the subject.

3.) Launch into the "You told Harpo to beat me" speech from the Colour Purple. I know it's not really relevant, but it's hella dramatical and stuff.

4.) Say "Raise your hand if you're dating me!!! Oh, about that...you should probably put your hand down. We need to talk."

Anyway, I like how this video is really telling a story. One that people can relate to. Not too long ago, I had to cut a conversation short because it was going down the "You are a great guy and I hope you find happiness" bullshit. I had asked that we move on because it was starting to sound way too much like an old episode of Dawson's Creek, or some other WB teen drama.

Trend: Booty Booty Booty Booty

Rockin' everywhere! The new trend for the week is booty! I have come across not one, but two videos on all sorts of random blogs talking about booty and thing that go in it. The first one comes from one of my favourite shows, Lockup. I am uncertain if it's a parody or not, but it looks pretty f'ing official to me. Reason 123712319232-d why my ass is TERRIFIED of going to prison:



Best Quote: "I like booty."

This next clip is of Karrine Steffans, who wrote a book about sucking dick. AND PEOPLE BOUGHT IT?! Really, only in America will a folks buy a book reading about someone else's ho exploits. I guess those checks are running low, so she's using her kitty box once again to gain some attention. She's putting Eddie Winslow (I know that's not his name, but he'll always be Eddie in my heart) on blast!



Best Quote: "I got ass dust in my hair!"
1.) that's not your hair. don't act like you can't detatch it and throw that shit in the washer machine
2.) I'm sure you've had much worse in your hair. Let's be real here. I think we all know this isn't your first time at the rodeo.

Why Technology is Bad

I have this affliction, where I think it's alright to drink large amounts of booze and call/text people. This is part of the reason why I like to have a few friends that live in time zones that are a few hours behind me. My annoying, drunken 3am call ET becomes a cute, latenight chat with my friends on the west coast. Smart, right? Because I hate dealing with fall out of what I said the night before, I have tried to really cut back on drunk texting and dialing. I had a relapse a few weeks ago and ended up calling someone who I had written off completely. I was shocked they were still even in my phone. It lead to a reconciliation. Who says drinking is bad and ruins people's lives? SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, DIANE!!

I was actually laying in bed yesterday in my drawers a t shirt for the first 3 hours I was awake. Amy Winehouse was playing and I was just enjoying having nothing to do (note: this is false, I actually had about 14 chapters of pharmacology to read and I needed to prep for exam. ANd I wonder why I'm so far behind...) I was talking to Jarrod, with whom I just started speaking to recently and I said "I was really drunk last night and didn't call or text you! aren't you proud!?" He was. I was receiving texts throughout the day from people saying they were sorry for what happened the night before or they were telling me that they were still drunk even though it was approaching noon. Needless to say THursday night at PI was one for the books.

My phone now saves a million text messages and I just happened to come across one I sent to my friend, Rachel. Rachel and I aren't the type that talk often. We talk like every 6-8weeks max. I still love her and I think she loves me. I guess my love of her made me decide to text her at 3:30am This is what I wrote:

Why am I so easy to pass on? Like seriously, I'm nice, low maint and I'm hung. OK, that's a lie, but whatever"

Who says that?! I mean really. She never responded to me, which I find rude, but whatever. Rachel has seen me in pretty bad shape. I have seen her in worse (haha) but we don't judge. We still love each other and totally rip on one another for our drunken antics. I guess one can consider my drunken communcations a perk of Ian having your phone number stored.

Breakdown

This is the ULTIMATE song for anyone who is going through some thangs. It came on my iPod last week in the midst of a mini crisis. The lyrics always seem to resonate with me. I have always liked this video for a few reasons:

1.) This is right after she left Tommy and came to the conclusion that showing one's chesticles 24/7 is necessary. Can we just talk about how massive they are looking here? Motorboat anyone?

2.) Gratuitous use of slow motion. I give Mariah full credit for using slow motion to make her videos that much more dramatic and over the top. The hair blowing in the wind and the crazy hand motions look beautiful when slowed down to 1/10 of the normal speed.

3.) When her hair is straight and slicked back she reminds me of my mom in some old photos I saw. My mom wasn't wearing garters and coochie cutters. Well, I don't think she was. THen again, I wouldn't put it past my mom. Oh lawd, mama no!!!

4.) I like how instead of just walking around and crying, she is in Vegas being sexy. Then she's kinda sad and pensive while laying down.(1:32) Then, oh wait, she's back up prancing around in a bikini top and being all cutesy (1:36) Like Lil' Kim says, "You can't keep a good bitch down!" Mimi is serving up a heaping platter of raw emotions, and I for one, want seconds!! This display of manic depressive tendancies should have been a sign, y'all. Errybody and they mamas was shocked when she ended up on TRL stripping and handing out ice cream.

