Why I'm Single: The Ninja Blender

For Christmas, I received a gift from the GODS!! OK, maybe it came courtesy of my friend/soulmate Ashley, but it was a heavenly gift nonetheless. What is this magical thing? A Snuggie? Girl, slap yourself! A unicorn!? Now you KNOW you can't transport those across state lines! It was a *Oprah voice* Ninja Master Prep Blender!! Holla.

You might be wondering how this blender differs from the one currently in my cabinet that I haven't used in well over a year. Well, this one had an infomercial. Anyone who knows me knows that I love me a good infomercial. I sit there hypnotized for hours on end watching how this glorious product will make the easiest of tasks even easier. When I was in college, I used to always go out, get drunk and then return to watch them late at night. Besides having an infomercial, this blender is just amazing. I could shave with the blades. IT comes with a large blender and then a smaller one to make dips and other delicious shit. Like what more could a zestleman on the go ask for?! (well, I would like a bedazzled one, but whatever..)

So how is this marvelous invention going to leave me single? Well, I am so entertained by it, that I really don't need any outside interaction. People are like "hey Ian, let's go to the movies!" I'm all "no thanks, I'm just gonna stay in and perfecIT'd bt my guacamole recipe" Or they are like "come over and let's have sex" and I'm like "Naw, I'm gonna make a milkshake instead" Hell even today I was talking to my girl Avalon and the conversation went like this:

I: Oh, I think I want a smoothie!
A: OK
I: Hmm.. would is be wrong to put wine in it?
A: It's noon
I: Not the question...what do you think?
A: IT'd be gross. Don't do it
I: It would totally be like frozen sangria! IF I want to be like a Real Housewife, I need to be about my day drinking!
A: Well if it's not yogurt based, then it might actually not be horrible..
I: Perfect! I've already done it
A: Please stop making sex sounds when you are drinking your boosie (copy written, don't copy her!)
I: I'll stop making the sex sounds when it stops being so damned delicious

end scene.

The moral of the story: this thing has lead me to day drink. Granted It was partly to finish off some wine before I go out of town, but still. Come on. No one wants to marry a booze hound. This ninja is making it hard for me to hide my Lindsay Lohan ways. I can't do the good old fashioned bait and switch, if my bait is soaked in red wine. At noon. On a Thursday. You feel me?

In addition to making me anti social, it's making me eat, which is a gay man's WORST nightmare! I live alone, and I'm making things like guacamole which needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Why else do you think Chipotle charges 234342.95 for a small container of it?! THey do it because they love us. I, on the other hand, apparently have no love for myself and eat avocado (one of the fattiest natural foods known to man) like it's my damned job.



So go ahead and add the ninja blender to the long list of why I am single. No one will love me when they find out I am a chubby, antisocial, alcoholic. Then again, maybe I can win them over with my bomb ass guacamole and my award winning (ok I just made that up) boosies!