Dear Seidi,
First, I should say sorry for that attempt at a celebrity mashup name. It really didn't work. Furthermore, I HATE celebrity mashup names. That should just show you how distraught I am as I am writing this. Now onto business. Last night I was online looking up something (Ok, my friend Mike told me to look up Travis Barker's penis online) on a pop gossip site and I saw a headline saying "Heidi to file for divorce from Seal" I didn't believe it. I mean, just minutes earlier the internet was blowing up about Joe Paterno dying. Then he wasn't dead. I had my fill of emotional roller coasters fueled by internet bullshit.
Imagine the scene this morning as I am lounging in bed trying to think of a reason to leave bed early. I am cuddled up and I start reading about how Roseanne is attacking Beyonce fans. I start doing research on the topic and yet again come across divorce stories about you two. I got this one from a different source that seemed a bit more reputable. I mean, MediaTakeOut.com has NO credibility with me, so that is why I initially blew it off. Shit got REAL. All this before 9:15, mind you! I immediately had to take to my computer to write out a letter to you both, on why you should make it work. Ok, that's kind of a lie, I made some oatmeal first. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I do my best thinking when I am full or drunk. Social norms state that 9am is too early to be drunk, so I chose food.
Heidi and Seal, I love you as a couple. Heidi, you are beautiful in every sense of the word and your body still bangs HARD after what, 58 kids? Seal was there for you when you were left high and dry by that millionaire while you were fat (some would say pregnant, but whatever) and has loved you ever since. He even went along with your over the top Halloween costumes. I mean, I don't think I have ever been in love enough to want to do a costume with my partner. SEAL LOVED YOU! Plus, he gave you a bunch of kids. He is quite virile and you seem to like to be pregnant. I don't see what the problem is. Plus I'm guessing Seal is banging and slanging because you used to love talking about how great the sex was. It was almost too much. Nope, I stand corrected: it was TOTALLY too much.
Seal, you sang "Kiss from a Rose" which I still love. Being featured on a Batman soundtrack is the way to my heart I suppose. Let's just face it. You have a nice body and a nice voice, but you aren't traditionally hot. I don't know if you can bag someone much hotter than Heidi. The fear of a downgrade should be enough to keep a marriage together.
You both serve as a template for a great, blended family. You give interracial couples something for which they can strive to be. Hell, you give "ugly" dudes hope that they can end up with the pretty girl. Baby mamas get a message that yes someone will still love you and your baby that isn't his. Pretty much this marriage is much bigger than either of you. I suggest you two take a mini vacation away from the press and your 34234320 children. Reconnect and get back to why you two fell for one another in the first place. If it was Heidi's VS Angel body and Seal's mandingo, then go with it. Sex/Babies are great ways to keep a marriage together. That may have been a blatant lie, but I'm to the point where I will say whatever to keep you two a couple. I'm really just hoping that this was false information and that you are happy and having sex as I type this.
Sincerely,
Ian
p.s. I am not a baby mama nor do I consider myself ugly. I guess I would fall into the category of a fan of the swirl.
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