An Open Letter to Heidi Klum and Seal

Dear Seidi,

First, I should say sorry for that attempt at a celebrity mashup name. It really didn't work. Furthermore, I HATE celebrity mashup names. That should just show you how distraught I am as I am writing this. Now onto business. Last night I was online looking up something (Ok, my friend Mike told me to look up Travis Barker's penis online) on a pop gossip site and I saw a headline saying "Heidi to file for divorce from Seal" I didn't believe it. I mean, just minutes earlier the internet was blowing up about Joe Paterno dying. Then he wasn't dead. I had my fill of emotional roller coasters fueled by internet bullshit.

Imagine the scene this morning as I am lounging in bed trying to think of a reason to leave bed early. I am cuddled up and I start reading about how Roseanne is attacking Beyonce fans. I start doing research on the topic and yet again come across divorce stories about you two. I got this one from a different source that seemed a bit more reputable. I mean, MediaTakeOut.com has NO credibility with me, so that is why I initially blew it off. Shit got REAL. All this before 9:15, mind you! I immediately had to take to my computer to write out a letter to you both, on why you should make it work. Ok, that's kind of a lie, I made some oatmeal first. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I do my best thinking when I am full or drunk. Social norms state that 9am is too early to be drunk, so I chose food.

Heidi and Seal, I love you as a couple. Heidi, you are beautiful in every sense of the word and your body still bangs HARD after what, 58 kids? Seal was there for you when you were left high and dry by that millionaire while you were fat (some would say pregnant, but whatever) and has loved you ever since. He even went along with your over the top Halloween costumes. I mean, I don't think I have ever been in love enough to want to do a costume with my partner. SEAL LOVED YOU! Plus, he gave you a bunch of kids. He is quite virile and you seem to like to be pregnant. I don't see what the problem is. Plus I'm guessing Seal is banging and slanging because you used to love talking about how great the sex was. It was almost too much. Nope, I stand corrected: it was TOTALLY too much.

Seal, you sang "Kiss from a Rose" which I still love. Being featured on a Batman soundtrack is the way to my heart I suppose. Let's just face it. You have a nice body and a nice voice, but you aren't traditionally hot. I don't know if you can bag someone much hotter than Heidi. The fear of a downgrade should be enough to keep a marriage together.

You both serve as a template for a great, blended family. You give interracial couples something for which they can strive to be. Hell, you give "ugly" dudes hope that they can end up with the pretty girl. Baby mamas get a message that yes someone will still love you and your baby that isn't his. Pretty much this marriage is much bigger than either of you. I suggest you two take a mini vacation away from the press and your 34234320 children. Reconnect and get back to why you two fell for one another in the first place. If it was Heidi's VS Angel body and Seal's mandingo, then go with it. Sex/Babies are great ways to keep a marriage together. That may have been a blatant lie, but I'm to the point where I will say whatever to keep you two a couple. I'm really just hoping that this was false information and that you are happy and having sex as I type this.


Sincerely,

Ian

p.s. I am not a baby mama nor do I consider myself ugly. I guess I would fall into the category of a fan of the swirl.

New Video: Stupid Ho

OK,
so Nicki went ahead and made a video for this song. I am really surprised as it seems like something off a mixtape. I don't see it getting played on the radio since it's pretty raunchy. I will say that I'm not really LOVING the singles I have been hearing from her. I feel like she can and needs to do a little better. I will say that the video is interesting. I was shocked I made it through it without having a seizure, but I attribute to being so distracted by Nicki's donk. Her makeup looks really good (shoutout to the MAC endorsement) and her wig collection is on point. I hope all of those bald headed women who sacrificed their hair know that it has been fried and dyed and now lays on Nicki's side, what an honour!

I must say that at this point, I feel that Nicki and Kim BOTH need to stop with the swipes at one another. It's just tired. Like Nicki is getting money, fame and is hanging with Madonna. And Kim, well she's dropping mixtapes that CRASH PayPal. Both of them are bad bitches. As a bad bitch, getting involved in petty squabbles is beneath you. You let them other hoes fight. That's been pretty much the saying that has kept me out of trouble and my mug in tact. I really would like Nicki to show me something beyond "Kim, why you mad?!" She always has such fun verses when she is a guest but then she kinda leaves me saying "eh.." on her own shit.

As for Hype Williams.. I just can't anymore. I mean, he was such an innovator and I feel like this would be good for someone else, but not Hype. It's decent. Maybe I need to just lower my expectations from him. I will say that bug eyed doll look was creepy and kind of cool. See, I am going to end this on a positive note.

Thankful and It's Not Even Thanksgiving!

