An Open Letter To Mama B

Dear Beyonce Giselle (Yes, I'm using your middle name because this shit is SERIOUS)

I need you to imagine the shock and surprise that I felt this Saturday night/early Sunday morning when I returned from a night of hoe shit in the club to read that you had given birth! I was like "oh hell naw! Not even a text?! I have to find out like this?!" Cold blooded, Bey. I couldn't even be sure it was real. You really whipped up the world (not just the zestlemen community) when you finally announced your pregnancy on the VMAs. Just thinking of your glow and the way you sang your ass off still brings a smile to my face. Right before the new year, it was reported via Twitter that you had given birth. I wasn't phased. I mean, Mediatakeout.com confirmed that. I think we BOTH know that site is a joke and is not to be taken seriously. In addition, my girl had seen your sister shopping in her store for random shit and I know if MY sister were to be birthing hip hop royalty, I would not be at Restoration Hardware looking for a new shower curtain. Don't they have assistants for that?

People were desperate for this baby. I find this funny since many of those people who were needing this birth to happen didn't really think you were pregnant. MTV was even desperate enough to cite a New York psychic. Umm, when did that become a credible source of news? He said you were going to give birth to a baby BOY to be named something like Jaylen to honour your husband. I found that husband, since your husband's name is Sean. That'd be like T-Pain's baby's mama naming a child Tepania, to celebrate her husband's name. Usually people tend to go with birth names, not stage ones. Now that I've put it out there I'm guessing there are probably a few Tepania's out there. That makes me sad inside and out.

OK, so let's get to it. You poppped out a baby girl! Kelendria was right! Now, let's have some real talk. I need you to put on your Oprah wig and lean in REAL close so you can take in a few points.

-Blue Ivy? sounds kind of like a club. I'm not mad about the name though. You were bound to be dammed either way. Like Jennifer Carter? People would call you boring. You are a bad bitch (excuse my French) and I feel like your daughter needs a name that is an unique as yours is (Well was. Now there are Beyonce's, Biances, and Beyonsays galore I'm sure) I'm guessing Mama Tina knew you were the bad bitch so she gave you the fantastical, icon status name. Solange, well, umm, let's stay on task here.

-I think the whole IVy thing is actually kind of cute. I was trying to figure out how you'd incorporate 4 into your birth process. I know you were probably heated you didn't give birth on 1/4/12, but whatever. MY grandma's name is Ivy, so I think highly of it. I'm already hearing Illuminati's Very Youngest from dumb ass people. Like seriously. If you are down with them, I would at least hope you'd be a bit more creative.

-Blue has actually grown on me as well. I think I can handle that more than your girl Gwennyth's "Apple" That shit is still stupid as hell to me. I guessing your hanging around with her made you feel like you could dust off your "I'm so different banner" and wave that bad boy high and proud. I'm ok with that.

-Ok so Blue Ivy. I'm really hoping you learn from people's mistakes. Let's look at Laurence Fisbourne: his daughter is crazy as hell now and is now doing porn. The man is an accomplished, respected actor and his daughter felt the need to slang her poonanny at the highest bidder? I mean, I know she went with Vivid, which is special, but come on... Moral of the story, keep an eye on that girl. Money doesn't mean that she won't end up stripping or doing porn. Plus, with a name like Blue Ivy, you are really setting her up well.

-Ok, now let's turn our attention to one Bobbi Kristina, child of R&B singing sensation and Whitney Houston. Tee hee! I got jokes, Bey! No, but seriously, Whitney is so pretty, and has a legendary voice. Bobby can sing too and can perform his ass off. High expectations for their spawn, right? Well, BK ended up looking like Bobby with long hair. She even has his gap. Her voice is decent and she apparently is now trying to get into music. Lesbi-honest. She won't ever be Whitney. Hell, she probably won't even do what Bobby did. They set the bar hella high. I feel like BK felt the pressure early on and started to rebel. She was on Myspace (name: Nympho Baby. <---I can't make this shit up) smoking weed and doing shit that kids do. Moral of the story? Crack is whack! Don't get on it, and raise your damned child. Also. send her to the Alps to be raised by monks so she isn't exposed to all the fuckery that fame brings.

-Before we move on from BK, let's just pause and say a quick prayer to hope that Blue Ivy ends up looking a LOT like you and not so much Jay. I mean, today at work, a coworker said "no, babies are cute! They have little noses and.." That's when I cut her off. I mean seriously! The child of Jay Z has a strong chance of having a massive nose to face ratio. But I'm looking at your dad and he's not that good looking, so I'm guessing that Mama Tina's creole DNA is STRONG. Maybe she has some creole secrets or spices she could share with you, but I'd hit her up sooner rather than later.




I will let you go, as I know you have shit to do. I get it. I just look forward to actually seeing your child for the first time (at least I hope I will want to actually see her) Love your child and I'm sure she'll turn out fine. But while you are loving that child and in between feeding sessions, can you get back to the studio and give me the music that I need o get through life? That was hella dramatic, but I needed to get your attention, now that I have to compete with Baby Blue.


XOXO

Ian