Anyway, I love this song and think everyone else should do the same. It's a classic in my heart and has gotten me through many bleak times and I'm sure it'll get me through the bleak times ahead. So, if I was Oprah status, right about now is when I'd tell you to look under your seats to find every Mariah Carey CD & DVD released. I'm not on that level...yet. I mean, you can look, but don't get mad when you find some dust bunnies and a random sock.

A Picture is Woth a Thousand Words

But Nikeysha's booty chatter ain't worth ish. I'll get to that in a big..

I love the new opening for ANTM. Tyra is in this corset thing and her tig ol bitties are trying their damndest to break out. All the models look really pretty.


The girls start out with a posing lesson from Benny Ninja. He's whatever to me. He's like a paler version of Jay Alexander. I enjoy how he makes the models do dumb shit and tries to pass it off as genius posing. "I'm gonna have you girls get in these fabric tubes and pose!!" Umm, they looked like big ass sonograms or something. Sheena showed up and showed out by doing some Pussycat Doll stretches. Just when you think you can't love her anymore, she goes and pulls this out of her box of tricks. Baby Kimora is giving me that yella fevah and I'm only like 3 minutes into the show!

The girls go home and deccide to get in the pool to play truth or dare! YAY! Do grown ass people still play this game? Just asking...Elina gets the chance to make out with Clark (who acts all conservative but I'm sure she kisses chicks after a Mike's Hard Lemonade or two) Hannah pushes Isis because she feels like Isis was in her personal space. First hate crime of the season!! Yay! She is from a small town and isn't used to people being sexual. When Sheena talks to her about it, she talks about not acting black. That's a quick way to get knocked the F. out. with a house full of ethnic girls. You've been warned .

They show Isis taking her hormone injections and I thought I was going to pass out. Keeping it moving... The girls show up and find Benny Ninja wearing a tiny hat. Let me just say that I have a thing for tiny hats. They make mem really happy. It was glittery, gold and was probably fitting for a chiahuahua. GENIUS! The girls have a challenge where they model accessories. It was really awkward..Sheena put her leg behind her head and put the purse in front of her puakenikeni. I may have to stop watching this show is she gets eliminated.

The girls get together and call the racist girl a racist and she's upset. She buddies up with McKey who looks like the girl from species (Natasha Hen...who cares) Smart, I'd totally buddy up with the person in the house who does ultimate fighting.

This week's shoot is supposed to be on hot air balloon. The did it on a crane pretty close to the ground, which isn't as scary. These girls are so spoiled. I miss the old ANTM when Tyra would dangle them and make girls cry. Sheena holds onto the ladder using only her cheeks. I wonder if she's single? I know she is down with the swirl. I'm sure if she met me, she's go black boy crazy. Isis looked like, umm a man. That's understandable, but Nikeysha looking like one is unacceptable. Check that adam's apple y'all!

I like how they show Tyra in photoshoots before judging. Retired model my ass. Nikeysha gets called out for being too skinny. Tyra is a hater!I have to give old girl her respect, her face looks really good. Now if only we could get her to stop raising the roof. Awkward Majorie takes an awesome photo and I'm not shocked. She's this season's Shandy/Heather and I've seen it before. Same script different cast. She'l continue taking bomb ass photos but lacking confidence and it'll get old REALLY FAST. Stop. Sheena gets called out for being Hooch. Shocker. She is wearing some coochie cutters and a low tank top. Paulina asks if her breasts are real. WHy do you care, ya big lez?! Kidding. Sheena says they are but later steps up and comes clean. When she is all 'Hold up, something ain't sitting right with me with what you said" I thougth she was going to tell Tyra to suck it. Sadly she says that she lied only because it was something she did when she was young that she regrets.

THe bottom two end up being the two suspect females (Isis and Nikeysha) Nikeysha gets the boot and continues talking way too damn much. Get that broad a muzzle, stat! Tyra promptly shuts her the F up so she can give Isis her photo. Nikeysha then asks to walk for Miss J. Hungry and desperate. Go home with some grace, woman! Her exit interview gets cut off by the credits which is hilarious, as she is talking about talking too much.

Next week is makeover week. I knows there's a god! I cannot wait!

Quotable

So the other day I was talking to Max, and we dusted off an oldie, but goodie. Please take note of this video around :32. We like saying "Ohh you so ghetto...but not like Ugh, you so ghetto!" You can totally change ghetto to country, different, alternative..the possibilities are endless. It's all in the way you say it. When I found this clip I forgot about how it ends. "can I call you a bitch?!" Haha the response is even better "No you cannot call me a muthafucking bitch! That isn't my government name!" Government name. Really!? I love it. I used that when someone was like "My name is ADONIS!!" I was like "Umm, did your mama name you that? Is that your government name? Can I see your ID please" He was not pleased with me. I told him to drink a Snapple and keep it moving. Notice, his ass never showed me his ID. SUSPECT!!

Fashion Rocks

I almost went into conniptions last week when I thought I had missed Fashion Rocks. Thank the good lawd, I was only missing Stand Up to Cancer. Both shows have a lot of the same people, but on Fashion Rocks, they look much better. Apparently this show is a benefit for Stand Up to Cancer. Yay for fashion.

