Why I'm Single: I Work Retail Part 1

Everyone loves to ask me why I'm single, so I decided to look deep within and figure it the hell out! By this time next year I expect to be boo'ed up with someone and trying my hardest to make single people feel badly about themselves. Today's reason #3453453 is: I work retail. Sounds simple enough, but I'm sure a bunch of people out there either 1.) haven't worked retail or 2.) Don't see the connection. For these people, I will dig a little deeper...

So yeah, I work retail and have for most of my life. I have had a few stints at being a waiter, but it's pretty much been retail all the way. I do visual merchandising, which means I am expected to get most of my work done when the store is closed. Think magical elves dress mannequins, move product, paint walls, and execute windows? Then you are right!! Well if magical elves are 6'1" black men named Ian. In fact, I take that back, you aren't right. You are just dumb. Dumb as hell. Ok, so with my job description comes an ever changing schedule. I am a slave to workload. When visual type things need to get done, I am either working at 5am or overnight from 9p-6a. Beyond that, I am also working on the floor, which means I can have shifts during the hours when we are open. Pretty much I work whatever they tell me to work. So here are a few interactions that are possible

What's the point? It's hard to make plans. I don't have weekends off and I can never have set nights to do certain things (ie Taco Tuesdays or Thursday Bowling)

Potential Suitor: Hey wanna go out next week Wed?
Ian: Not sure..I don't know my schedule yet
PS: Oh ok, well I will go after this unfortunate fuck next to you because he knows he works 8-5 m-f

or

PS: Let's go away this weekend to Miami!
Ian: I work weekends, how about Tuesday and Wednesday?

or

PS: Hey, I know you are off at 8 tonight, want to do dinner and drinks?
Ian: true, but I have to be back at 5am tomorrow, so howabout you come over and just tuck me in?
PS: wanna hookup?
Ian: Probably not, I need to be up in a few hours and need my energy. We have windows that are going to be a bitch!!

PS: I would love for you to come home and meet my parents during Christmas
Ian: I think I have like 4 hours I can squeeze in. Can we do like a 5a-9a on Christmas morning? I have to be home and i bed so I can work at the crack of dawn the next day


So you can see how frustrating it has to be to try to date me. And keep in mind that's before you even have to deal with my antics and my diva ways. I don't blame people. I guess the logical thing to do would be to date someone else in retail, but that is like getting the stars to align or getting Rihanna to wear pants: it might happen, but it's not going to happen often. Another option would be to date someone without a job. TLC taught me well. I don't want no muthafuckin scrubs! I'm trying to retire early and be a man of leisure. How am I supposed to do that when homie doesn't have a job? HUH?! Plus I have dated someone without a job and it was annoying. He had too much free time and would text me every 12 minutes. On top of that, it made me angry being at work, when he was out and about doing nothing. I guess I was seeking some company in my misery.

Anyway, so now when you see a smart, funny, good looking guy who is single, stop before asking " why are you single!?" and instead think "Hmm, I wonder if he works retail?"