So usually I don't get swept up in too many viral videos (Anything Shocantelle Brown excluded, obviously) but this video was something that really stuck out to me. I saw it posted on Facebook a few days ago and only today got around to watching it. I'm super glad that I watched it alone, as I cry hella easily. I'm not kidding. I get emotional watching Mary J Blige videos.

The video is a short documentary that talks about the struggle for gays to be seen as normal and equal people. IT touches upon the highs and the lows. It's interesting to see how much has changed, and how much remains to be changed. I guess that is what really resonated with me. I watched this a day after MLK day and so I was already in a space where I was thinking about things and just reflecting. A ten hour car ride alone will have that effect on a person.

Initially this post was just about how amazed at how far America has come. I mean, we have a Black president. I don't care your stance on politics (No, seriously. I don't. So shut up about it) you must admit that is a pretty significant thing. Hell even on a smaller level, I was thinking of my weekend spent in NOLA with my second family. They are White. I am not. I drove across multiple states to be with them and would do it again without hesitation, yet in MLKs day, people weren't allowed to mix like that. I guess that made me smile and think what great strides have been made.

I also then thought about being on Bourbon St, home to excessive drinking, sex shows and general fuckery. I would list the things that I have seen go down on that street, but I am an uncle and I'm trying to keep my blog classy and shit. So anyway, I'm walking down the street and I see two guys with conversation shirts on. I start reading, as I had seen some pretty ridic ones over the course of the weekend. On shirt #1, I read the word "retard" and stop reading as I knew I wouldn't find it funny. I was over this group of guys already, but my eye caught the second shirt, which read "God Hates Fags" I instantly tensed up as I HATE that word. I had a bunch of things running through my head:

1.) Where does someone buy these shirts? 1983? Is this vintage? A re-issue?
2.) Does God love people who make fun of "retards?"
3.) It seems a bit hypocritical to be on Bourbon St AKA sin central with a beer in hand with a shirt talking about God and what He wants
4.) Was this guy born a douchebag or did something happen to him to make him that way?

I had a bunch of questions and I really wanted answers. I didn't feel like making a big deal about it, so I didn't even point it out to the rest of my group. My friend Ashley saw it and got so heated. First I was upset that someone made her upset. Then I felt happy/proud knowing that a straight, white woman from a flat state had my back. For that I am thankful. For Martin's contributions, I am thankful. Even though I am filled with gratitude and feel that others should be as well, I think that people need to not get complacent and always work towards a society where people treat each better. I know that sounds like some hippie bullshit, but it's coming from me and I can't stand patchouli, so there.

Dieting Divas: A Cause for Concern?

So I don't know if you are all aware that we have a cause that I need your help supporting. What cause is this? Child Obesity? Naw Michelle Obama has that. Animal rights? No, Peta scares me. Sweatpants? I'd probably have to quit my job to fight this one 24/7. The issue I speak of is the dieting diva. I am all about health and all that crap, but I feel like chunk helps the vocals. When you think of a diva in the operatic sense, you think of a fat woman rocking a viking helmet. Well at least I do.

Now, I know there are some people out there who are going to say "Ian, weight has nothing to do with vocal abilities" To those people I say "shut the hell up and go play in traffic! Don't come for me!" I get it. Christina Aguilera came out weighing 98lbs dripping wet and belting with the best of them. Mariah used to be thin. Then she got chunky. Now she's thin. Whitney is thin (and I think you and I BOTH know why...) and claimed that she will NEVER be fat as it is unhealthy. Funny enough, her face is looking REAL chubby at these times. I just guess I look at Luther Vandross. I felt like skinny Luther sounded different than team chunk Luther. It may sound crazy, but then again so is half of the shit that comes out of my mouth. Is it wrong that I want to keep these voices in good condition while also preventing the bobble head look? I'm staring DEAD at you Jennifer Hudson.

I blame Jennifer Hudson for all of this. She kicked it off with her Weight Watchers campaign. IT was so successful, that my friend's mom who lives in the middle of a flat state was inspired to give it a try. Now we have Mariah for Jenny. She looks great as seen in the above photo. Now even Janet is on board with Nutri System. She is a notorious yo-yo dieter, so this should be interesting. But Janet is a dancer so she has an unfair advantage over the others who simply wave their hands about in the air.

I probably shouldn't be so alarmed by this trend and instead should be excited about the fact that these people are trying to stay relevant and create a buzz which means that they might be plotting a return while Beyonce tries to figure out the physics of doing the choreography for "Single Ladies" while wearing a baby bjorn. Please just marinate on that mental image for a bit. I will just wait over here... I really hope these women are coming out with music that will impress me, which is will be even harder given my "skinny bitches probably can't cook/sing" mentality. So to them, I say: BRING. IT. ON.