Ok, so RiRi opens this one up. You got one more show to open girl, before I give your ass the Hoe Sit Down Award. You've been warned. She does "Vogue" and does a great job. I don't think she was really singing, but after the VMAs, I think it's for the best. She was doing enough on the stage to warrant not singing live. They kept on teasing us with elements of "Please Don't Stop the Music" but never came through.

Wow, Dennis Leary just made fun of fat girls in skinny jeans. I can say that shit, but no one pays attention to me. Shame on you! I kid. I don't care. I giggled.

Beyonce!! Okay, so now I get her new unfortunate hair.I blame you, Etta James!! She really likes to throw herself into her movies. First, she dropped 20lbs for Dreamgirls, now she's rocking this "'do" It's really making me think of a blond Elvis wig. Girl, leave your hair and makeup on the set like everyone else. You didn't see Charlize Theron rocking trucker lesbian chic while promoting "Monster" I'm just saying...

Fergie is playing homage to Blondie. I was nervous/hoping she ws going to sing barracuda. I kind of live for seeing her do one handed cartwheels. It's so fucking random. This song allows her to scream, which I am sure thrills her to no end. Debbie Harry comes out and sounds kinda better than Fergie and looks like an Madonna when she was Asian/Tyra from this season of ANTM. Please watch this at around 3:12 without busting up laughing. I dare you.



Keith Urban. I'm not really into country. But his hair looks like he spent a lot of time on it. Good for him. Gold Star!

LL Cool J? His ass is popping up everywhere! Girl, I thought you were dead! Glad he's still doing stuff. He introduces Chris Brown. He has an alarmingly short torso. He sings "Forever" which I kind of like, but is kinda cheesy in an Olympic Theme sort of way.

Duffy sings like she's got soul, but watching her perform reminds us that she is, in fact, just a white girl from Europe. At least Amy Winehouse has that crackhead shimmy.

Justin Timberlake saves face for white folk all over the world. I love "Got to Give it Up" by Marvin. Kid Rock's ass again? Maybe I'm the lame one, but I had no clue he was even relevant. I thought once the midget died, his career died. Mary J I guess comes out to replace Joe C (how I remembered his name is beyond me) She's rocking all white and showing off all her thickness. I dare Dennis to say something about her. Mary may have had a breakthrough, but I think you and I know that she still has a blade under her tongue. Real Talk.

Beyonce has a hair change and has slipped into some long and silky yaki. She's rocking a pantsuit from her Goldmember days. There you go again B, stealing costumes from your movies. Child, cool it now! She and Justin have a great duet and I'm thinking they could have some real Jungle Fever. She's gone white boy crazy! He's gone black girl hazy!!

Ohh, MIMI is coming out. She's singing "That Chick" I think it's funny because they play it at work and I'm pretty sure all the drug references in this song went over someody's head. "I'm like that Ohh wee your feigning to blaze up" Her set has a moon like the one in studio 54. I didn't know that Mimi liked to umm "party" but that would explain SO much.

Timbaland brings out One Republic but I cannot deal right now. After watching the Hills tonight, I've come to the conclusion that emotional white folks make me emotional. Leave it to PCD to bring some levity. Timbaland was scaring me with these weird noises and jerking motions. Is that what a seizure looks like? Why do the other girls even hold mics?

Solange! She shows Duffy how to do a throwback performance right. I am glad Beyonce let her perform tonight. They show her in the audience singing along. Sit down and let your sister try to sing. You always have to show her ass up, don't cha?

There is the performance of the Stand Up to cancer song. Ciara and Ashanti? Really? I'm shocked as hell she made it through her 1.5 lines without saying "baby" She's really grown as an artist. Ok, so why did Beyonce change her hair back? Must she channel Etta James to fight cancer? Do I need an Etta James wig now? These are the questions that I need answers to!

Aaaaaaaand I'm done.

Throwback Joint: Jungle Fever

So the other day I was talking to someone I used to hang out with naked and they were like "I figured you'd only date whites" What is that supposed to mean? The way things have been going, I really cannot afford to deny a whole group of people like that. (please note: I am not hungry and desperate....yet) This song was the first thing to pop into my head. My sister used to sing this to me all the time because of my early love of white folks. (please note: my sister is rude and hateful at times) I love the line of "she's gone black boy crazy, I've gone white girl hazy" Not sure why, but it just makes me laugh.

VM HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAys

Ok, so it's that time of year again when MTV tries to have an awards show that doesn't suck. THey used to be good once upon a time, but then BET came along and starting kicking ass. Last year's show sucked hardcore (and not in a good way) so the pressure is on to well, not suck (that much) Britney has been tapped to open the show. Glad to see her awake and aware of her surroundings this year! What a difference a day (and a court making her father handle her business/life) makes! Everyone made a big deal about Britney opening the VMAS, but it's all about RI Ri!! I know's there a god!

