VM HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAys

Ok, so it's that time of year again when MTV tries to have an awards show that doesn't suck. THey used to be good once upon a time, but then BET came along and starting kicking ass. Last year's show sucked hardcore (and not in a good way) so the pressure is on to well, not suck (that much) Britney has been tapped to open the show. Glad to see her awake and aware of her surroundings this year! What a difference a day (and a court making her father handle her business/life) makes! Everyone made a big deal about Britney opening the VMAS, but it's all about RI Ri!! I know's there a god!

Rihanna comes out in this contraption that looks like she's popping out of a wedding cake or erupting out of a volcano. It's pretty different. She's so dark and different. There, I said it. Are you happy? I am one of RiRi's biggest stans, but I must say that she sounds kind of horrible. I guess thinking about being so different and edgy can take a toll on one's voice. ALSO, is she rocking a mullet? I cannot and WILL not endorse that fuckery! I prefer RiRi when she's giving us edgy pretty intead of this black barbie does to a Marilyn Manson concert.

This Russell character starts the show off by talking about politics. Vote for Barack! That's an easy ploy for applause. It seemed to have work. Music industry types are easy to win over I guess. Did he just make reference to Madonna getting it on with A Rod's baseball bat? Ew. I don't need that. I'm trying to eat my frosty y'all.

Britney wins the first VMA of the night and it's her first one ever. Who didn't see that coming? I bet they promised her that award and some Wendy's if she'd show up. They'd have to promise my ass something after last year's awards. I DO love the Wendy's! I see you Cirius!! (that's the awesome employee that works at the Wendy's across the street from me. She has purple hair but doesn't need it. I was smitten at Cirius)

This is my first exposure to the Jonas brothers and I'm not sure if I can explain what's going on inside of me. Is it possible for a VMA performance to make my balls shrivel up? I don't get it. This is creepier than Rihanna's "Disturbia" performance. Oh wait, it just got a little less boring. They opened the floodgates and now screaming girls and homosexual boys are going nuts for them.

Speaking of the gays, I am sure they love Katy Perry's dress. It has a bedazzled banana that she was able to peel!! WOW.

Lil' Wayne-hella dramatic intro by Leonna Lewis. I have to admit, he is a monster. Without a hype man yelling "clap ya hands!!" and being a general pain in the ass, he is able to keep the attention of my ADD ass.

PCD wins best dance video. Yay. Where the F is Mikey "My Lipgloss is Poppin'" Minden? He is the real star of the group. His zesty ass cracked me up on the PCD reality shows. Nicole didn't let the other broads talk. Typical.

Parramore-I don't see any black folks in the audience so i'm not going to comment on them. It's clear that Parramore and President Bush do not care about black people. Kidding. They gave a high energy performance and she sounds pretty good. Points for the banana yellow pants.

Miley introduces P!nk and I just love her speaking voice. She reminds me of every raspy voiced Theta I went to college with. I have a major thing for raspy voices. I wish I had one. P!nk's song is so damn catchy. I love it. It gets me going everytime. It makes me want to do the Kelly Clarkson "Since U Been Gone" bounce. Her tig ol bitty tried to make a run for it and i saw some sort of covering over her nip. It looks like bejewed duct tape. Classy.

What in the high hell has Jordin Sparks been sippin on? She is carrying a torch for the Jonas brothers or something, because she just snapped and said there's nothing wrong with wearing promise rings because "not everyone wants to be a slut" Simmer down. What you do with your coochie pot is your choice. Your coochie, your choice. Coochie! Damn, I love that word.

TI and Rihanna-The first song was a bore, but I have to give it to RiRi. She looked blazing when she struck her pose and made her entrance. This is the RiRi I know and love. She looks bossy as hell and I'm not even gonna rag on that blond cinnabon looking thing in the front of her hair. I'mma leave it alone. She sounds much better this time around.

XTina- Damn she looks good. New mothers all over the world are probably cussing her tiny ass out right now. This is exactly what Britney should have done last year--reminded us that she's been around for a decade and has had hits for days. Xtina has seemed to learn the art of lip synching from Brit. This song reminds me of Kiley Minogue. I like the song.

Britney wins best Pop video?! The hell?! Now I KNOW something ain't right. DK's 'DAMAGED" was way catchier and did better on the charts. How is MTV making their decisions? I just don't get it. It's not right and it certainly is NOT okay. I am sure when Aubrey has her meltdown, which is due any moment now, MTV will pump DK up and give them awards. ALso, please note that even thought Britney is cleaned up, she is still smacking her gum. She's so country y'all!! I bet she has Cheetos dust under her fingernails. On the upside, she wins Video of the year and her ass looks amazing.

Kanye- At first watch, I'm not sure I really get it. He sings now? Who knew. And for the recrod, the T Pain/Britney vocoder thing can really sit down for a minute. By the end of the song I think I was liking it. the performance was cunty and dramatic, much like Kanye.

Overall this show was waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than last year's. That doesn't say much, but whatever.