Also, can I just recommend that if Aretha decides to endorse some weight loss program that she uses Mariah's "Touch My Body" as her song selection. That would really make my life complete.

Why I'm Single: The Ninja Blender

For Christmas, I received a gift from the GODS!! OK, maybe it came courtesy of my friend/soulmate Ashley, but it was a heavenly gift nonetheless. What is this magical thing? A Snuggie? Girl, slap yourself! A unicorn!? Now you KNOW you can't transport those across state lines! It was a *Oprah voice* Ninja Master Prep Blender!! Holla.

You might be wondering how this blender differs from the one currently in my cabinet that I haven't used in well over a year. Well, this one had an infomercial. Anyone who knows me knows that I love me a good infomercial. I sit there hypnotized for hours on end watching how this glorious product will make the easiest of tasks even easier. When I was in college, I used to always go out, get drunk and then return to watch them late at night. Besides having an infomercial, this blender is just amazing. I could shave with the blades. IT comes with a large blender and then a smaller one to make dips and other delicious shit. Like what more could a zestleman on the go ask for?! (well, I would like a bedazzled one, but whatever..)

So how is this marvelous invention going to leave me single? Well, I am so entertained by it, that I really don't need any outside interaction. People are like "hey Ian, let's go to the movies!" I'm all "no thanks, I'm just gonna stay in and perfecIT'd bt my guacamole recipe" Or they are like "come over and let's have sex" and I'm like "Naw, I'm gonna make a milkshake instead" Hell even today I was talking to my girl Avalon and the conversation went like this:

I: Oh, I think I want a smoothie!
A: OK
I: Hmm.. would is be wrong to put wine in it?
A: It's noon
I: Not the question...what do you think?
A: IT'd be gross. Don't do it
I: It would totally be like frozen sangria! IF I want to be like a Real Housewife, I need to be about my day drinking!
A: Well if it's not yogurt based, then it might actually not be horrible..
I: Perfect! I've already done it
A: Please stop making sex sounds when you are drinking your boosie (copy written, don't copy her!)
I: I'll stop making the sex sounds when it stops being so damned delicious

end scene.

The moral of the story: this thing has lead me to day drink. Granted It was partly to finish off some wine before I go out of town, but still. Come on. No one wants to marry a booze hound. This ninja is making it hard for me to hide my Lindsay Lohan ways. I can't do the good old fashioned bait and switch, if my bait is soaked in red wine. At noon. On a Thursday. You feel me?

In addition to making me anti social, it's making me eat, which is a gay man's WORST nightmare! I live alone, and I'm making things like guacamole which needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Why else do you think Chipotle charges 234342.95 for a small container of it?! THey do it because they love us. I, on the other hand, apparently have no love for myself and eat avocado (one of the fattiest natural foods known to man) like it's my damned job.



So go ahead and add the ninja blender to the long list of why I am single. No one will love me when they find out I am a chubby, antisocial, alcoholic. Then again, maybe I can win them over with my bomb ass guacamole and my award winning (ok I just made that up) boosies!

New Music: Glory

So in the vein of so many artists before him, new father (well he is actually claiming this one) Jay Z has penned and recorded a song to celebrate the birth of his daughter, Blue Ivy. The song is a classic Jay track and I love it. I actually enjoy hearing him brag and boast, but it's nice to get a break and hear him being real. He opens up about the miscarriage the couple apparently endured. That is DEEP. It's actually just a beautiful thing to her him gush about this baby that he has only known for a couple days. My cold cold heart melted when I heard the realness of his delivery and his lyrics. I think this goes up there right next to Lauryn Hill's "Zion" which I think is an awesome song for a baby. Even though I am loving this song, I'm hoping that Jay doesn't trade "Money Cash Hoes" for "Diapers, Bottles and Binkies"


Is it weird that I really want to write a song or poem and have my mom perform it as her own. I really don't feel special that my birth didn't warrant some expression of art. Like come on now! I think my mom tells it that after giving birth to me she was all "time to get my tubes tied!" THat story doesn't really send the message of "I just birthed a gift from above. World prepare to be amazed!" I think I'll get to crafting that song right now! Well, first I'm going to nap and make a snack then I'll get right on it!