Rihanna comes out in this contraption that looks like she's popping out of a wedding cake or erupting out of a volcano. It's pretty different. She's so dark and different. There, I said it. Are you happy? I am one of RiRi's biggest stans, but I must say that she sounds kind of horrible. I guess thinking about being so different and edgy can take a toll on one's voice. ALSO, is she rocking a mullet? I cannot and WILL not endorse that fuckery! I prefer RiRi when she's giving us edgy pretty intead of this black barbie does to a Marilyn Manson concert.

This Russell character starts the show off by talking about politics. Vote for Barack! That's an easy ploy for applause. It seemed to have work. Music industry types are easy to win over I guess. Did he just make reference to Madonna getting it on with A Rod's baseball bat? Ew. I don't need that. I'm trying to eat my frosty y'all.

Britney wins the first VMA of the night and it's her first one ever. Who didn't see that coming? I bet they promised her that award and some Wendy's if she'd show up. They'd have to promise my ass something after last year's awards. I DO love the Wendy's! I see you Cirius!! (that's the awesome employee that works at the Wendy's across the street from me. She has purple hair but doesn't need it. I was smitten at Cirius)

This is my first exposure to the Jonas brothers and I'm not sure if I can explain what's going on inside of me. Is it possible for a VMA performance to make my balls shrivel up? I don't get it. This is creepier than Rihanna's "Disturbia" performance. Oh wait, it just got a little less boring. They opened the floodgates and now screaming girls and homosexual boys are going nuts for them.

Speaking of the gays, I am sure they love Katy Perry's dress. It has a bedazzled banana that she was able to peel!! WOW.

Lil' Wayne-hella dramatic intro by Leonna Lewis. I have to admit, he is a monster. Without a hype man yelling "clap ya hands!!" and being a general pain in the ass, he is able to keep the attention of my ADD ass.

PCD wins best dance video. Yay. Where the F is Mikey "My Lipgloss is Poppin'" Minden? He is the real star of the group. His zesty ass cracked me up on the PCD reality shows. Nicole didn't let the other broads talk. Typical.

Parramore-I don't see any black folks in the audience so i'm not going to comment on them. It's clear that Parramore and President Bush do not care about black people. Kidding. They gave a high energy performance and she sounds pretty good. Points for the banana yellow pants.

Miley introduces P!nk and I just love her speaking voice. She reminds me of every raspy voiced Theta I went to college with. I have a major thing for raspy voices. I wish I had one. P!nk's song is so damn catchy. I love it. It gets me going everytime. It makes me want to do the Kelly Clarkson "Since U Been Gone" bounce. Her tig ol bitty tried to make a run for it and i saw some sort of covering over her nip. It looks like bejewed duct tape. Classy.

What in the high hell has Jordin Sparks been sippin on? She is carrying a torch for the Jonas brothers or something, because she just snapped and said there's nothing wrong with wearing promise rings because "not everyone wants to be a slut" Simmer down. What you do with your coochie pot is your choice. Your coochie, your choice. Coochie! Damn, I love that word.

TI and Rihanna-The first song was a bore, but I have to give it to RiRi. She looked blazing when she struck her pose and made her entrance. This is the RiRi I know and love. She looks bossy as hell and I'm not even gonna rag on that blond cinnabon looking thing in the front of her hair. I'mma leave it alone. She sounds much better this time around.

XTina- Damn she looks good. New mothers all over the world are probably cussing her tiny ass out right now. This is exactly what Britney should have done last year--reminded us that she's been around for a decade and has had hits for days. Xtina has seemed to learn the art of lip synching from Brit. This song reminds me of Kiley Minogue. I like the song.

Britney wins best Pop video?! The hell?! Now I KNOW something ain't right. DK's 'DAMAGED" was way catchier and did better on the charts. How is MTV making their decisions? I just don't get it. It's not right and it certainly is NOT okay. I am sure when Aubrey has her meltdown, which is due any moment now, MTV will pump DK up and give them awards. ALso, please note that even thought Britney is cleaned up, she is still smacking her gum. She's so country y'all!! I bet she has Cheetos dust under her fingernails. On the upside, she wins Video of the year and her ass looks amazing.

Kanye- At first watch, I'm not sure I really get it. He sings now? Who knew. And for the recrod, the T Pain/Britney vocoder thing can really sit down for a minute. By the end of the song I think I was liking it. the performance was cunty and dramatic, much like Kanye.

Overall this show was waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than last year's. That doesn't say much, but whatever.

Throwback Joint: Get On The Bus

This week's throwback comes to us from Destiny's Child. Yesterday was Beyonce's birthday and I really should have posted this then, but I got drunk and forgot. Whoops. Because I fear her parents and her growing power (she's bound to reach Oprah status by 2012) I decided to go ahead and post this ASAP. This is a song that most people don't know, as it was on a movie soundtrack. I like this song for a few reasons

1.) It's Timbaland and even though it's an old song, it could still bang on the radio today

2.) I love a good breakup song

3.)Beyonce is all over the track and only lets Kelly get a verse in while she catches her breath

4.) It features the original members.

5.) Even though the video kinda looks like they had a budget of 100, they all look good and I actually enjoy the video. Way to make it work ladies.

Enjoy

Rihanna Award

I created this award after receiving an email yesterday that made me say "PLEASE!" out loud. RiRi says "Please" in "Take a Bow" and I love the way she says it, so I'm making an award out of it.

Drumroll please!
This week's award goes to he who shall not be named for having the audacity to ask me to do him a favour after he decided not to pay for rent this month. You are deciding to opt out of rent this month, I'm deciding to opt out of helping your ass. PLEASE!

**Max's ex roomate gets an honourable mention for pulling the same fuckery. I'mma move out and almost get your ass evicted, and then I'm gonna ask you for a reference. PLEASE!

Loyalty

Last night, I was talking to my friend Max about some dramatical events going on with his friends. So and so is mad at so and so for not being loyal. Blah blah blah. We started talking about what it means to be loyal to a friend and were basically on the same page with it. That is probably why we are good friends and have been so for this long. It's funny that that conversation totally foreshadowed what would happen later on in the night with my friends.
I'm not sure how I ended up at this point in the conversation, but basically I said "Don't be shocked when I stop talking to your ass if you try to hook up with someone that I was hooking up with." Yeah I know that everyone is some body's ex, but I think there are so many other people out there. Years ago, I was talking to someone and they ended up breaking my heart (it was really dramatic, like an episode of "The Hills") and a week or so later Max was like "_____ is cool, and we have so much in common...is it alright if we talk?" At the time I really think Max meant hang out with him, but I didn't care. I blew the fuck up and got all "ring the alarm" on his ass. Out of all the people in the world to befriend, why must you choose the one that broke my heart? To Max's credit, 1.) he asked permission and 2.) he respected my wishes.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I demand people ask for my permission all the time. I sure as hell don't. I had to laugh when someone tried to tell me it was ok to make out with someone. I was like "1.) I do what I want. 2.) We're not friends 3.) please see #1" I try to ask if I think my friend will be hurt. I've even been in the position where my friend has liked someone and they weren't interested in him, but they liked me. Technically this person was fair game for me, but I sat back and thought "how will my friend feel?" and "is this worth possibly hurting my friend?" Had I come to the conclusion that I felt love for this person and thought we'd be the next Bobby and Whitney, I would have had to sit my friend down and tell him how I felt.
This situation can be easily avoided. First, I surround myself with people with drastically different taste than me. That, way there is less temptation. Your friends should be your wingmen, not your competition. Second, I only mess with hoes in different area codes. Haha. No, but seriously, just remember, that bros really should come before hoes. (Unless said "hoe" is a grade A, top of the line, dime...then all bets are off. Every man for themselves!)

Brothers from Another Mother

Yesterday my sister in law and I were talking about different cultures. She told me that before she came to the US, Brits, Aussies and Americans all sounded the same to her. I talked about how all Asians used to look and sound the same until I knew some and now I can definitely distinguish between different nationalities. This got me thinking about how white people are always comparing me to other black folk that look nothing like me.

Case in point. The other day I was at Solstice, trying on some sunglasses (they were Armani and Tom Ford. Both looked pretty boss on me in case you wanted to get them for my birthday or new month's present). I was talking to the manager/an acquaintance of mine, when some lady ran up on me. First, don't do that to me. I am really jumpy and have no issue hitting a random woman in the face. Ok, that's a lie. I'd do it, but I'd feel guilty afterwards. Second, she was bossing me around being all "wait, try those on again! now the other ones!!" She was on the high of spending a few hundred on sunglasses, so I decided to amuse her. After pair number 1, she yells out "Lenny Kravitz!!" I then tried on the other ones and she yells out "Chris Rock!!" I was half tempted to make her try on her glasses and yell random white women at her: "Mary-Kate Olsen!! Anna Nicole! Cher! Michael Jackson!!"

Don't get me wrong, I am not mad at being called Lenny. I think he's good looking and a cool guy. I just don't think we look anything alike. The Chris Rock thing is whatever. I get that from people everywhere. I even looked at photos online to see if I was in denial. I still don't see it. I'd like to think that I'm unique. Maybe I'll start dating white people who think I look like hot, famous, black men. "See my man over there Ian? He's a dead ringer for that fine ass (insert name of random black male) and he's all mine! Holler!!"

Happy New Month!!

August is officially OVER! It really went by without too much fanfare. Initially I set out to be a better friend. I wanted to try to be better about staying connected with certain people that I have neglected. I also made August the month of forgiveness. I made it my point to forgive those who had pissed me off. Confucious says that having hate in your heart is like holding a hot coal in your bare hand that you plan to throw at someone. Basically hate is toxic and will do nothing good for you. With that mind set, and some liquid courage, I was able to text a blast from my past. We met for lunch and we hashed out a lot of things- some good, some bad (I almost had to get loud a couple times). Overall it was a good experience, as I got closure and got questions answered that I'd been left with. Now I'm pretty confident that we can be friends. If not, I know that it's not my fault and that I've at least tried. That hot coal has been extinguished and I feel so much better.