An Open Letter To Mama B

Dear Beyonce Giselle (Yes, I'm using your middle name because this shit is SERIOUS)

I need you to imagine the shock and surprise that I felt this Saturday night/early Sunday morning when I returned from a night of hoe shit in the club to read that you had given birth! I was like "oh hell naw! Not even a text?! I have to find out like this?!" Cold blooded, Bey. I couldn't even be sure it was real. You really whipped up the world (not just the zestlemen community) when you finally announced your pregnancy on the VMAs. Just thinking of your glow and the way you sang your ass off still brings a smile to my face. Right before the new year, it was reported via Twitter that you had given birth. I wasn't phased. I mean, Mediatakeout.com confirmed that. I think we BOTH know that site is a joke and is not to be taken seriously. In addition, my girl had seen your sister shopping in her store for random shit and I know if MY sister were to be birthing hip hop royalty, I would not be at Restoration Hardware looking for a new shower curtain. Don't they have assistants for that?

People were desperate for this baby. I find this funny since many of those people who were needing this birth to happen didn't really think you were pregnant. MTV was even desperate enough to cite a New York psychic. Umm, when did that become a credible source of news? He said you were going to give birth to a baby BOY to be named something like Jaylen to honour your husband. I found that husband, since your husband's name is Sean. That'd be like T-Pain's baby's mama naming a child Tepania, to celebrate her husband's name. Usually people tend to go with birth names, not stage ones. Now that I've put it out there I'm guessing there are probably a few Tepania's out there. That makes me sad inside and out.

OK, so let's get to it. You poppped out a baby girl! Kelendria was right! Now, let's have some real talk. I need you to put on your Oprah wig and lean in REAL close so you can take in a few points.

-Blue Ivy? sounds kind of like a club. I'm not mad about the name though. You were bound to be dammed either way. Like Jennifer Carter? People would call you boring. You are a bad bitch (excuse my French) and I feel like your daughter needs a name that is an unique as yours is (Well was. Now there are Beyonce's, Biances, and Beyonsays galore I'm sure) I'm guessing Mama Tina knew you were the bad bitch so she gave you the fantastical, icon status name. Solange, well, umm, let's stay on task here.

-I think the whole IVy thing is actually kind of cute. I was trying to figure out how you'd incorporate 4 into your birth process. I know you were probably heated you didn't give birth on 1/4/12, but whatever. MY grandma's name is Ivy, so I think highly of it. I'm already hearing Illuminati's Very Youngest from dumb ass people. Like seriously. If you are down with them, I would at least hope you'd be a bit more creative.

-Blue has actually grown on me as well. I think I can handle that more than your girl Gwennyth's "Apple" That shit is still stupid as hell to me. I guessing your hanging around with her made you feel like you could dust off your "I'm so different banner" and wave that bad boy high and proud. I'm ok with that.

-Ok so Blue Ivy. I'm really hoping you learn from people's mistakes. Let's look at Laurence Fisbourne: his daughter is crazy as hell now and is now doing porn. The man is an accomplished, respected actor and his daughter felt the need to slang her poonanny at the highest bidder? I mean, I know she went with Vivid, which is special, but come on... Moral of the story, keep an eye on that girl. Money doesn't mean that she won't end up stripping or doing porn. Plus, with a name like Blue Ivy, you are really setting her up well.

-Ok, now let's turn our attention to one Bobbi Kristina, child of R&B singing sensation and Whitney Houston. Tee hee! I got jokes, Bey! No, but seriously, Whitney is so pretty, and has a legendary voice. Bobby can sing too and can perform his ass off. High expectations for their spawn, right? Well, BK ended up looking like Bobby with long hair. She even has his gap. Her voice is decent and she apparently is now trying to get into music. Lesbi-honest. She won't ever be Whitney. Hell, she probably won't even do what Bobby did. They set the bar hella high. I feel like BK felt the pressure early on and started to rebel. She was on Myspace (name: Nympho Baby. <---I can't make this shit up) smoking weed and doing shit that kids do. Moral of the story? Crack is whack! Don't get on it, and raise your damned child. Also. send her to the Alps to be raised by monks so she isn't exposed to all the fuckery that fame brings.

-Before we move on from BK, let's just pause and say a quick prayer to hope that Blue Ivy ends up looking a LOT like you and not so much Jay. I mean, today at work, a coworker said "no, babies are cute! They have little noses and.." That's when I cut her off. I mean seriously! The child of Jay Z has a strong chance of having a massive nose to face ratio. But I'm looking at your dad and he's not that good looking, so I'm guessing that Mama Tina's creole DNA is STRONG. Maybe she has some creole secrets or spices she could share with you, but I'd hit her up sooner rather than later.




I will let you go, as I know you have shit to do. I get it. I just look forward to actually seeing your child for the first time (at least I hope I will want to actually see her) Love your child and I'm sure she'll turn out fine. But while you are loving that child and in between feeding sessions, can you get back to the studio and give me the music that I need o get through life? That was hella dramatic, but I needed to get your attention, now that I have to compete with Baby Blue.


XOXO

Ian