Now we move on to September. This month I was unsure of what I wanted to accomplish. These past couple of weeks I have been feeling that ansty feeling that comes around every couple months. I get bored with everything that is goign on in my life and I usually cure this antsy feeling by going on a trip. Sadly, I am broke and have no time to take any trips right now. Instead, I have come to conclusion that I need to focus on trying new things. It can be as simple as taking a different class at the gym or eating at a new restaurant, but I need to find a way to break the monotany. Now is the time to step up and step outside of my comort zone.

So here's to this month being better than the last!

Slang Lesson

Now that Labour Day is about wrapping up and summer is basically over, I thought this word would totally appropriate. Without further ado, I present the word for the day:

SQUIRRELIN'- verb
1.) To acquire numerous romantic prospects to ensure a cuddle buddy during the upcoming colder weather.


This word comes to us courtesy of Max Jones, my best friend. During the fall and winter months Max and his friends noticed the trend of people lining up ass for the cold months. Like a squirrel gathering nuts so he'll have something to feast on during a rough winter, so do busy bees.

Feel free to work this into your daily conversations.

Sol Angel

It is no secret that I openly stan for Beyonce. What may be a little less known is the fact that I have actually liked her sister Solange since the beginning. I'm not one of these Johnny Come Lately types that are all up on her ovaries because she has a popular song out. I am pretty sure if was me and her extended family that bought her first record. If you are feeling adventurous, check out the song "Crush" It was produced by the Neptunes and I have always liked the general vibe of the song.
I went out and bought Solange's newest cd, Solange Presents: Sol-angel and the Hadley St. Dreams. Yay for Target having it for 6.98! I was a bit nervous about the whole thing because people were comparing it to Amy Winehouse. I love Amy, but I just think people need to stop doing the same ish over and over. Plus Amy has the pipes that seem to work with that throwback sound, whereas Solange is um, a good dancer. At any rate, Solo seems committed to really doing this new project right. She worked with Cee-Lo of Goodie Mob and the more famous Gnarls Barkley as well as the Neptunes. Mark Ronson, who brought back this whole Motown sound has a song on there as well. Here's a quick blow by blow:

1.) God Given Name- She's talking about the pressure of living up to people's expectations. Not too much reading between the lines on this song. "I'm no 'sister' I'm just my God-given name"
2.)T.O.N.Y.- A song about a one night stand that she regrets. People regret those? Hm. Interesting. Kidding.
3.) Dancing in the Dark- I like the beat of this song. The horns in the backround are catchy. It's fun and makes me want to jerk it out (the dance, you suck fucks)
4.) Would've Been the One- This sounds like Little Jackie (in a good way) it's a catchy song.
5.)Sandcastle Disco-the beginning reminds me of "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John. She is talking about being tough on the outside but compares herself to a sandcastle that can be blown away. I love it.
6.) I Decided Pt 1-This is the single that everyone Hasn't heard. It's the original. It's stripped down to a hand clap backing. She is giving us some raw emotion on this song. I think it's at the very top of her vocal register. It works.
7.)Valentine's Day- This song is whatever for me. It almost would have been better as a shorter interlude.
8.) 6 O'Clock Blues- I love the groove of this track. This is the Mark Ronson track and it's pretty evident that he really knows what he's doing with this genre. It sounds pretty effortless. IT reminds me of the Staple Singers for some reason.
9.) Ode to Marvin- Is this supposed to be her modern day "What's Goin On?" It's alright, but not nearly effective as Marvin. Hoe, sit down.
10.) I Told You So- It feels like she's really trying to show off whatever vocal chops she thinks she has. The beat is simple enough to let her shine.
11.) Cosmic Journey- This song is tripped out. If I did drugs I'd say that this would be a song to smoke a joint to and contemplate your navel. I really like this track though.
12.) This Bird- Another trippy track. It sounds like she kinda jacked Amel Larrieux's thing on this song, but it's alright. I ain't mad.
13.) I Decided Part II- Same song as before, but Freemason's punched the beat up a bit.

Overall, I'd have to give this effort three snaps (fo' the kids, of course) in a circle.

Pop Culture Meets Politics

OK,
so I'm not one to discuss politics. It's not that I'm super uniformed, it's just that when I was a young child, my mom told me never to discuss money, politics or religion. OK, that was a lie. I think I learned it from a reality show (Rich Girls on MTV maybe?) or a book. At any rate, I always have followed that. I find that those topics can cause for uncomfotable situations. Case in point, a friend of mine who will not be named (this is where I would usually name that person, but I won't) got super pissed when talking about politics when he was the only republican and felt attacked. He then went on to say some rude things and I ALMOST checked his ass, but then I decided to keep it moving.
With that being said, I am going to quickly comment on Sen. McCain's choice in VP. Everyone else seems to be super shocked by the announcement of a woman as his running mate. Me? Please. I was shocked he played it so safe. My choice for him was the lady in the photo to the right. Yes, it's Anissa from MTV's the Real World. I thought she would be perfect to combat Obama's blackness. She is a Black, Jewish, lesbian with a wonk eye. She appeals to everyone that McCain has missed. I have seen her naked numerous times on Real World and her challenge shows so I feel like I'm closer to her. I don't think I'm alone in this feeling. Wouldn't you rather have your homegirl in the White House instead of some broad whose name I am JUST hearing for the first time. I mean really, who the F is she? Does she party? Does she threaten to knock bitches out? Who knows, but I know for sure Anissa does. That's the kinda girl I want in the White House.

Fashion Minute

I saw a grown ass man wearing a bookbag with Lil' Wayne painted on it. The hell?! I cannot and will not stand for that fuckery. I mean, I don't get it. If you are over the age of umm, let's see, 6, you should not rock clothing and accessories that look like they are arts and crafts projects from summer camp. I am gonna ask the ladies out there to do a me a favour and keep this man and anyone else participating in this mess away from your coochie. Maybe that'll teach them not to dress like that.
The same day I saw that mess, I saw this chick wearing some jeans with writing and crap all over it. I mean really. I felt like I was in Disturbia for a minute. Had she been wearing a girbaud tee shirt and a scrunchie, I for sure would have known that I had been time warped back to seventh grade. Alas, she was not, so I figured that she just didn't have a clue. That, or she doesn't love herself. Eh, I vote for both!

You Can Pay for School

BUT YOU CANNOT BUY CLASS! Y'all like that one, don't cha? I would love to take credit for that one, but that one comes courtesy of Jay Z. That quote is pretty awesome and it actually came into play yesterday.
So this week marks the beginning of the fall semester. I recently began taking classes at UCF (Orlando has a Univsersity, y'all. Who would have known?!) and was all good to go. During a mass group registration, I signed up for Bio II, Chem II and Immunology. I went to class on Monday and Bio and Chem both seemed uber familar. I checked my transcript and realised that I had taken classes fairly similar to those at Uof Illinois. Awesome, right? WRONG. Yesterday I had to print up course descriptions, take them to my advisor and have him put in some paper in hopes of me getting credit for them. Then, I dropped those two classes, leaving me with 3 credit hours this semester. I was told to try to take physiology. Easy right? NO

I'll save you all the details, but here was my day in a nutshell:
-Ian logs on and tries to register, but cannot as the university has not yet ackknowledged his taking bio I and chem I.
-Ian goes to the science office and is told to go across campus to another office
*repeat this step about 15x Oh, and make sure it's literally 105 f'ing degrees outside.

Needless to say when I got to my final and correct destination, I was hot, sweaty and NOT pleased. The girl was like "So have you taken bio and chem I?" so I give her a recap and tell her what my advisor tells me to tell her. She then gives a snide laugh and is like "umm, I just needed to know if you took bio and chem" *giggles again* She is lucky that I was suffering from sunstroke and exhaustion at that point and couldn't sass her immediately. Instead I gave her my famous Renee Zelwegger "it hurts to smile" smile that I give to people when I want them to see that even though I'm smiling I'm saying "die bitch, die!" on the inside. I met with an advisor who yelled at me for registering last minute and lectured me about how little time we had (there was 1 spot left in the class at the time) I'm thinking "shut the hell up and type!" Luckily, I remembered that I needed this woman and I kept it classy. Whenever I felt myself reaching for my 'berry so I could throw it at her, I remembered two things:
1.) I need her to get into this class
2.) this phone isn't paid for yet
3.) This broad was fiesty and wouldn't hesitate to cut your boy (i know it's three, but whatever.)

I left campus feeling burnt out, annoyed and moist (not in the good way) I went to my brother and sister in law's house and hung out for awhile. I held my niece, KoKo Lee. My sister in law made me hold her. I am terrified of holding babies as I fear that I'll drop them. I did alright though. She smiled. She cried. She pooped. It felt like the rest of the world was pooping on me, so why shouldn't she. Well she didn't actually do it on me, I was just holding her while she did the do, but still you get my dramatic point.

Loving Her Long Time

Ok, so the other day on MTV.com, I was reading/watching this story about Mariah Carey and they were talking about whether or not her song "I'll Be Loving You Long Time" is offensive to Asians. The story was whatever and featured an overly dramatic Margaret Cho, but it got me thinking about how ridiculous Mariah is. Now don't get me wrong, I mean "ridiculous" in the best possible way. I think she's pretty f'ing amazing. The other day I was talking to someone who's identity I shall protect (ok, it was Luis) and he said that he hated Mariah. He called her a bitch. I then defended her and said "she's a crazy bitch, but she is no bitch!" You F with MiMI, you F with E-E (me) Ok, so I went to FourFour and found this clip of someone who gets Mariah's craziness as much as I do. Viva la diva loca!

Super Freak!

I would like to share a true story from my life:

On Saturday, I was off and my roomate's parents came by to help her clean up the place a bit. (yay for cleaning) I left and went to the gym in an attempt to get it tight(er) and right(er). When I came back I talked to my roomate's parents and they left a little while after that. At that time, my roomate, told me a story about an awkward situation that occurred when cleaning out her closet:

So apparently my roomate, like every red blooded American, has things in her closet that a parent need not see. She went into the closet and made sure she hid such things before her mom came to help her clean. One of these items happened to have been a bright green strip of about 5 or six condoms. This was placed behind a laundry basket that was sure to remain untouched. Wrong. My roomate's mother moved the basket to organise the closet and my roomate saw the strip of condoms and immediately said that they were mine. She didn't name our other roomate that just moved out and who is dead to us, but me! She alleged that I gave her the condoms to hide from my boo. (at the time of publication I am VERY single) So this leads to two possible assumptions:

1.) I am a freaky man whore who is trying to hide his shady activities
2.) I buy condoms but instead of using them, I hide them in the closet next door

I was totally kidding about making "Freak Like Me" my theme song. I'm not even like that. I haven't had a need for condoms since like the 80s. It matters not, as my roomate's mother probably only sees me as some Rick James super freak now. Awesome. I get all the stigma of being busy without the benefits.

Double Side Eye!

Ok, so I know that I am straight jacking Crunk and Disorderly's idea of the side eye photos, but I cannot resist. I found this awesome picture from the night that we went out to celebrate Mike's (aka Little Number)birthday. He wasn't there, so I drank for him. Please notice that I am giving SOMEONE who shall not be named a look that screams "Why are you touching me? I'm TRYING to enjoy my drank!" Oh it doesn't end there, y'all, as Luis is serving up his own serving of side eye. Between the two of us, we got the whole dance floor covered. Scott, meanwhile is staring into the camera/our souls. Deep. Real Deep.

It's Official

I officially don't hate Cassie.
So when Cassie's song "Official Girl" leaked a few months back, I was like "Is she still trying to sang? Does she not understand the concept of One Hit Wonder?" (Ok, I'm kinda frontin' I actually liked the leaked tracks "Turn the Lights Off" and "In Love with the DJ") The track is interesting thanks to Danja and after listening to the song a few times, I actually noticed the lyrics. The Clutch wrote this song and I love almost everything they write.
Anyway, The video just came out a few days ago and I have to admit that the song is growing on me. She looks blazing in it. Cassie's been getting flack for rocking that Aaliyah vibe (see: bikini tops, pants, leather, sunglasses, long hair) I don't think she's that dumb. I think she's just trying to show off as much skin as possible to distract us from her singing. It's not that it's bad...it just isn't good. Lil Wayne is on the track too, which for me is whatever. I think we need to see other people for a minute and let our relationship breathe. His ass is everywhere. Sit down and drink a Snapple Weezy.

Throwback Joint: Up Jumps Da Boogie

Today's throwback joint comes from a time a long, long time ago (1997) when things were very different.

-Aaliyah was alive and setting the trends that broads today are trying to jack (I see you Cassie!)

-Missy was thick and rocking Finga Waves for days. I love her verse in this song. "I hang low like testicles" Really, who says that?

-Timbaland wasn't as ummm, familiar with the steroids back then.

Anyway, enjoy

Side Eye!

Ok, so I have been a fan of the blog Crunk and Disorderly for quite some time now. It's like Perez Hilton, but for black folks. One feature on there is "Side-Eye Fever" It has photos of celebs and everyday people giving side eyes. What is a side eye you ask? Look at the above photo of the latest addition to my family, Miss KoKo Lee. (No that ain't her government name, but that's what I'm calling her) Notice the look of "I don't know you! Why are you so damn close to me?! Back up, son!" That, boys and girl is a side eye. If you're ever bored and want a laugh, check out this site:

http://side-eye-fever.crunktastical.net/

Throwback Joint: Freak Like Me

I forgot how much I enjoyed Adina Howard. I was listening to Beyonce's first CD and she has a song that I used to think sampled Freak Like Me. Turns out Adina sampled this from Bootsy Collins. And to think, I thought she was so innovative! Well, I guess she is responsible for the "Pump Pump!" At any rate, this song is raunchy as hell, and I love it. Hell, I might even make it my new theme song.

New Monica: Still Standing

This is the new Monica song. She had a reality show showing her trying to bounce back after a flop of an album and avoid Amerie-dom. I love this song and it's inspired me to make a new playlist of inspirational,dust yourself off songs. I needed something to get me down from the ledge after listening to "Breakups to Breakdowns" I like her talking in the beginning. It makes me feel like I'm at church. Well, if my pastor said "real talk" and "mama" Ok, forget it.